85 Days

[Denver_2010]

I know you get tired.

I am getting f'ing tired.

[Denver_2010]

Don't underestimate what a bag of trouble that kid can be.

Oh I am well aware 25. I don't know if you know this, but I am an attorney also. Criminal defense as a matter of fact. So when SS says stuff like that about W, I do worry about it. But I also know that there is plenty of evidence of him making stuff up. Plenty. Anyway, I hate talking about SS this way. I love him a lot. But he does complicate my situation quite a bit.

My sister is a widow and on her h's deathbed (brain tumor at age 42), her ss14 became so irate and crazy unreasonable, (oppositional defiance and "borderline personality disorder" are words that now terrify me) that the STATE found my BIL to be neglectful (you had to be a L, which I am, to figure out that his incapacity while dying, fit the criteria for child in need of more supervision. My sister was, like you, a step parent with few rights. It turned a tragic situation into an utter nightmare.

I had to go to court for my sister and bil, (who was in hospice by then) to make sure my sister wasn't labelled as abusive or neglectful. This was now about 3 days before he died. When I was there, and saw how my nephew acted WHILE HIS OWN FATHER LAY DYING, all I can say is I have never wanted to hit a boy More in my life)...

My h and I were asked if we'd take him in but we have a younger d, and nephew is weird and has lit fires...NIGHTMARE...he freaked me out so much, that we said "no. Have to put our children first" but that is how much I feared that boy. Don't poo poo this. [/quote]

Not poo pooing it. SS's behavioral issues are a reality that I deal with. My W claims that I was never involved enough. Maybe I wasn't in some ways, but I have always helped her deal with how his issues affect his schooling and with the discipline around the home. I have always told her that we need to take control of the situation now and make him realize that there are consequences for his actions... that otherwise, he will be an absolute nightmare to deal with when he is a teenager. I still believe that, but W will not listen to me.

We have had him in counseling. I am in favor of all 3 of us going to family counseling. BUT, until their is an 'us' (W and I) we cannot begin to fix the other dynamics of the family R.

Your w is in for a really hard time and losing the male figure in the house was a stupid mistake. But I can see how badly she wanted to escape her life, and you guys did have issues, AND it's too tough for any mother to admit that her own kid drives her nuts. Better to blame Denver than her own child...

ouch

Yup. W is stubborn. She thinks that she can handle it and everything else on her own. Yet, when she can't, she comes to me or her mother for help. Her mom gets appreciated, but I get blamed.

Losing the male figure of the house will be a terrible, terrible mistake on her part. This is one huge reason that her family is pressuring her to reconcile and move back into our home.

Denver

[Denver_2010]

but one that may work in your favour if you continue to be the rock in the sitch. Im sure she is very happy that you are being positive throughout and can only lead to Team Denver standing out even more as the NEW and IMPROVED DENVER.

I see this as challenging as hell but also something that I think you wife will appreciate.

One of my 180s had definitely been to be better with SS in the ways that W always wished that I had been. I believe that I have been pretty successful and have actually realized how much I enjoy hanging out with him. He is usually pretty fun and behaved when it is just he and I.

But I'm not sure that W has taken notice or if she cares at this point. I think that she is so focused on how crappy SS treats her and how terrible she thinks that her life is for it to really make a difference.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

Update...

I called my SS at around 5 to see how school was for him. He was with W and they were driving to the hospital to see SIL and new baby. I asked SS to ask W if she had plans to go out with the girls tonight (she does this a couple of times per month on Wednesdays). She said no. I told SS that I would talk to them later.

I called W about an hour later to see if she and SS wanted to come over for dinner. W told me that she wanted to hang with her brother and his W bc this is their last night in town. She said that she thought that they were planning dinner at her mom's house, but that she hadn't heard back from anyone. So she didn't know what was going on for sure. I told her that if she ended up not doing that, to let me know. She then said that she'd let me know what the plan is when she found out if I wanted to go eat dinner at her mom's for dinner. I said okay.

A little while later W texted me and said that she still hadn't heard anything about dinner plans but that I could head over to the hospital if I wanted. I didn't get the message for about 20 minutes. I responded that I would head over and meet her.

