Snarches the Passionate Marriage has an interesting section on differences in sex drive within a marriage.
He takes the attitude that one partner will always want more of something (children, sex, dessert, etc.) than the other partner and that a couple needs to negotiate all of these things. He also gives advice (self soothing) on how each partner can deal with the needs of their mate.
I can't answer your question as I have never been intimate with a woman who was more HD. That doesn't mean they aren't out there, nor does it mean that I am extremely HD. I am just married to a woman who libido is lower than mine.
This may sound silly, but get yourself a subscription to Redbook Magazine. It is sort of the Cosmo for women who are married. On the advice of others, I got the subscription for my LD wife and she has found a lot of the articles interesting. There is more in each magazine on sexual advice for women than just about any other magazine out there.
As to the stopping of initiating, unless this is part of a 180, I would urge you to use caution. We all need love
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Do men generally get turned off by women with high sex drives?
I would say no. If he is also high desire, then you being high desire would turn him on, but him being low desire, he will be indifferent to you either way. He will do it only as he is often as he wants. Because both partners must consent, the person who is less interested controls the frequency. If he is a true low desire person, your drive will have absolutely no effect on his drive, except that the problems and arguments it causes might have an effect.
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Can lack of sex be due to lack of attraction?
I would say that yes it can, but it is not the only possible reason for lack of sex, so you can't automatically jump to that conclusion.
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I stopped initiating. I have to stop talking about it.
But how do you stay in a relationship and not totally feel abandoned by the lack of sex.
I don't know what his normal is. Mine is definitely at least 3x a week.
I feel angry and abandoned and like I'd rather just be with someone who wants me.
Maybe stop trying to get him to have sex with you and tell him how much this lack of sex affects you. Tell him that last sentence. Maybe he will wake up and start working with you. I had to be willing to leave my R before my W realized I was serious, and that I can't go on living in a SSM.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
[quote=LilaGirl] Maybe stop trying to get him to have sex with you and tell him how much this lack of sex affects you. Tell him that last sentence. Maybe he will wake up and start working with you. I had to be willing to leave my R before my W realized I was serious, and that I can't go on living in a SSM.
I did this. It was kind of a relief. The rejection was too much. And now I just kind of suffer.
I do say it to him. And he never says much.
He just stopped using porn after a long time. I don't know how often he was using it. He said not often but that he did it a long time (over the course of his life).
So I wonder if he still masturbates. Which [censored] b/c I don't really want to rely on masturbation, KWIM? I just want sex with my partner. So sometimes I get bummed that he is masturbating instead of having sex with me.
I don't know how to figure out his drive b/c I feel like I'm not really seeing it truthfully.
But what did your wife do? Just start having sex with you again so you wouldn't leave? How does that work?
Snarches the Passionate Marriage has an interesting section on differences in sex drive within a marriage.
He takes the attitude that one partner will always want more of something (children, sex, dessert, etc.) than the other partner and that a couple needs to negotiate all of these things. He also gives advice (self soothing) on how each partner can deal with the needs of their mate.
I can't answer your question as I have never been intimate with a woman who was more HD. That doesn't mean they aren't out there, nor does it mean that I am extremely HD. I am just married to a woman who libido is lower than mine.
This may sound silly, but get yourself a subscription to Redbook Magazine. It is sort of the Cosmo for women who are married. On the advice of others, I got the subscription for my LD wife and she has found a lot of the articles interesting. There is more in each magazine on sexual advice for women than just about any other magazine out there.
As to the stopping of initiating, unless this is part of a 180, I would urge you to use caution. We all need love
Wait, what's the point of Redbook? I'm not sure what you're saying...
What is a 180? And what do you mean about using caution? Sorry, I just want to be clear what you're saying.
Oh, actually I just reread that line about the 180 a couple times - I know what you mean. But I get the sense he doesn't want me to initiate. I only had to recently b/c he all but stopped ever having sex with me. So I started initiating since my sex drive returned (I had a baby 21 months ago) and it was like he wasn't there anymore. He's been initiating a little more lately, but I stopped (it wasn't something I was used to doing anyway)... I think when I initiate it either freaks him out or he backs off. It's almost like it's a turn off? Though I'm not sure; I could be just reading into that.
....Wait, what's the point of Redbook? I'm not sure what you're saying...
What is a 180? And what do you mean about using caution? Sorry, I just want to be clear what you're saying.
The point of Redbook magazine, was that you were asking about what men think and what motivates them sexually. Redbook usually has several articles each month on those topics along with articles on things that wives with young children should know. It is written for the Cosmo Girl who has found her husband and wants "it all."
Sex and intimacy in marriage (in my opinion) are very very important. As such I view it as somebody needs to do the initiating if one party stops. There comes a point where initiating is pressuring the other partner, but until that point is reached, I feel that (in my marriage) the benefits of sex outweigh the burden of initiating.
That is why I said to be cautious unless your lack of initiating was part of a 180 that was designed to change the dynamic in your relationship for the better.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Well I'm still confused about the initiating. I think it's is pressure to him and he starts to make excuses (he is "dirty" and hasn't showered, his stomach hurts, etc.) and so then it just gets awkward, so I've backed off.
I agree that sex and intimacy are very important; we're both recovering from a very rough year on our relationship (that happened about ten months ago) and so I'm trying to have patience and we're working on healing stuff - which I think is great - I just miss sex and am kind of suffering (like sex drive with no outlet)
He's of the mind that he wants things to be better *first* and I'm of the mind that things *will get better* with sex!
But I don't know if his angle is an excuse. I'm tired of wondering.
The point of a 180 is that if something in your marriage isn't working, then you try something completely different and see if it works.
Your preferred sexual frequency with your husband wasn't working when you were initiating sex, wasn't working so you are trying something else (i.e. not initiating). If you think initiating was presuring him, it probably was, so you made a good decision.
What else are you doing so that he feels loved while you are not initiating sex?
I am a big fan of Chapman's Five Languages of Love and the need to make our partner feel loved in their primary and secondary languages of love. Everyday I try to do a couple or more things in my wife's primary and secondary languages of love, so she feel really good about our relationship.
What kind of "healing stuff" are you working on with your husband. It sounds like a great approach and that you are both involved in "healing stuff."
What kind of stuff does your husband want to get better "first?"
One of the things you might want to do some introspection on is that a lot of people are physically exhausted from sleep deprevation. That can make it difficult for a man to "perform."
Similarly, over 2/3rds of the US population over 18 is overweight or obeese. That too can create both real medical problems with male performance and with self-image issues.
Low Testosterone levels in older men is also a problem.
ED medications are a billion dollar world industry for some real reasons.
Some (not all) men that have peformance problems are too embarised to discuss it openly and try to hide it via withdrawing sexually from their wives. Guys are strange like that. Make sure that your husband is OK medicially.
I wish you and your husband the best
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
But what did your wife do? Just start having sex with you again so you wouldn't leave? How does that work?
When she realized I was serious about leaving if things didn't change, she agreed to a minimum of scheduled sex (weekly), with the possibility of unscheduled of course.
Scheduled sex sounds so unromantic, but it helps a lot because it means I am able to handle the times she rejects my advances with much more grace, meaning less pressure on her, which just improves things all round.
I am not necessarily encouraging you to make such an ultimatum, unless you are actually ready to leave. It could backfire.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
