Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[ninelives]

Town is 1500 with two grocery stores but the other one is not nice. So, there will be chance encounters unfortunately.

No other contact, hopefully now will go a few days without it. Just try and play it cool.. Just cant get her out of my mind though. She is there almost 24/ 7. How do you detach from the mind? How does one get a handle on that?

I have read Tolle and power of now but cant seem to sustain it.

Yes 25, I have to make this a priority for sure.

9

[♪CS♪]

She is there almost 24/ 7. How do you detach from the mind? How does one get a handle on that?

I don’t have a great answer for you here, I still think about my W and our sitch a lot. I still think time is the biggest thing here.

What I have found we CAN control though, is how we let this affect us. Or rather, not affect us. By not reacting to the emotions these thoughts may create. By doing other things. By remembering the good times and not just the problems.

The thoughts may be there, but you CAN DECIDE not to let these thoughts get you down.

[ninelives]

true dat country. Damn Emotions.

[25yearsmlc]

sounds gimmicky and unrealistic, but I"m telling you my GAL eventually sustained me b/c I became a fanatic about them. HAD TO or I'd be consumed by painful and obsessive thoughts. I mean, hey, been there, done that. I joined EVERYTHING I could think of (that h would not be in) and auditioned and wrote for a writer's group and exercised like a maniac (ah yes, the SINGLE advantage of that horrible time is how fit & in shape I was...almost worth it for another SHORT round of serious exercising..."the trauma diet/fitness plan") took a class to meet new people AND NOT THINK about H, got a prescription for sleep b/c I was NOT okay without sleeping and did some AD's for awhile, played with kids in ways that I couldn't zone out, saw a T, had a DB coach, volunteered at a battered women' shelter (volunteer work makes your life look better too, fyi) and coached a girl's team, took a pottery class-SO NOT ME but I actually liked it. Who knew? I just tried the Stop Sign routine every time H came into my head. Yeah, I was Queen of GAL...Oh, and I took an overseas trip with the kids! God that was the best money I ever spent (Yes, that was borrowed.) it was our 25th anniversary and no way was I going to be alone that day. I took the trip I had hoped WE would take as a couple but instead did it with the kids. Nothing there to remind me of h, and we truly had a blast. I am pretty sure h was very upset by this but could not say much, really. Proved our family was still a unit, as many are, with missing parties. Having been in the military, we knew families missing a parent who were still close and still had fun and so I reminded my kids of that. "Yes, dad is not here but look what we can do anyway!"

I had come to hate how much I was repeating myself and cycling thru emotions and annoying those who loved me with the same unanswerable questions, of "Why? What's HE doing/feeling/thinking? How can he do this? and blah blah blah..." I was rapidly becoming bItter, instead of bEtter.

My biggest regret, by far, is how much time I wasted on HIM that could have been spent on me and MY LIFE. Finally started assuming we were not going to be together BUT that I was going to be happy. Started fleshing out that image. Started thinking about moving. Began to make some of it true "now" and changed jobs, including almost moving overseas for a year which my kids were open to. H noticed THAT but what could he say? He was 3000 miles away "up the road" (HIS words...)

Things turned around after I stopped focussing on him. I can't guarantee that is why they turned around or maybe I just stopped being in so much pain that I didn't notice time passing til h came around.

I literally predicted the day he'd either come around or ask for a divorce (based on him achieving a job related goal he had his tunnel vision set on for 2 years). THAT evening, after his boards, he called and brought up the R/M "missing us"....and after that day, he began calling every day, sometimes more than once, admitted how lonely he was, said he was "depressed" without us. It was as if he suddenly woke up and wondered where everyone in his family was...."oh, h, we're all here where WE live, but you are 3000 miles north, where WE do NOT live...remember?"

Took him a year to convince me to give things another try and then a year of piecing, then Retrovaille, and finally, yes, I believe we are both committed to our marriage will be forever. I think. But I don't take it for granted (it's a paradox really. You cannot take each other for grnted but you do have to at least assume you'll be life long partners b/c you made vows.

I learned one thing for sure, I will be alright no matter what happens b/c I get it now. I control my happiness and always will.

You will get there 9. You're too smart not to. (I THINK!!)

[2stepboogie]

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”


9 read this and thought of sharing it with you and all those on the db board.

