85 Days

[Denver_2010]

Denver,

OUCH!!...but as bad as it made you feel, I didn't really get that. Seemed to me to be a farewell of sorts. And there's no indication SHE loves him...OTOH,

No. In fact, she has told me on two occasions that she is not in love with him. Was it a farewell, maybe written by OM to seem like that. But it sure seemed meant more to remind her of all of the grand times that they had together during their very long R. LOL... sorry, I just have to laugh at this guy and whatever fantasy world he is living in.

Of course your w is tempted to be in another world or life. Her SS is a handful and he's not going to get easier as he gets older and stronger and more hormonal. OMG I would dread that and I would be tempted to jump ship too. At some level she knows it's not you though, and btw, where is HIS dad?

His dad is in California. SS talks to him a few times per week and sees him a few times per year. But he is not a true father to him. He can't be due to the distance. I have always been the person who has been involved in his discipline and the day to day decision making. Of course W always had the final say. W's complaint about me was that I was only involved on the negative side of things. That I was not a good father figure in the sense that I didn't do enough positive things that dads do... Like play with him, take interest in his activities etc. Although I did try at times, there is truth to what she says about that. It has been another 180 that I have worked on since they left me. One that I don't discuss too much here on the board.

SS is a complete handful! And yes, I know that W has thoughts of what her life would be like without the stress of SS. At the same time, I know that she loves him more than anything in the world. And me? Sometimes I think that I am crazy for not taking W leaving me as an opportunity to jump ship. Sometimes.

It's almost hilarious that she thinks OM is 'great with ss"...really? Based on one evening?? Well good luck with that. (Hopefully they'll all go on a camping trip and if OM is still "great" with SS, pay him to babysit...)

I think that I should clarify the facts here a bit bc I don't think that I have been clear. From December through February, SS had quite a bit of contact with OM. OM befriended him. To my knowledge, OM never took on any role of parenting though. SS and OM were friends. SS likes OM and does not understand why he can't see OM now. This has put more pressure on W regarding her attempt to cut OM completely out of her life.

My comment the other night about OM being so great with SS was more about how SS likes him so much in contrast to the comment that he had made to me about being 'glad that we're not moving back into the house'.

Of course W did make the comment then that OM would tell SS when he was being disrespectful to her. As if I don't!! As I pointed out to her, I have NEVER let SS be disrespectful to her. I have always stood up for her and backed her up. But right now, my role is undefined... I don't feel that I have the authority of a true SF right now. So I don't know WTF I am suppose to do in those situations.

But what was even more insulting is that just earlier in that same day, I had defused an argument between the two of them and convinced him to stop locking himself in her car. On top of that, I had explained to him that the way that he was acting towards him mom was wrong and that he needed to apologize. Which he did!

So when W told me that I just let SS disrespect her, I was p!ssed.

As you get back to your "Denver focussed" plan, you will feel better and she'll see that your changes are real and lasting. This is just a backslide. So, how does the new improved Denver recover from those backslides, today?

Get back on the horse and keep ridin' 25. That's what I did as the day went along and that is what I will continue to do.

Thanks!

Denver

[Denver_2010]

Brief Update...

I drove out of town for work yesterday after the stuff that happened with my last update. It was a tough trip bc I was by myself There is nothing time and the open road to help a person obsess with things like I wrote about yesterday.

W had to go to a funeral yesterday at 1:30, so she called in sick at work. On my way out of town, I texted her to let her know where I had put the check that I had left at her house. I told her, "sorry that you have to go to a funeral today. I hope that you have a great day though'.

My court appearance was in my hometown about 2 hours away from where I live now. W had asked me on Monday night if I was going to stay the night so that I could visit my sister and grandmother. I told her that I didn't know. That I was going to be prepared to do that, but that it would be a last minute decision.

