85 Days

[Denver_2010]

Journaling...

I've been having moments of wondering... wondering if all of this is worth it. Worth the fight, worth the pain.

There is a woman... very attractive... very sweet... who would be my safety net if I fall.

I find my thoughts drifting towards wondering what it would be like to go to dinner with her... have her treat me nicely ... happy to be spending time with me.

I find myself going here more and more each day.

I catch myself and then remind myself of how far I have come. How I have taken my M from the proverbial deathbed to a place where there is at least a chance of saving it.

Then I wonder... I have I gone as far as the road goes?

Will my W ever find the feelings that she buried so deep so she could have the strength to leave me? Will she ever find it within herself to forgive me for my role in the breakdown of our M?

No one can answer that question for me... not even my W. So I wait?

Wait to be missed. Wait to be loved again. Wait to share my life the way that I know I want to share it... and in the meantime...

I feel pain that is unbearable at times.

Is it worth it? What is it all for? Have I gone as far as I can with this?

A song that struck me for some reason today...

"Little Motel" - Modest Mouse

I hope that you like it in your little motel
And I hope that the suite sleeps and suits you well
Well I can see it as time and a sight through smell and
Thats why its nice to be by yourself

Cause thats what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for darlin'

We treat mishaps like sinking ships and
I know that I don't want to be out to drift
Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and
They both tell me that we're better than this

Cause thats what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for darlin'

We trade tit for tat like that for this
And I don't think that there was an insult that was missed
I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and
I'm very sorry

Cause thats what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for darlin'

It rained and its over a shooting star
Landed directly on our broke down little car
We fold and we had made a wish
That we would be missed
If one another just did not exist

Cause thats what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting on, aren't we?
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for darlin'

That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for aren't we?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZhHcyKg0io

BITS
Denver