Digging Through Old Email

[tadpole1025]

Cyrena, I don't get this:

The depressed person has no idea she's unhappy and hurting

If they have no idea that they are unhappy and hurting, how are they depressed?

Tad

[AntoniaB]

Yes, they should win academy awards. My XH told me on the way out the door that he was always the greatest actor who ever lived. That he had NEVER really shown who he really was UNTIL THAT MOMENT. I don't believe it. I think he just found a new role to play that he had never played before. But these people really lack a sense of identity at their core. I think I had one and lost it in him and the marriage--now I've got it back, stronger than ever. But him? Your wife? Not right now.

They have extraordinary problems with following through. Hence my XH bolts but then takes 5 months to bother filling out 2 pages to file for divorce. Claims he's "getting around to it."

Here we are at a year nearly and only yesterday did he FINALLY contact DMV to ask how to get one another's names off our car titles. I mean, the man no longer has a home or giant yard to care for, no worries other than showing up 40 hours a week for work, but it took nearly a year to call DMV? And he signed a separation agreement awarding me possession of my car and he his last August.

These people expect us to do the dirty work, the minutiae of actually making a divorce happen and two lives and possessions separate. It's probably part depression, part laziness, part forgetfulness and the fog, coupled with the distraction, any time they have to do something that might remind them of what they have done, of finding refuge in the OW/OM who takes their mind off reality.

I think it must be enormously tough to have that level of depression and pull off the "I'm so happy" act but I've seen my XH do it to an amazing degree when he'd go from crying and angry and verbally abusive rants to the next day taking me on a date that any woman would be thrilled to be on.

I think it was only when I was able to see through the act and I started calling him on it that he bailed on me. Now the OW will probably take years to see through his act.

[AntoniaB]

Oh I can answer your question above using myself! (but hopefully Cyrena will answer too). How can a person be depressed and yet have no idea she is unhappy and hurting? I just found a bunch of stuff I wrote today back like 5 years ago. I had just started seeing a mind-body doctor and I was talking about how I had these physical problems that were probably exacerbated by stress and anxiety and stuff. The person I come off as in the stuff I wrote was CLEARLY suffering from depression. I can see it so easily NOW. But I did so much rationalization of things in my fog--I blamed a TON of other things--work, my parents, a boss here and there, all of that for the reason that I was unhealthy. I never took at look at myself. I externalized all of my angst and said it was someone else's fault. Therefore I wasn't depressed. I was a victim.

I never blamed my XH but EVERYONE else for my own idenity problems or lack of self-esteem/confidence.

So I was where my XH eventually ended up, only I was so tied to him and the marriage FOR my happiness, that I never blamed those things.

He did the same as me--externalized his own inadequacies. For years he blamed all of it--work, other people, etc. Then it hit a breaking point, and he turned it onto me at the same moment a willing young woman who resembled a younger version of me walked into his life. Boom. It was suddenly all my fault; all the marriage's fault.

The only thing that forced me to confront myself and stop externalizing my unhappiness and get out of depression was for him to betray me. That's why I think my XH is stuck forever unless she betrays him. I want her to betray him so he is forced to confront the way I did. I don't want this to happen so he comes back to me. I just don't know if we'd find each other compatible anymore. But until he's given the shaft, he's never going to face himself.

I think this is why for so many in MLC the only real wakeup call for them is if they go on this so-called journey and it backfires royally on them and they run out of places to hide. I hid for a long time till he left me. That's why in the end, as sad as I am about losing him, what he did to me made me a better person. Sad, but true. I had to be betrayed to grow.

[Lorie1964]

I think this is why for so many in MLC the only real wakeup call for them is if they go on this so-called journey and it backfires royally on them and they run out of places to hide. I hid for a long time till he left me. That's why in the end, as sad as I am about losing him, what he did to me made me a better person. Sad, but true. I had to be betrayed to grow.

Antonia! I think I was going through my own MLC at the same time and H betraying me is what woke me up. In looking at my own behaviors and self reflection, I was definately in MLC. Heck, I got a tattoo two years ago and I think I have been in MLC since until H left. Crazy, isn't it. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread.
Blessings!

[Cyrena]

Cyrena, I don't get this:

The depressed person has no idea she's unhappy and hurting

If they have no idea that they are unhappy and hurting, how are they depressed?

Tad

Tad, I'm not quite sure how you understand depression? It's a physical condition (lack of seratonin in the body) which produces specific mental misfunctions. Without the correct chemical flow in the body, the brain literally cannot fire properly, and the depressed person acts more and more erratically.

Because seratonin loss occurs gradually after some traumatic event or illness, the person who is becoming depressed doesn't realize that a change is happening. It's like when you walk into a dark corridor: at first the light from the opening is all around you, then it gradually lessons, and suddenly you realize you can't see your hand in front of you--but you couldn't define a particular point when you went from light to dark. You might think, "Why didn't I notice how dark this corridor was when I first stepped into it?" while the depressed person thinks, "I never noticed before how annoying it is when my spouse does [fill in blank]."