At around 6 p.m. W texted me asking me if I was staying the night. She told me that she had gotten the check and was out again. I tried calling W, but she didn't answer the phone. I called SS's phone. SS told me that they were at the hospital where SIL is after having her baby. W was doing something with niece. I asked SS about school to see if he had a good day and if he had stayed out of trouble.

A little while later, I texted W to let her know that I was not staying the night and that I was headed home soon. She texted back that she was busy with niece and that is why she had not answered her phone. I responded by telling her that I would talk to her later.

At around 8 p.m., SS called my phone. He was upset and asked me if I would pick him up. I asked him what was wrong. He and W had gotten into an argument.

SS has been saying things lately about W abusing him, that he's going to call the cops to get her into trouble, that she hits him, and other b.s. This has happened 2 or 3 times over the past week.

So SS started telling me these things again. That W had hit him... that W said that she wished she could hit him as hard at she could. I told SS that he had been saying that a lot lately and that he knew those things were not true... that I knew that they were not true. I told SS that he needed to go do whatever it was that W had told him to do. SS got mad at me and told me 'you always help mom, you never help me.' As I was trying to talk to SS more, W called.

I got on the phone with W and she was very upset at SS. And she was rude to me. She asked if I was on the phone with him. I told her that I was and that I didn't know what was going on. W told me to get off of the phone with him and that she needed him to help her bc she had niece and something else... couldn't understand her. I calmly told her that I would and reminded her that I was 2 hours away and had no idea what was going on.

I got back on the phone with SS and told him to go help his mom. That I would talk to him later.

I headed home. About an hour after getting off of the phone with W and SS, W called me again. I was driving at the time. W was a bit calmer, but still rude with me. She was obviously still very upset. I asked what had happened and she explained why SS had gotten mad. She told me some things that SS said to her that were pretty awful for a 12 year old to say to his mom. W said that he was doing this in front of her 2 year old niece. I asked W if she was okay. She responded by saying that she is just sick of her life. That she just wished that everyone would just leave her alone. I didn't respond other than to say "okay, lets talk later."

I got home and W called again. This was about an hour after the last conversation. W was nicer to me, but still upset. But instead of an angry type of upset, I could sense more of a sad upset. It sounded like she was about ready to break down into tears.

She said that she remembered what it was that she did that SS thought was her hitting him. She said that she had tried to put her hand over his mouth when she was cursing at her so that niece wouldn't hear. that SS had pulled away and knocked her hand down. W obviously felt some need to explain this to me. I told her that I completely understood, and that knew that SS was making stuff up. That i had also noticed him doing this the past few days. I told W that she shouldn't worry about it. While it was obvious that she was, she said, 'I'm not worried about it. But he can't continue to live with me if he is going to be like this. I won't put up with that b.s.' I told her that I thought that everyone needed counseling with this sitch. She told me that she thought it was SS, not anything else. That SS has a problem with her. I didn't have a chance to respond, and it is probably good. W's mom pulled up into her driveway at that time and W said she needed to go.

I texted W about 20 minutes later. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight' She responded, "Ok. My mom is still here. Night.'

things with SS are getting bad the past few days. I suspect that it has something to do with his uncle being in town from Korea and a bit of jealousy that he feels re uncle's new W. He was very excited to see his uncle, but he hasn't gotten as much attention as I think that he thought he would. He is acting out. At least that IMO.

I'm starting to get worried about W's emotional state in regards to SS. I worry that she is not dealing well at all right now and that there may be signs of MLC. I hope that I'm wrong, but I've never heard W mention SS not living with her, or heard her be so frustrated with his behavior.

BITS
Denver

[♪CS♪]

Hey Denver, no advice for this go around, and no 2x4's (unfortunately!). Just some words.

I have some new respect for your situation right now. Realizing how hard of spot you are in. Now my W and I are nowhere close to where you are, but until recently I was in the shadows. Some very light back and forth about D, and nothing more. It was pretty easy for me to put her and my sitch on the back burner as I focused on my life.

