my h and son gave me necklace

[25yearsmlc]

Do the Serenity prayer and mean it. Live it. God doesn't give us what we think we want and need. He gives us the strength to carry on and face what comes, if we let him in. You are deeply resentful and thats why you are miserable. It is about what is in your heart, not what is happening externally. I fear as if you think your happiness is dependent on your h's/OW's misery. It's not. Your happiness is solely your responsibility. Please read that again. Do you believe it?

The thing about forgiveness is, I don't believe you understand it or you are making it about absolution.

And you think they don't "deserve" forgiveness, so you hold onto your pain. (That also confirms in your h's eyes the validity of his choice and the unlikely chance of coming home. After all, he'd have to face your wrath and depression and my dear RM, that's not attractive. Tough to hear, but true.)

[color:#000099]When we stay angry to punish someone else, it's like lighting ourselves on fire, to get smoke in their eyes...

But forgiveness is NOT ABOUT THEM; it is 100% about you.[/color]

It's You freeing yourself to move on, which you can only do when you don't keep cycling through your anger. When you finally CHOOSE TO realize in a "come to Jesus moment," that your pain and anger are consuming you, you will start to drop the baggage on the floor, OR you will be consumed by it.

You talk about hell and salvation but to me, your soul is shrinking as your resentment is growing. It's like the book by CS Lewis, called the "Great Divorce" ([b]not about divorce[/b] btw) and in there, the people are arguing about who gets into heaven, versus hell,& why, etc.

The people who hold grudges get smaller as their grudges get bigger, and soon, you cannot see their old happy selves b/c they disappear...and only their pain is there.

When you really turn this over to God, and leave the results up to HIM, then maybe you'll start to let go of the chains you are lugging around.

I worry about what your son sees. He's 17, and will be out of the house soon. What then, for you?

You are not modelling a healing process for him but you know he's watching you and that someday, he'll be hurt too. Show him your pain is not eternal or fatal b/c it's not. How will HE face that pain, if all he sees is years of it in you?

Here's a 2 x 4...you are not the first woman to be left by her h. And most women have it worse than you, when it does happen. Your "problem" is that your h is pleasant to you. I guess you see that as hopeful so you don't choose to move forward, though God only knows why.

I mean you can move forward without giving up, but I've already said that to you...see if this story helps...

When I was pregnant last, I was hospitalized with pneumonia and a ruptured disk. I felt pretty damn sorry for myself b/c I was sick enough to be hospitalized and felt LOUSY and in PAIN. I was also working full time and now the baby was coming early (although most likely was safe).

As I lay there and prayed, I noticed there was a full moon and as I saw it, I suddenly felt connected to all the other pregnant women in the world and realized that some of them saw that same moon. Maybe they were indoors, maybe not. Certainly MOST of them, were not in western hospitals like me. It hit me that many of them had not had any pre-natal care and probably worried that they'd deliver outside, or without medical help. Would their babies have a chance? Would their husbands survive whatever they were facing? Many did not have h's at all. Many of those women probably worried that their h's were never coming back or were dead or missing in action.

But I knew when I went home to my house (with indoor plumbing and electricity), that there would be food in my refrigerator, and I'd go home in a car we owned. And into a home we owned, with nice furniture and a big bath tub and medicine for the baby if she needed it.

No one was telling me how to worship, no one was threatening my h or my other children, or me, or raping them or making them join their armies of thugs (which happens every day in Africa and other parts of the world, to literally millions)

No one was shooting at me as I tried to escape their clutches, or climb a wall, or flee to a free land b/c I live in a free country already, through no act of my own. No one denied me the right to vote, or work, or go where I please...I suddenly realized, in the big picture, OMG I have it better than 99% of women in the world. I was filled with gratitude and a bit of shame b/c I realized how ungrateful I had been. .

Do more volunteer work at a shelter or battered women's home. Go see the truly disabled veterans who are young & missing their legs, facing a world not knowing how they'll make it in life...

Please, see a c who helps you get unstuck. But at a certain level, it really is ALL up to you. If you DO the Serenity Prayer, you'll be at a good place to start.

Good luck