Similarly, the depressed person doesn't understand that the change is in them. They feel numb and don't immediately recognize it as unhappiness, assuming that it's being caused by external issues.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Cyrena, now I understand it. You explained it well.

W just sent me a text and said that she wants S16 Friday - Sunday this weekend instead of the usual Saturday - Sunday. She usually spends Friday nights with OM. I figure that this weekend must be her "time of the month" weekend. I'm not trying to be gross. I'm just writing down my feelings. She also said that next weekend she will not have S16 at all because she will be "out of town."

Damn her.

The funny thing is, she thinks all of this is just perfectly okay because, to use her words, "I was already on my way out of the marriage anyway."

Sometimes I hate the b!tch. Now is one of those times.

Tad

[AJM]

Yeah, Tad, I know how you feel brother. It comes and goes, but you have to work on making it go. Don't get stuck there ok? You'll find later that spending that time being angry while necessary is not a good use of your time. Can be unproductive if it goes too long.

Post to me
June 20
Happy Father's Day! Thanks for being such a great father to our children! We are blessed to have you in our lives.

Yeah Tad. I got similar in the form of a Valentines day card. I got statements such as "you deserve better than me" etc. Right before she left the second time? She got me drunk and tried to tell me she would fund me if I wanted to start a business after she graduated. Neat huh?

They know what they are doing isn't right. They are looking for that next high and want to blame you for their issues.

What's the alternative Tad? To admit they are broken and crazy vs. "if I just get rid of this or just get this, then I'll be happy" ? After a while, anyone would break down and go for the latter. Kind of like a sick person that self medicates, no? Lots of similarities. But make no mistake - she makes her own decisions. It's her choice to blame you. It's her choice to leave. And so on....

It's your choice to focus on you and to stay away from her. She will NOT change until she has a reason to do so. Some call that hitting bottom.

Mine even went so far as to get meds for depression. I suspect she is off them now. The lunatic email I got not long ago would seem to point in that direction.

But outside of trying to understand her and what's going on, it really doesn't matter. If I broke my leg, don't I still have a responsibility to feed and take care of myself? In much the same way, she has a responsibility to her family to not do what she is doing. She CHOSE to do so. She CHOSE to blame you vs. anyone else even if she doesn't realize that.

Now. What are you choosing to do for you my friend?

AJ

[AntoniaB]

Good that you are letting that out here, Tad. That's a step in the right direction. You can hate her all you want today, then let it pass. She is a cloud moving across the sky. Eventually what she said tonight that triggered these feelings in you will pass and you'll feel less angry.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ and Antonia. You guys are such a big help.

It's funny. Most times if you mention MLC on the street people look at you strangely or think you are weird or something. Thank God for this board. The people here understand because we're all going through this Hell together.

They know what they are doing isn't right. They are looking for that next high and want to blame you for their issues.

So why do it then? I've spent my entire life trying to do the right thing. If I know something isn't right or is going to hurt someone, I don't do it. Period. My Grandmother raised me and she raised me right. My W used to be the same way. This is so out of character for her. I think she was going to leave and meant for everyone to find out about OM later. She messed up and I found out all about him before she even moved out.

But make no mistake - she makes her own decisions. It's her choice to blame you. It's her choice to leave. And so on....

Yeah AJ. I'm getting the blame for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I'm sure it was my fault that the Steelers lost the Super Bowl this year.

She will NOT change until she has a reason to do so. Some call that hitting bottom.

She told me a few weeks ago that her life svcked and that she had no money. Maybe her life needs to get a little worse?

In much the same way, she has a responsibility to her family to not do what she is doing. She CHOSE to do so. She CHOSE to blame you vs. anyone else even if she doesn't realize that.

Yeah....and I thought she was a much better person. Do you think she has always been this mean and selfish person and it is just now coming out? Showing her true colors?

What are you choosing to do for you my friend?

Still looking for work buddy. Once I find a job, I'm sure things will be easier on me because I will be occupied.

You can hate her all you want today, then let it pass. She is a cloud moving across the sky. Eventually what she said tonight that triggered these feelings in you will pass and you'll feel less angry.

I sometimes wish that I could stay angry at her, but i can't.

W sent S16 a text ealrier saying that she loved him.

Then she sent S18 a text wanting to know if he wanted to spend the weekend with her. He said no. Then she asked if she could take him to lunch on Friday when she picks up S16. He said no and she asked why. He told her that he didn't feel like doing anything with her right now.

I personally think that she is trying to connect with them because then she won't feel so bad about what she is going to do next weekend when she is "out of town."

God I hate her right now. Never thought I was even capable of having these feeling towards the woman that was once my beautiful W.

By the way, she looks absolutely awful. She doesn't look like the same person. I don't see how anyone could find her attractive right now. I'm sure OM is just using her as a piece of a$$. He's been single for like 15 years. I wish I could show you guys pictures. The change in her appearance is absolutely incredible.

I'm not going to see her this weekend either. I won't be here when she picks up S16 on Friday and I won't get out of the car on Sunday when I pick him up. Just like last weekend....

Thanks again.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

P.S...I also get the blame for her "loving me but not being in love with me."

She says that I chipped away at her love over the years until there was nothing left.



Tad