When I got to the hospital, W was sitting in a chair holding new nephew. She smiled at me as I walked in. I walked over to her and kissed her on the forehead and said 'hello'. She seemed receptive to this. SS and niece were excited to see me. They wanted me to take them out in the lobby to play, which I did for a while.

At this point, W became distant from me again. We hung out at the hospital for about an hour and then headed to her mom's house to eat. W was distant from me there too.

After dinner, I started W's car for her bc it is snowing and cold here tonight. After few minutes of saying goodbye's to BIL and his W, I hugged W and told her goodnight.

The distance thing with W was weird tonight. She seemed distant, but whenever something funny was said, she would look over at me smiling. But when I tried to talk to her she was short and seemed uninterested in having a conversation with me.

There is an anger, bitterness, or annoyance that I am causing W right now. I can't quite put my finger on it, nor do I understand why it is happening.

W and I have tickets to go see U2 in less than 2 weeks. We are suppose to spend the day partying, see the concert and then stay at the Ritz Carlton that night. I have trouble seeing this happen with how uncomfortable it is bw us right now. But then again, it wasn't weird on Mother's Day... Her mood changes with me seems to change often... and it can be in the matter of a few minutes.

I don't know what to do about this. It is hard to be around my W right now. I will say that.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

One thing that I forgot to mention in my above update. SS wanted to ride with me rather than W or MIL from hospital to MIL's house.

[Lotus]

My son was incredibly difficult at that age, and for the next 10 years. And I blamed my husband, a lot. Now in retrospect, I see that there wasn't anything my husband could have done either. The kid was just out of control.

A few years later, my second son started displaying bad behavior. Luckily, it was at school, and he got caught. (I didn't think it was lucky at the time.) He spent the next year at a Catholic boarding school an hour from our home. It was expensive. But it was a bargain! Those brothers taught my son to respect his elders, to do what he is told, and to accept punishment as his just reward for bad behavior. I wish I had sent the older boy to boarding school in 8th or 9th grade.

[Lotus]

And I'd like to add that my son says that he will send his son to boarding school for at least a year, when he has a son. He thinks it was an important experience in his life, and he knows he gained a lot from it.

[Denver_2010]

It sounds like my SS could benefit from that experience as well.

[Denver_2010]

Journaling...

I've been having moments of wondering... wondering if all of this is worth it. Worth the fight, worth the pain.

There is a woman... very attractive... very sweet... who would be my safety net if I fall.

I find my thoughts drifting towards wondering what it would be like to go to dinner with her... have her treat me nicely ... happy to be spending time with me.

I find myself going here more and more each day.

I catch myself and then remind myself of how far I have come. How I have taken my M from the proverbial deathbed to a place where there is at least a chance of saving it.

Then I wonder... I have I gone as far as the road goes?

Will my W ever find the feelings that she buried so deep so she could have the strength to leave me? Will she ever find it within herself to forgive me for my role in the breakdown of our M?

No one can answer that question for me... not even my W. So I wait?

Wait to be missed. Wait to be loved again. Wait to share my life the way that I know I want to share it... and in the meantime...

I feel pain that is unbearable at times.

Is it worth it? What is it all for? Have I gone as far as I can with this?

A song that struck me for some reason today...

"Little Motel" - Modest Mouse

I hope that you like it in your little motel
And I hope that the suite sleeps and suits you well
Well I can see it as time and a sight through smell and
Thats why its nice to be by yourself

Cause thats what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for darlin'

We treat mishaps like sinking ships and
I know that I don't want to be out to drift
Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and
They both tell me that we're better than this

Cause thats what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for darlin'

We trade tit for tat like that for this
And I don't think that there was an insult that was missed
I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and
I'm very sorry

Cause thats what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for darlin'

It rained and its over a shooting star
Landed directly on our broke down little car
We fold and we had made a wish
That we would be missed
If one another just did not exist

Cause thats what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting on, aren't we?
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for darlin'

That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for aren't we?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZhHcyKg0io

BITS
Denver

[25yearsmlc]

It sounds like my SS could benefit from that experience as well.

well YOU sure would benefit..and so would your w. Maybe the ss too, but he's not the only one in the equation.