Don't underestimate what a bag of trouble that kid can be. My sister is a widow and on her h's deathbed (brain tumor at age 42), her ss14 became so irate and crazy unreasonable, (oppositional defiance and "borderline personality disorder" are words that now terrify me) that the STATE found my BIL to be neglectful (you had to be a L, which I am, to figure out that his incapacity while dying, fit the criteria for child in need of more supervision. My sister was, like you, a step parent with few rights. It turned a tragic situation into an utter nightmare.
I had to go to court for my sister and bil, (who was in hospice by then) to make sure my sister wasn't labelled as abusive or neglectful. This was now about 3 days before he died. When I was there, and saw how my nephew acted WHILE HIS OWN FATHER LAY DYING, all I can say is I have never wanted to hit a boy More in my life)...
My h and I were asked if we'd take him in but we have a younger d, and nephew is weird and has lit fires...NIGHTMARE...he freaked me out so much, that we said "no. Have to put our children first" but that is how much I feared that boy. Don't poo poo this.
Get him some help. It's NOT normal for a 12 y/o to say those things or to need attention so much or to have those diagnoses tossed out. They are red flags.
Your w is in for a really hard time and losing the male figure in the house was a stupid mistake. But I can see how badly she wanted to escape her life, and you guys did have issues, AND it's too tough for any mother to admit that her own kid drives her nuts. Better to blame Denver than her own child...
ouch
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