25, sandi thank you for giving my friend 9 such good advice.

[♪CS♪]

25, sandi thank you for giving my friend 9 such good advice.

Agreed. If you ever want to swing by the farm and share some wisdom with CS, I'm all ears.

[ninelives]

25: i want to thank you so much for all your wisdom and sharing your life with so many on this board. It seems that all i ever do from you is take, take take and im not wired for that. I would love to give in return however, I dont think there is anything I can give you but my heartfelt thank you and to let you know that I am thankful that there are people like you and Sandi on this board that have given back so much despite being past your crisis. Of course, it is a good reminder for you two that a marriage is constant work.

2step, Country and my other BITS, what can I say. We have grown together as people, had our share of slip ups but always felt comfortable relalying how stupid we have been despite getting hit with 2x4's. Most on this board accept your slip ups as you being human and dont crucify you too badly but im all about not having punches pulled.

I do think I'll get there some day friends, the most challenging thing for me is my location which I CANT change for monitary reasons and to give my children stablility and the OM is so difficult for me to accept. Especially knowing who he is and what he stands for. Im not making excuses, Im merely saying that this IS my biggest challenge living in this small town where he is KNOWN as a loser. Shouldnt affect me but it does so far although I am getting closer to the acceptance stage. I will get there eventually.

I do love my wife and really hate to see her go down a path of destruction. She has even admitted that at times that she hasnt hit rock bottom yet but thinks she will some day.

People tell me that is not my concern but really, this is the woman I have loved for twenty years, its difficult for me to just watch her hit that pit.

I have read and reread what you have wrote 25 and I am doing some things for me.

-bought motorcycle
-playing drums
- still coaching 3 sports teams a year.
- trying to raise kids and do some renos around the house.

So this hasnt fallen on def ears. It is more difficult for me to do some of the things you have done because there simply isnt the opportunity to do so on this isolated island.

Thanks again for the kind words and concern, It means so much to me.

9

[~ kd ~]

Hey 9... Just a thought, because I get where you are coming from regarding not being able to make a physical location change.

So I'm thinking... more... spiritual...

I notice two of the items you list above (bike and drums) are centered on you. I know how spiritually soothing it can be to ride a bike or play an instrument.

Maybe you could do more in that regard, to learn to be calm and focused and... at peace. Perhaps meditating, yoga, thai chi, rock garden, rock climbing... anything that focuses on you...

If you can't escape physically... learn to escape spiritually... focus inwards rather than outwards...

[ninelives]

Gotta tell you , im pretty much fed up with this rollercoaster.

She sent me a nasty text yesterday when I got home from school.

Long one , so Ill hit the highlights.

Sarcastically thanking me for effing up her relationship with BIL again because I mentioned that she had the fish he caught with OM. BTw, sidebar- Sil sent her sister leftover Pizza and BIL was upset about that because " He'll be damned if he will be feeding that baturd(OM) any food.

- also screwed up relationship with BIL and SIL again as they are not speaking again.

- Then said I was basically a bad dad because I went to my volleyball for an hour and a half while youngest son was in my care on Monday and he cut his finger and then called his mom to help him with it while she was at work.

- I then went for my drum lesson on Tuesday and was bad for doing that ( gone 1 hour and a half again for that) and he got scrared and called his Aunt ( my crzy SIL) to come over and we all remember how that played out.

- She said that she was not going to let youngest son come over if thats how I was going to be while i look after him and she will make other arrangements.

- Said that I am ruining my kids by being so pigheaded and not treating her well in front of them , that I was so self righteous and Pigheaded and everyone is always wrong while I am right and that I will never change in that regard.
(this stems from the agruement I had with her sister when I finally said some things back after taking a barrage of how lazy and selfish and bad I was as a person)

I lashed out at SIL and said something like , If you didnt meddle so much in our lives, we would still be together , you helped ruin this marriage ( which is true, she always bad mouthed me from the start, even told my W I had my hand on her bridesmaids butt at our wedding, WTF ?)

When she mentioned OM to me that night, I asked her point blank.

"Do you condone what your sister has done because YOU always told me that cheating was wrong no matter what."

I should have just walked away from her when she was attacking me and I WILL if that ever happens again, but I never want to see that woman again.

So back to the text. She went on to say that I should just stay out of her life and NEVER mind what she is doing etc.

