Starsky (and others): I really don't think that being 100% dark right now or applying LRT is the right thing - now. First of all, I am incapable of doing it genuinely. It just won't feel real to her. I even call her today just to talk and it went ok.
So....is it possible for me to get back somewhere close to where we were a year ago at this time? Spending some time with each other with no direction? Just having fun and living in the moment, the way STBX does. While doing that, make sure I never initiate R talk, so she feels no pressure and never discuss the future or the past? Can this work?
Isn't that letting her ear cake? Letting her have best of both worlds and not having to decide? The only reason I think it may be a good idea, is that what worked after we first separated. She slowly came back to me and then when I pushed too hard, she ran the other way. This time, I simply don't push too hard.
I am still riding this crazy rollercoaster and my mind changes every day. I need to come up with one plan and stick to it for some time, so that STBX sees consistent actions from me and begins to respect me again and find me confident and attractive and start to think that I just could be the man to give her what she needs.
I feel like I am in limbo land and can't stick to one plan fully. Am I just being wishy washy again?
I just can't seem to do the right thing at the right time and I am running out of time!
The challenge in trying to advise you is that you and I read your backstory and come away with two entirely different opinions on which approach "worked" and which one didn't. Sometimes that's cuz one person is too close to it to see it accurately, and other times it's cuz one person is too FAR from it to KNOW fairly what's truly going on.
When I spoke to STBX today, she was much more upbeat and far less willing to really say anything of substance. I'm thinking I got caught up in her web again by talking to her the other day for 3 hours. I had been dark for 10 days prior to that and it therefore makes sense that she was willing to talk and to say some things I want to hear. All she had to to was that, and look who was back only 2 days later. Hmmmmm.....
Thoughts? Is she still able to control me after all these years? I gotta admit, I forget my DB principles at the sound of her voice.
I realize now (as always - too late) that I simply can't have any contact with STBX. Any contact sends me in a tailspin for days. I don't know if she's confused, in MLC, playing me or God knows what, but I have no choice at this point, but to do the only thing left to do. LRT huge. It is the one and only thing that I have not done consistently for more than 10 days. I have said I would do it before, but now I need to drop the rope, go dark, LRT, whatever term you want to use, more than every. I am not even living my life. I am just going through the motions and hoping.
I was honest with myself today and did a synopsis of where I am today: My wife left me 1 1/2 years ago. Almost 1 year ago told me she was never coming home. She is now dating OM and also involved with her boss and has admittted to having sex with him and going on vacation with him. Do I need a truck to run me over to get it? At times, her words and even some actions to me are confusing, but none of what I just said is. She is gone and has chosen a new life.
It's time for me to admit it and move forward. After 6 years here, I have finally reached a point of reluctant acceptance. I have done literally everything I can to save my family, and now I need to save me.
I am sure I will have moments of weakness where I still want to contact her, so I am making a promise to myself and to all other D'bers. I will not contact at all until her b'day on June 23rd and even then I will simply call to wish her a good birthday and wish her well. After that, right back to dark.
It's time to save BTM and forgive and forget about STBX. God, give me strength.
Sorry to hear about all your pain. And my god you have been experiencing it for some time. And as much as its admirable to want your family back, YOU are right, its time to drop that rope.
Maybe even date a little. We all like to think that our spouses were made for us but in reality, maybe they werent. Its possible that you will meet somebody out there that can make you really happy and feel great about yourself.
I wouldnt even suggest this excpet for the fact that you have been in this limbo for soooooo long.
She may even take notice that you have moved on as well and even though thats not the reason for doing so, may actually take interest. Who knows how that will play out but one thing is for SURE.
YOu cant keep going on like this. One life to live man, live it the best you can.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Nine - It was time for me to do this a long time ago. But, I just couldn't give up on what I feel is my "life's work". I still feel that the reason I am on this earth is simple - to create and maintain a strong family. But...I simply can't do it when STBX just doesn't share the same goals and morals anymore. She isn't the woman I fell in love with and she isn't someone I trust anymore. She isn't someone who makes me feel good about myself. She does the exact opposite. No matter what I do, it's still not good enough for her.
As for dating, I am really not into it now, but may have to fake it until I make it. Morally, I couldn' date until I had given up on our marriage. I couldn't say and live one thing and then do what someone who is married should never do. But, now hopefully I can. It will be a big step for me.
Today, I am broken and have reached a low point. But I need to hit this rock bottom to change my life. I finally took the blinders off and it really hurts to see the reality. If only I had done this years ago, I would be that much further ahead now. Still, I am proud of how hard I worked and will always be proud.
Being brutally honest, this is not the way I want to live my life. I want to live it the way I said I would when I took my marriage vows. But, this is the way I choose to live the only life before me.
BTM. As horrible as this might sound to you right now, congratulations on making this choice.
My sister has been living in a loveless M for at least ten years now, maybe more. The result of an A BIL had those many years ago. I'm sure W has not forgiven him completely, but stuck with it for the kids and so that she could at least say she tried.
As many mention around here, we all have our breaking point. I hate to think I'm "weak" and don't have the perseverance to keep going, longer. But when "the writing is on the wall", I accept that moving on is the only option. In my sitch, I will not hinder the progress, although I will neither accelerate it. I would do what I need to in order to repair the M, but I will not pursue that with a person who is (has become) someone I do not wish to be with. A person who continues to move away, rather than move towards.
Dating does not have to be "intimate", even thought that would be a natural progression to moving on with someone else. It is simply a step towards getting your emotional needs met and learning to give to someone else now. As it starts with establishing new or progressing existing friendships.
This board and I'm sure many of your family and friends will support you in this new life you move towards. It might be time for you to consider filing. I'm sure you did not want to be the one to do it, but for me personally, getting D is a necessary finish to be fully able to move on.
