wife having affair - please help

[25yearsmlc]

FD,

You sound like a fast learner. That's good and I'm glad she noticed AND commented on your appearance. That's a great sign.

I'm not crazy about your website idea for now. I can see the appeal. But I worry that it leads to LESS contact not more. I mean, in theory, you two might not have to have ANY contact outside that website and that is NOT moving you towards your goal.

Sure, sure, it's easier for you at the moment...b/c you avoid conflict.
But it's about moving toward your goal...Your goal, ultimately, is to build rapport and make her feel comfortable around you, so you two can build from there.

I know how hard things are at this time. For me at the start of it all, just having a phone conversation without rancor or accusation was the first goal. I put it in 10 min incremental goals and it wasn't long before I was able to do that.

We could talk around topics pretty well. That lead to some jokes and stories about the kids bonding us. It took a long time to go from there to really talking, but there wasn't much to say about reconciling until we were living in the same state again. In a way that's like your situation in that you can only discuss your life so much without touching on the topic of OM...for now it's wise to stay off that topic. He does not matter. He is NOT your problem. He is a puzzle for your w to solve.

As for outing him, the L letter may seem baseless to you but I would not discount it. First, you cannot injure someone and then say b/c they are not citizens it doesn't matter. They are here. It does matter and he has rights, as does your wife.

(Plus if he lives here he's a legal resident anyhow.) They say the average affair lasts 6 months so let's not lengthen that time period by uniting them. It did unite them.

Some people argue that the more time they spend together, in a way, the faster they can learn about the other's flaws and get through the euphoric stage. Maybe some truth to that. But Can I assume you are done with the outing of OM? IMO, you can really damage yourself here and I see no upside for you.

It will backfire, I'm telling you.

I cannot think of ANY examples of WAS's having their A's exposed and OPs punished, AND THEN having the WAS run home into the arms of their LBSers...I have never seen it get the response desired, and usually there isn't a clear goal anyhow. More like "I want to hurt them b/c I hurt" and even if THAT works, it does you no good as a couple. You unite them, you look vindictive and you end up fueling the negatives she used to justify the A in the first place. You are effectively proving her right.

Plus you say there's been no downside for your w but that is a lot of mind reading on your part. Just b/c the externals are the same, means nothing about her inner world. How do you think she feels when the kids ask about you?

Also, when you reacted in anger and moved out, given that you were working at home, and the kids were used to that, I think you could have had physical custody of the girls and had her move out. But you reacted "decisively" and now you are out of the house. I only point this out to get you to stop before reacting. Think long and hard before you do something like that. Otherwise you paint yourself in a corner.

We don't know what she's going through. She is aware that another wife exists, (and does OM have children??) That has to bother her. But You DO NOT point this out. Let her work it out. It's not for you to judge or comment upon. (She does not want YOUR feedback on this, trust me. DBing is about doing what helps you with your goals, not being "right").

You also are skimming over what she went through before hand. Fact is, it took a lot for her to choose this route. I'm not defending it FD, but we both know it couldn't have been easy for her. I think you were honest in your self examination and your role in this, and that's a great advantage.
It gives you clear 180s to work on and I think you're on your way to being a better FD. Plus if she brings up a fault of yours, you get to do a 180 and agree with her! Do you see how confusing that is?

Small example I had. My h had always paid the bills but when he left, he stopped paying ALL of them but did not mention this to me. So the electricity was about to be cut off when I realized all this. I was furious and frightened and humiliated. I had a DB session then, thank God, b/c h called a while later and I informed him about the bill not being paid. He actually wondered if it had hurt HIS credit...no concern about me or the kids...but I told him I had paid it and before I could say more, he interrupted to say "Good! Now you know how it is to pay the bills b/c I've done it for 20 years!"

Instead of arguing with him or telling him how selfish he was, (FYI he routinely paid the bills & never once said he wanted me to pay them instead) I used the advice my DB coach had just givenme. I said, "I know you have, and I want to thank you for that, b/c it IS stressful."

A good 30 seconds passed before h replied, "you're welcome." I am positive he was shocked that this didn't escalate. Instead of attacking him, I thanked him. Talk about a 180 and diffusing...

How is your fathering time going? Remember how much it matters to women to see their children lovingly interacting with their fathers. Be the best dad you can be now. The girls need you more anyhow, b/c they've lost a parent at home and if she's gone travelling a lot, who gets them? Why not you?

There's hope in your situation. For your own sanity, do some forgiveness work. For the foreseable future, that work is for you, not her. It sets you free. I got to the point where I realized I was repeating myself to my sisters and friends, cycling through emotions over and over. I was consumed by my pain and anger and it interfered with my R's with my children. Frankly, the pain of it all was simply too much for me to bear, plus be a parent to children who were hurt by their father's choice to leave, and plan a new life or GAL. I had to let it go or I'd be consumed by the pain and anger and become a bitter woman. It's gimmicky, but I chose to become BETTER, not BITTER...Make sense?

If you are a believer, try turning your marriage over to God, be the best man you can become, and leave the results up to Him. Good luck.