May the force be with you young Ericmsant2.....

[ericmsant2]

MHL, PEI, Warrior, Punkin, CAT, Brooklyn, Mila, Kissak, Cadet – thank you for stopping by.

Punkin – Yes it will be a coed event.

warrior – May I ask how you know that grit does not…..?

Cat04 – Looking at my budget now and with a visit to my mom planned, not to mention some of the new legal issues that have surfaced, namely my L has blown 13K so far (so I now have 23.00 balance left), STBXW new request (I pay her legal fees, I assume all debt, etc.) I am not sure I will memorial day is doable. That said, I still plan to have an event at casa de Santos… We can discuss though….

MILA – I suspect Brooklyn will keep everyone in line. Trust me – she always puts me in my place.

Thank you all – I missed everyone. That said, I wanted to let everyone know exactly where I am or at least share my thoughts.

Over the past few months, my emotions have been all over the place.

I’ve had days that I still missed STBXW and days when I just hated her. I’ve have had days when the world looks so much brighter and days when I just want to die (and no - I am not suicidal). I’ve have days of PURE RAGE…..almost an uncontrollable RAGE.

FTR, I am still angry…but it is a different kind of anger. An anger more about MYSELF and the choices that I made in my life. An anger or a regret if you will, that I did not get to the place where I am at sooner.

Yes….many tried to help, yes…may poured their hearts and soul out to me – BUT I did not listen or as someone dear to me pointed out – I FORCED myself to get a place a bit too soon. Aside from the anger though….I also feel a sense of peace and gratefulness – so it is a weird feeling in a way. Angry one second and grateful the next.

As the days move forward….my anger does appear to be dissipating. It only comes now and then - usually when STBXW does something else that I did not expect, which is not much. I have come to expect nothing but pain from her BUT I do understand that this is because SHE is in pain.

I have to say that I thank God for the friends that I have. Friends that have helped me in sooooo many ways. Friends that 1) have not given up on me 2) always challenge me 3) help me formulate my thoughts and work through some of the feelings.

To these friends…Thank you.

I also have come to realize so much about myself and this process. I feel I have experienced so much….. Here are just some of my thoughts…

• Rage – it will come and come so unexpectedly…..with a force that sometime, even I am amazed at. I can still remember a few weeks ago…I was getting ready to move and while I was driving..I started beating on the steering wheel thinking of the legalities of all of this. Thinking to myself, how, why, this makes no sense.

• Victim mentality – How easy it is to fall into this trap. Whoa is me….she did me wrong….this MLC thing [censored]….Why am I going thru this…why did I allow her to do this….blah…blah…blah…I have come to realize JUST how much this train of thought can HOLD one back. It is only when I am able to sit back and remind myself that EVERYONE is entitled to feel the way that they feel, EVERYONE is entitled to live the life they want to live and more importantly…..EVERYONE get to the place that they need to get to WHEN THEY (not ME) decide to move in that direction.

• My role – For a long time….I carried around a ton of guilt…long time. Sometimes I still do. Ya know, I can now look back at this whole sitch with a different set of eyes. I played a role in this. As did STBXW…but really I can only look at my role. I can only fix ME. I think back on my first year here…I think back on the advice that was given…”focus on you”, “detach” – Man is it so true. I have learned that focusing on oneself IS the only and BEST thing you can do. You can fix your chit…we can albeit by words or ACTIONS fix our spouses. Detaching takes so much time and effort. I believe that when you finally do…things become so much clearer…it is such a hard step to take. WHY? Cause deep down inside we often, at least I know I did, feel that we can somehow control our spouses feelings, we think that somehow we can reverse the things that we did, we think that somehow if we just do this or that…our spouses will realize what they are missing. Nope. Maybe they will maybe they won’t. The control is not ours. I have learned that the control is a way of trying to avoid facing my fear. IF I control this or that…well then I know what the next steps are. Funny thing….life really does not work this way. The giving up of control (and man is that tough) is really the only way to have some level or peace.

• Understanding – Ya know, as much as I still harbor some level of frustration with my STBXW…I really do understand why she is they way that she is now. At a level that I have never felt before…I really feel for her. Now that I am no longer in the home..the time away has given me the opportunity to reflect on the year plus that I remained in the home. Did it help – did it hurt? I really do not know and actually no longer care. It really does not matter. I have accepted that it had to go the way that it did. You know one of things that I have been pondering lately….is NOW that I have done work on myself…just how often I can sit on my soap box and point out what is wrong with me STBXW. Ya know, I had the luxury of these boards…these people – my STBXW has not. She has had to find her own way….I can understand why she may not (maybe she is) want to look inside herself. I can understand how she can feel she did her best. I can understand so much. Do I agree with a lot of what she does and says – NO BUT I can understand it.

• Silver linings (nickel T) – I have learned how important it is to look at the positives in ones life. If you do not…well then you are missing out on life. My children….especially my little girl….IF/HAD this not happened…would I be the father that I am today? Honestly probably not. IF/HAD this not happened…would I be the man I am today? Probably not. So for me the silver lining really is about where I was and who I became because of this. So there is the positive in all of this.

• Looking inside oneself – I still do this…I still struggle with it sometimes. I think it never really ends. Words that still come to mind….things that I still work on – day in and day out.

o Being alone
o Fear
o The Player in me
o Codependency
o Overcompensating
o Overindulgence

Man when you start to get real with yourself…sometime ya just do not like what ya see. The good news is…that anything can be changed IF I do the work. IF I continue to be brutally honest with myself.

• Dating while going thru this – all I can say on this topic is…..never start something when something else is still not done. Take the time for yourself. I can almost guarantee that if you are not totally healed, when you FIRST start feeling like you need someone. In most cases, someone WILL get HURT. It may not happen for a while but I believe it will.

I tried to give myself to someone else – only to realize after that I was still not ready. Only to realize that I jumped the gun, I wanted to USE this person to HELP me through this – It does not work! Unfortunately, ya get through this when you are supposed to get thru it. Is an OP needed for the LBS? In some ways I think so. Maybe is it just the way things work. My advice to anyone reading this…..I am not going to suggest NOT having an R….IF you do…please realize this – 1) your probably broken when you started this 2) the distraction will work for a period of time BUT at some point, the issues within yourself will surface 3) an OP helps to JUSTIFY and VALIDATE the feelings that your more than likely still have not dealt with – they are in most cases oblivious to what is really going on with you. My advice – stay alone….I am not saying not to have fun….nope – just be careful if you try to commit before you really are ready to. Personally, I think we tend to know this inside ourselves but it one of things we do not pay attention to.

• Acceptance – For the first time in a long time. I can say that I really will always love my STBXW. Do I love her now? After all of the crap that is going on (my legal sitch is brutal)? Yep. Why? 1) She did not f*ck this up by herself 2) my M was not all bad (that is her reality not mine and nothing she does will change that) 3) When you live in peace you want everyone else to live in peace 4) when you understand that your spouse is really batchit crazy and that really it is their internal pain that causes them to act the way they do – well then ya understand. 5) when you can finally step back, look past the anger, learn to understand that life really does just happen, in short chit happens…well then you can accept that things are they way they are. Note: acceptance does NOT mean you allow someone to kick you..allow someone to take advantage. Nope.
I have more thoughts going on in my head but wanted to share these….this post is for ME.

God Bless,
Eric