We started off checking in on the parenting coordinator. W did not make any progress but reiterated that it was a priority for her, but her life has been too overwhelming right now. Sigh. If it is such a priority, why has it taken two months to make this little progress? I am not complaining, though.
I haven't yet mentioned it here I don't believe, but my W has decided to take a second job. For the next month, she will teach during the week and then work at a kid's store on the weekends. When school is out, she will take care of our S during the day but continue to work the weekends.
This job discussion became the topic of discussion for the hour. I had a concern with the job and wanted to discuss it. I mentioned how my W decided to take this job without any consideration of my needs. No communication on how it might effect me. I understand that she is not wanting a second job but needs the money to stay afloat. I told her that I was not against the idea, but I would have appreciated if it was discussed a bit more. I only wish she had kept me more in the loop, as she was making this decision.
I told her that her taking this job on the weekends directly impacts me, so it would have been nice to have some idea of her intentions. Right now, we have 50/50 custody of our S. We split the weekend days and nights. On the days that I do not have my S, I try and work overtime at work. It is a lottery system. I put in for overtime every weekend, but I do not get chosen but one day every few weeks. With her taking this job, I will be taking care of our S all weekend. In doing so, I give up any opportunity to work. I actually rely on this overtime pay to pay my bills and meet my needs.
This conversation got VERY heated. My W got very defensive and in return threw a ton of crap at me. She tried to say that I was trying to put my social life in front of my responsibilities as a father. She mentioned that she would cherish any time with our S and disappointed that I didn't feel the same way. She pulled the card that she needs the money more than I do.
The conversation became ridiculous. My W yelled the entire time. She would expertly twist any words that I was able to get out. Anytime I would try to defend myself, she would interrupt me. I will admit. I got extremely flustered. Our therapist tried to regain control of the conversation numerous times. Called my W out on her interruptions. She asked W is she noticed that every time she gets angry, she interrupts anything that I say. Therapist also told her that she was a master of twisting of words. I looked incredibly week in this conversation and lost all control to validate. I spent the entire hour in defense. So frustrating.
It took a long time just to explain that it has nothing to do with unwillingness to take care of our S or the hit on my weekend social life. I truly cherish all time with our S and hold the responsibilities very seriously. The key matter for me was the inability to work and the lack of communication or consideration on her part. Therapist did correct me that consideration was probably not the word I was looking for. This term makes it sound like my W needed permission from me to get a second job. In our current situation, this would be very damaging.
We also talked about how she had a huge issue several years ago when I did not work overtime whenever I could. It was not a lottery system at that time. It always frustrated her that I would not take all that I could when we could have used the money. She thought that I should have worked more. It was pretty frustrating to hear that, as I still worked overtime often back then. since it went to the lottery system over a year ago, I have put in for it every weekend. I tried to validate her feelings but kept coming up short, and it was upsetting my W even more.
I took this opportunity to mention my concerns with validation. I told them it has been something I have really been working on, but I am having trouble with the correct approach in certain situations. Just as I have mentioned here. How do I validate when I do not agree? Therapist mentioned that whenever I agree with my W, I tell her that "I can see how she would feel a certain way". When I do not agree, I tell my W that "I could see how someone would feel this way". It was interesting to be told that, because I never saw it before. I am really going to have to work on validation strategies, because I think mastering this would go a long way.
It took nearly the entire hour to get on the same page, but we finally cooled off and got there. We communicated that she would only work both weekend days a few times a month. We also discussed that if I were to get the promotion that I have been fighting for (could happen in the next month) that I would not need or have the ability for overtime anymore. My therapist told us that we had come a long way in these heated conversations and actually saw the positive in it. Said that we were able to go from opposite sides to an understanding without the needs for breaks or escape. My W said that it would not have been possible anywhere but in a therapy session. Therapist said that over time, it will get better and we would practice on our own.
All in all, it was a very frustrating session. W was mad at the world. I kept making mistakes, as the conversation became escalated. I felt pretty weak, as she was hammering down on me. Maybe keeping my cool and not escalating myself is actually the best thing that I did. I don't know. I just didn't have a positive feeling as I left. It made me want to seek out my W further to make amends. That is frustrating.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
