Thanks 9. Like I said in another post, I'm not sure you want to "distance" yourself in the same way I did. It wasn't pleasant. But it sure did create a physical boundary and reality that gives everything a new perspective.
And while I do have to watch my money. The wardrobe and new tech / toys that I have splurged on have felt good and fit well in the "new me" that I am working on.
Yesterday was a great day. All around pleasant. Picked up kids, went to a great (ouch, expensive) restaurant, it was obvious everyone enjoyed themselves. Got kids back to the house by about 9p and dropped FS16 off. I did want to spend a bit of extra time alone with D8 and D13 so we went for a quick ride and took some pics around the countryside with my new phone.
There was a point at around 3:30p when W called me about a "problem" with the kids. D13 had texted me earlier in the day asking if she could go to boxing for a bit before we went. I said "sure. np." It ends up, that was not W's plan as W did not have after school arrangements for D8. I should have thought about that.
It all worked out OK, but it did not have to be that way. The conversation with W was basically about how W and I need to be more communicative around the kids. I was terse to some degree. I was not about to take ownership of the mix up as W has been very clear about how I am not to interfere with her life and her household. I accepted my responsibility that when D13 calls to "change plans", I should double check with W. I just have to figure out how to do that and still maintain my own boundaries regarding the kids. It is simply an irrational feeling at many times, but I don't want W to think I'm asking permission for D13 to change plans. I will have to just refer to W about the proposed changes to see how it might affect D8. Business like. And if there's a problem, solve the problem.
The conversation did have a number of times when I put responsibility on W rather than assuming it myself. I pointed out how the past six months have been about W controlling my access and activities around the kids. How W's unwillingness to refer to me regarding the kids and their activities makes it difficult to ever know if I'm coming or going with them. I think it did sink in with W. She did, hesitantly but openly admit that she needs to communicate better around the kids, with me.
These are the baby steps that I know will lead to better and more access to the kids with me in the time before we get to mediation. Maintaining and increasing the boundaries and communication regarding the kids will establish a situation that should allow W to be more comfortable with my access and relationship with the kids.
Another step will come on Tuesday. As there is no school Monday, and W has suggested this, I will have the kids on Monday and keep them over night till Tuesday. I will then get them to school Tuesday morning from my place. It's an hour ride to their school, but we can do it. I did it as a youth when we lived in the country as the bus ride was almost an hour. It should not be much different than their normal morning routine currently is. Just that we need to leave at 8am, rather than 8:20am. Messing this up would be a step backwards. But doing this successfully will be a huge step forward. It could ultimately lead to the possibility of weekly access, rather than weekend and holiday only visits.
D8 is happy about this new arrangement. D13 thought about it for a bit, but wasn't terribly opposed to it but agreed to try. I simply let her know how it would not be much different than their "normal" morning right now. The only difference being leaving at 8am.
That is very cool. I'm looking forward to the weekend.
