Greenblue: Man, it sure feels over now that she's started trying to divide property for divorce. I don't see her changing her mind. She's among a coterie of friends who will validate her choices.
I am absolutely desolate now. Aside from losing the love of my life to temporary insanity, I stand to lose half my pension, half my savings, and thousands in legal fees and refinancing. And there appears to be nothing I can do--funding her degrees apparently will count for exactly jack.
No idea how to proceed except with the D, which is not what I want.
Hos, do your best to emotionally and intellectually escape from this, right now. Just make sure it's legal, moral, and ethical...
There are those on this board who will remind you that there are plenty of instances where D was a necessary step to R and back to M. It DOES happen. D is not necessarily the end.
That said, the M ain't over... 'til it's over. She might be fast tracking and it might appear that she has a fan base for D, but that does not mean she can't just as abruptly stop in her tracks. Something could trigger her to doubt her direction as strongly as whatever it was that triggered to move full steam ahead right now.
Patience, my friend. Focus on your hobby... and make GALing your hobby...
KD is right though. A friend of mine told me a while back, "Moose, you don't have D papers in your hands. And even then, there's a 90 day waiting period in this state...you have time, use it."
So I'm going to tell you the same thing. YOU have time...use it! A lot of the vets have told me that once the actual D process starts, the reality can set in for your W. Having to actually work on it can serve as a real wake up call.
But the other side of the coin is that we can't think that way. You and I both know we have to focus on ourselves. Listen to KD...GAL man. I know, it's easy for me to say and I'm struggling with the same thing right now...but it's what we have to do.
Keep your head up Hos.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
GALing is easier on the days I actually get sleep. Honestly, I'm doing really well on that front; the problem is, most of my existing hobbies and such are things W liked to do as well, and it's hard to reengage with them without thinking of her and getting sad. For example, last night I finished off a TV series she and I had been watching, and just wound up bawling my eyes out that I wasn't experiencing it with her--and I didn't even like it that much! Similarly my other hobbies are both somewhat shared with her and also introvert/isolationist (programming, gaming, electronics).
That's another reason why the ballroom dancing stuff is so important to me right now--it's social, it's active, and it's something we almost never did together.
As for isolating myself from her, tough call (I've already had a friend or two "unfriend" from her FB and confront her, which may do more harm than good). I necessarily HAVE to have email contact to deal with the D prep, assuming that progresses. As far as the social networking goes, I'm not sure what her reaction would be to me unfriending/ignoring her, and while the purpose of GAL is for me and not her, I also want her to know I'm doing it to some extent (not much, and my DB phone coach encourages me to let her wonder). So that may well be coming.
Man, lots of crap going on. I do wish there was a crystal ball which said whether they would come back, because if there's any chance, man, I'll wait. But if there really is no chance, I want this over with fast.
For now, at least, I know there's a chance, so I'm hanging in there.
So... I'm talking to a DB coach tomorrow, but what do you folks think--she really is pressing for D; should I even try to oppose it, risking pushback, or should I just go along while she's in a negotiating mood and hope it gets better? I'm totally unclear on how to proceed. Maybe Jody will have some ideas.
I may have asked in my previous (unapproved-yet) post, but... I have time, sure. But how can I possibly "use it"?
I'm GALing like a champ. But of course I'd use that time to GAL whether or not I was on the road to D. What can I possibly do to help prevent this from happening? Fighting it sounds like it would entrench her deeper; embracing it, while certainly a 180, is not really what I'd prefer...
Hos, I just caught up on your entire thread today. I see a lot of similarities in my sitch. My W has been hell bent on D since she bombed me. She just moved out this past weekend. But she just invited me to dinner tonight. We've even started some of the paperwork for D. Some positive signs I've seen since DB'ing are at least she's slowed down her pace on the D (although she'll express frustration that it's been so long and the D process has only gone so far)
It always possible she will start down this road to D and see what it's all about and turn back. I think you're in the position right now to do your absolute best to get her to want to turn back. Perhaps once she heads down this road so far she won't ever want to go down it again. You likely have more time than you feel like you have right now. It ain't over until YOU say it's over.
Like the others said, GAL like gangbusters right now. It's going to make you feel a lot better. It's very liberating. You won't feel like a victim. And - you may appear more attractive to her. Just make the changes for YOU, though. That's the only way they'll be permanent.
Been reading your posts, and I can truly understand what you're feeling regarding the complete disbelief that your W/best friend/lover has become some stranger whom you no longer recognize. I really liked this description from one of your earlier posts:
"As others have said, it's almost like losing your loved one to a disease that reanimates their body."
It's tempting-so very tempting-to check her FB status and maybe snoop around other areas just to try to get a read on what she is thinking. But that is a lose-lose situation. I did that for about 4 weeks after my W dropped the "never really loved you" bomb and everything I discovered about her EA and her general state of mind brought unbelievable pain, and did absolutely nothing to help.
Your W is farther down the D road than mine, but as I said, I understand what you're going through. All of the advice you've read regarding GAL and detaching is spot on. Because really, what else can you/we do? We can't change how they think, how they act or how they look at us. They will do whatever they feel like doing because they are the centers of their own worlds now. Only their happiness matters to them, and to hell with everything and everyone else. Marriage vows? Promises? Commitment? Bah; means nothing. 1 week before my W bombed me me she left several cards around the house for me to find; they said "Love You Forever"; "I Love Being Your Wife"; "You Are My One and Only". At the same time she's having a hot & heavy EA with an old high school friend.
All we can do is keep ourselves, healthy, reasonably happy and sane. Everything else will fall where it falls.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Hoswald With my W every time I fought the D, it just emboldened her and drove her further down the path. It wasn't until I started saying the following that things started changing:
"I understand you feel that this is what you must do, you know I wish things didn't have to be this way, but if you feel this is the best path for you then there is nothing I can do. I wish you the best of luck"
Then I gave her some quiet time to think. Then she would think of how life "REALLY" would be like, freak out, and start telling me how bad things would be.
At this point all I would say....
"I'm sorry to hear it will be hard, but don't worry you'll manage, your bright and smart, you can do it."
Then reality would really set in....
See my theory for WAW's is that the fantasy of running away is way more appealing than the actual truth. Let her push this as far as she wants, show her it is not what you want, but respect her wishes. By doing this she will have to realize that she has to do this, because she wants to do this for herself, not because she wants to run away from a bad version of you. (The bad version of you, that you are supposed to be getting rid of through DB, see how it works!)
In my opinion all WAW's are running away from a situation they think is hopeless, most likely they DONT want to get divorced, but feel there is no other choice. Fix yourself so that they no longer have a reason to run away from you, then give them time to re-evaluate the true reasons they are running away.
IF you are doing it right in my opinion your WAW will be faced with 2 choices:
1. Run away from a problem that is no longer there thanks to DB.
2. Run away from you and towards a life of bliss, happiness, and independence. (A life which is most likely a fairy tale, with no real basis in reality).
Give her time to realize that you are a better person, and give her time to realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side.
This WILL take time, and may even go as far as actually getting the D. She may also never turn back, but in my opinion this is the best you can do if you want at least a "chance" at saving this.
In my opinion all WAW's are running away from a situation they think is hopeless, most likely they DONT want to get divorced, but feel there is no other choice. Fix yourself so that they no longer have a reason to run away from you, then give them time to re-evaluate the true reasons they are running away.
