Outing the OM So I was prepared for some heavy backlash on this from them. The lawyers letter is baseless, an empty threat as om is not a resident or national. But it does show they are rattled. I just want them to pause and not think everything is rosy. My wife still lives in the house, still has her job, car, children and now new OM. Theres been no downside for her at all.
Being her cheerleader I have started doing that about a month ago ( I was always supportive ) So when I hear something has gone well for her, I sent her a quick email telling her how great it is, proud of her accomplishments. The key for me is to be credible and pick the right things to cheerlead.Also not to be gushy as she doesnt like that. So her love language would be affirmations, she definately responds to words and talking ( whereas I cooked dinner everynight and that was never seen to be a big thing... and I can COOK !)So I do try to make emails light and friendly. I try and not get her to use sms ( I dont respond to them only email ) as it is very hard to be friendly with text messages and they can be misconstrued.
So even when I said we had to go nc, I was framing it in that she is a loved member of the family and had all the support and care, but we need to have a break for awhile so we could all take a breath and regroup.
When she looks my way A week ago, she was on this " business trip " with OM and I called her on it in a very short email. So I get this tirade back 3 pages of venom. But hidden amongst all the anger was " you do recognise and say the right things to me about us, such as respect and care and suppport" So whilst she rebuffs me 100% of the time, obviously some of it does get through.
What that interlude taught me though is forget about / ignore all the negative things she says about me and marriage, look for the tiny positive things and respond and build up on those. I dont want to get into retalitory emails ( I did write a long tense rebuff to her email and then deleted it once I had got it out )
So what does she need to see in me - that I will support her - that I will not judget her or make hard comments - that I am happy and getting on with life - I am a committed father - that I have changed and it is not a tactic
At the moment, my emails to her are good as I take my time crafting them. My small f2f contact - to be honest is not so good, I see her and I get a bit fidgetty. We havent spoken on phone for awhile, but the last time it was good, i let it go to vm now.
Open arms and acceptance Cautious yes, I have made it clear to her in writing awhile back that there is always a road to reconciliation and that I stand up for my marriage. How we would actually reconcile, I havent discussed as we are no way there yet and it would be complicated to say the least. So I say cautious in that I expect she will find it v hard to stop affair in one go, so I would be cautious.
Be the man I was Sure I understand ( to some degree ) what she saw in me, it was the energy, the success, humor, i cooked , I was travelled I was open to the world and what it could offer and she inturn believed in me.
I was also skinnier! Im working on that..the seperation diet is a good one.
Forgiveness Your so right there, I just remembered she said quietly a few weeks back oh you will never forgive me that we are not moving to the countryside. I said oh no i am fine. The thing was I minimised it, coz to me, I dont really care where we live ( we have lived in other countries, so we are not cemented anywhere ) so I got over not moving there pretty quickly. But she obviously thnks it would be a major hurdle for me. mmmmmm need to think that through more. So I know I have reacted to situations, hence why I am removing my self ( I am looking for loving detachment ) i need to get on an even keel.
Then a new goal would be to quietly communicate that we can forgive that there is a way forward. Its not the right time now ( she not too happy this week dues to the lawyer thingy ) and she is obviously full steam ahead with om - though they havent seen each other now for about 10 days.OK OK Im not thinking about it ( as much )
The road home is paved with... So I need to keep NC for another week, It gives me time to calm down, breathe, talk to you ( Thanks ! )and generally get it together. I have built a web page which has photos of the kids, a shared parenting calender that we can use for co parenting and a dedicated messenger address just for my wife and kids. I was going to send it to her in a weeks time and say this is a good way ( read safe ) to co ordinate the kids, plus share photos, plus for her and I to talk about kids and finances and resolve things quickly via IM.Of course once and if she accepts it, then we can talk online. To me, If I get that in place and being used, thats a really good step.
Oh I smell nice now too! I bought some new cologne ( my beagle loves it at least ) I shave every day, new haircut and new clothes ( I have lost a lot of weight so had too ) She did say I looked good the other day when I dropped the kids off, so thats an improvement. I also try to be mysterious,when the kids call everyday. I am always off somewhere, movies, a class, dinner etc I know this gets back to her.
Whilst I have all my hair, it is grey but she always liked it and I think if I dyed it, she would laugh... But I did have lasik surgery so now no glasses and had my teeth whitened.
So I really like your last part as it gives me hope. I do have a lot to do on myself, but I think we have identified those areas and what to do, so it up to me to put it into action.
The affair I realise now thanks to 25, is not the major issue, it is a symptom. It may continue, it may die tomorrow from the stress, but the one thing I now get is that it is not up to me to do anymore about it , so let it be - it is what it is.
So I will focus on me and the kids ( thats always easy and fun ) and be patient. And I will avoid lawyers!
25 I do not know how I can ever say thankyou enough for your care and guidance, as I am sure others that read this thread take strength in your wisdom as I do.
Facingdivorce Me: 46 W: 40 D8 D6 Seperated feb 2011