- To have sons clothes ready , dirty or not, which I guess is a reference to when I had clothes packed and accidently put in a coupleo of dirty clothes with the clean. She hangs on to everything like that and magnifies.


I responed with, I understand and agree with some of you points but not all. Where is all this anger coming from

W: What points dont you agree with.


I didnt respond.

When she arrived at 7:45 to pick up son , I went out to chat with her. ( She called from driveway BTW to tell she was there)

I offered my hand and sais, " Truce"

She accepted.

I said to her, why all this hostility, we were getting along fine and then what happened. I thought we put that comment i made to BIL behind us.


W: Well it surfaced again, my sister said more things that made me mad.

M: YOur sister was drunk. She said some pretty nasty things that eventually got me to defend myself and I said some things back to her.

W: Doesnt matter , I dont care. Between you and her, Just wish you didnt destroy my R with BIL

M: I talked to him today. Its not destryed , he will be civil to you agaian like he was.

W: But its not going to be the same. He told me when my Father died that he promised him he would look after me and hugged me with tears in his eyes. ( she teared up )

M: Okay well like I said , it is not fractured

W: Sister told me that he wants nothing to do with me again.

M: When they were both drunk he probably said that , wasnt just about the fish you know, it was about other things too.

W: The fish is what got it all started again, I didnt think about the implications about the fish, just knew youngest son was proud of his catch and wanted to share it.

M: Yeah, with his family however, I dont want to go there.

( She got visibly upset at that point)

BIL is most upset that he spent all the time, money and effort to clean the fish , not for the OM .

I know , its such a stupid point when one steps back and looks at it. Thats why I wish I NEVER said anything about it. Yes , I can feel that way and feel upset but I should have kept it to myself.

M: LOok , i know how stupid this all sounds now, I told you that I wish I never mentioned it to him. I had a slip and Im being crucified for it. You said a number of times that you didnt mean somethings you say and have slipped when texting talking to me etc. Why is it only you can be forgiven for things like that.

W: Why dont you just move on , get on with your life and not mine.

M: Excellent advice and thats what Im doing, I had a slip , thats all. Dont shoot me for having a slip. I dont think you get it, the dynamics of this situation. Sometimes I wish the shoe was on the other foot just so you could get a glimpse of it.

I am getting much better and even was taking a new approach to you. I was being nicer and you saw that. But I dont know if I want you texting me anymore if every third one is going to be nasty based on your perception.

W: I know, I was happy that you were being so nice and finally turning the corner, then this happens.

M: Okay then , lets go back to just quick responses to the kids only, YOU LIVE YOur life and I will live mine, PEriod

W: Thats what you want, fine. I dont care anymore. I just want to be able to live my life without all this crap.

M: All right then. One last thing. About me being neglectful of son. Should I not have my vb night and go to my drum lessons for an hour. Even if we were still married and you were working I would go to those things.

W: Yes but he is out of sorts and needs us. He gets freaked out at night.

M: HIs brother is there with him.

W: NOt really, he sends him upstairs and he is then by himself.

M: It just happend to have incidents both nights. I wasnt gone long and I do want to engage in some activities. Is that bad?

W: I will make arrangements next time I work nights and I have him.

M: I think you are overreacting. If that happens again, I will cancel my drum lesson and not go to volleyball. Ok

W: All right



I go and get sons clothes, go in to give him a kiss as he is in the van. Bang my head on the van window jambe. Both he and wife laugh and she says , Ouch


I say, dont care it was worth it.

I text her this morning and ask if she is working again and should I expect to feed son again. If so, tell him we are having mexican.

She responds with . Yes I am working, and he will be there for supper. AARRRRRRIIIIIBBBBBBA.

Which I guess is an attempt to get back on track.

I simply reply: Thnx

her reply to that is puzzling to me as i am not up on computer lingo.:) or somthing like that.

WOW

9

[islander]

9,
I think that you really need to try to detatch a little more. Your W is all over the place, literally. I think you are doing better but we are letting our Ws dictate how we feel. I am guilty of this too.

Every time your W acts out, you question wether or not you are cut out for this and db. You have to answer that question, and it doesn't have anything to do with what your W does or doesn't do.

Keep being civil and nice to her, regardless of whatever she does.