Since W's dad died I have been pulled back in in a big way. A lot of contact, conversations that are a lot more emotional. I realize now how much harder it is when they are right there. Right in front of you. Part of your life.

Anyways, enough about me. Just wanted to say that I understand your situation a little better now.

One thing is for sure, it will take everything you have man. I know you get tired. But I know you have more to give, and you know what you need to do. It just comes down to fighting as hard as you can. Be as strong as you can. And when the dust settles, regardless of the outcome, knowing you held nothing back.

Good luck man.

[25yearsmlc]

Denver,

Don't underestimate what a bag of trouble that kid can be. My sister is a widow and on her h's deathbed (brain tumor at age 42), her ss14 became so irate and crazy unreasonable, (oppositional defiance and "borderline personality disorder" are words that now terrify me) that the STATE found my BIL to be neglectful (you had to be a L, which I am, to figure out that his incapacity while dying, fit the criteria for child in need of more supervision. My sister was, like you, a step parent with few rights. It turned a tragic situation into an utter nightmare.

I had to go to court for my sister and bil, (who was in hospice by then) to make sure my sister wasn't labelled as abusive or neglectful. This was now about 3 days before he died. When I was there, and saw how my nephew acted WHILE HIS OWN FATHER LAY DYING, all I can say is I have never wanted to hit a boy More in my life)...

My h and I were asked if we'd take him in but we have a younger d, and nephew is weird and has lit fires...NIGHTMARE...he freaked me out so much, that we said "no. Have to put our children first" but that is how much I feared that boy. Don't poo poo this.

Get him some help. It's NOT normal for a 12 y/o to say those things or to need attention so much or to have those diagnoses tossed out. They are red flags.

Your w is in for a really hard time and losing the male figure in the house was a stupid mistake. But I can see how badly she wanted to escape her life, and you guys did have issues, AND it's too tough for any mother to admit that her own kid drives her nuts. Better to blame Denver than her own child...

ouch

[ninelives]

Wow Denver, another issue to complicate a complicated situation but one that may work in your favour if you continue to be the rock in the sitch. Im sure she is very happy that you are being positive throughout and can only lead to Team Denver standing out even more as the NEW and IMPROVED DENVER.

I see this as challenging as hell but also something that I think you wife will appreciate.

Keep it up!

9

[♪CS♪]

Like play with him, take interest in his activities etc. Although I did try at times, there is truth to what she says about that.

Have you done anything to correct this recently? Maybe some 1 on 1 time with SS would be a good idea.

2 pennies.

[♪CS♪]

Just some more random thoughts...

You could offer to take SS for the weekend. Give W a break. She can go to a spa, whatever she likes.

IDK

2 bits minus 23¢

[Starsky309]

My W, however, cannot rely upon this idea that things will just 'sort themselves out'. It's like Lotus said, she is waiting for a bolt of lightening or some sort of magical sign that is going to help her decide what she wants to do with her life.

It just doesn't work like that. Life is making choices, decision... and working to make them as successful as possible.


BITS
Denver

I know, Denver -- I couldn't agree more.


Starsky

[Denver_2010]

I realize now how much harder it is when they are right there. Right in front of you. Part of your life.

Thanks Country. Yes, when you are around the WAS all of the time, you feel as if you are under a microscope constantly... well, actually you are. It is very difficult to maintain focus at all times knowing that the slightest mistake can set you back.

It hasn't been easy.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

Just some more random thoughts...

You could offer to take SS for the weekend. Give W a break. She can go to a spa, whatever she likes.

IDK

2 bits minus 23¢

Thanks again Country. I have tried quite a bit of what you suggested. I have actually taken SS quite a bit over the past 3 months. Mostly when W has been working, but also for her to go out with the girls a couple of times. Apparently, W still doesn't appreciate me. Either that, or she thinks that I deserve punishment for some undetermined amount of time. Who knows.

BITS
Denver