my h and son gave me necklace

[25yearsmlc]

"I don't want my h to burn in hell and that's where he is headed if he doesn't repent from his sinful life style."

It's responses like this that really get me worried about you.

Rysmom,

I had a similar reaction to that post. If you've projected that to your h, it cannot have gone over well. I don't know how you know who is going to hell and who isn't, but I do know that in my experience, no man is going to go home to someone who feels or acts as if they think HE is such a bad sinner that he's going to hell. What is your goal here? Is guilt the way you got him to come home the first time? I don't think that will work twice.

And dear RM, seriously, it just makes you sound...unwell. And unrealistic.

Please keep us posted on how you are.

[rysmom]

I understand what you mean about to much waiting and not enough what works. I dont know how to move forward from here. my therapist is not much help anymore and i cant find a new one.

[rysmom]

I have a lot of trouble with the forgiveness part. When i think of h going to bed every night with the ow, and spending all of his money on her buying her any thing she wants it hurts me terribly. They are both happy go lucky people, and i dont think anything is going to break their bond.

[MrBond]

First off, stop with the negative self-talk. It can't be that hard to find a therapist. Or go to a church to find someone. Even if they aren't your denomination. Just get help.

Rysmom it's been 4 years and you're in the same spot since the beginning. Learn about forgiveness and letting go. It's hard, but geez you have to start SOMETIME! Only you can get yourself motivated to heal.

If you want to stay depressed, scared, condemning, angry, then keep talking yourself out of healing.

My advice to you would be to STOP PRAYING FOR YOUR H TO COME BACK! Pray for your salvation and that you get well. Stop thinking about him and his bond with the OW. Concentrate on YOU. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN UNTIL YOU DO THAT. ALSO PRAY FOR YOUR SON. And stop complaining to God about how your H is an SOB for having OW and listening to heavy metal.

Save YOURSELF.

[25yearsmlc]

Do the Serenity prayer and mean it. Live it. God doesn't give us what we think we want and need. He gives us the strength to carry on and face what comes, if we let him in. You are deeply resentful and thats why you are miserable. It is about what is in your heart, not what is happening externally. I fear as if you think your happiness is dependent on your h's/OW's misery. It's not. Your happiness is solely your responsibility. Please read that again. Do you believe it?

The thing about forgiveness is, I don't believe you understand it or you are making it about absolution.

And you think they don't "deserve" forgiveness, so you hold onto your pain. (That also confirms in your h's eyes the validity of his choice and the unlikely chance of coming home. After all, he'd have to face your wrath and depression and my dear RM, that's not attractive. Tough to hear, but true.)

[color:#000099]When we stay angry to punish someone else, it's like lighting ourselves on fire, to get smoke in their eyes...

But forgiveness is NOT ABOUT THEM; it is 100% about you.[/color]

It's You freeing yourself to move on, which you can only do when you don't keep cycling through your anger. When you finally CHOOSE TO realize in a "come to Jesus moment," that your pain and anger are consuming you, you will start to drop the baggage on the floor, OR you will be consumed by it.

You talk about hell and salvation but to me, your soul is shrinking as your resentment is growing. It's like the book by CS Lewis, called the "Great Divorce" ([b]not about divorce[/b] btw) and in there, the people are arguing about who gets into heaven, versus hell,& why, etc.

The people who hold grudges get smaller as their grudges get bigger, and soon, you cannot see their old happy selves b/c they disappear...and only their pain is there.

When you really turn this over to God, and leave the results up to HIM, then maybe you'll start to let go of the chains you are lugging around.

I worry about what your son sees. He's 17, and will be out of the house soon. What then, for you?

You are not modelling a healing process for him but you know he's watching you and that someday, he'll be hurt too. Show him your pain is not eternal or fatal b/c it's not. How will HE face that pain, if all he sees is years of it in you?

Here's a 2 x 4...you are not the first woman to be left by her h. And most women have it worse than you, when it does happen. Your "problem" is that your h is pleasant to you. I guess you see that as hopeful so you don't choose to move forward, though God only knows why.

I mean you can move forward without giving up, but I've already said that to you...see if this story helps...

When I was pregnant last, I was hospitalized with pneumonia and a ruptured disk. I felt pretty damn sorry for myself b/c I was sick enough to be hospitalized and felt LOUSY and in PAIN. I was also working full time and now the baby was coming early (although most likely was safe).

As I lay there and prayed, I noticed there was a full moon and as I saw it, I suddenly felt connected to all the other pregnant women in the world and realized that some of them saw that same moon. Maybe they were indoors, maybe not. Certainly MOST of them, were not in western hospitals like me. It hit me that many of them had not had any pre-natal care and probably worried that they'd deliver outside, or without medical help. Would their babies have a chance? Would their husbands survive whatever they were facing? Many did not have h's at all. Many of those women probably worried that their h's were never coming back or were dead or missing in action.

But I knew when I went home to my house (with indoor plumbing and electricity), that there would be food in my refrigerator, and I'd go home in a car we owned. And into a home we owned, with nice furniture and a big bath tub and medicine for the baby if she needed it.

No one was telling me how to worship, no one was threatening my h or my other children, or me, or raping them or making them join their armies of thugs (which happens every day in Africa and other parts of the world, to literally millions)

No one was shooting at me as I tried to escape their clutches, or climb a wall, or flee to a free land b/c I live in a free country already, through no act of my own. No one denied me the right to vote, or work, or go where I please...I suddenly realized, in the big picture, OMG I have it better than 99% of women in the world. I was filled with gratitude and a bit of shame b/c I realized how ungrateful I had been. .

Do more volunteer work at a shelter or battered women's home. Go see the truly disabled veterans who are young & missing their legs, facing a world not knowing how they'll make it in life...

Please, see a c who helps you get unstuck. But at a certain level, it really is ALL up to you. If you DO the Serenity Prayer, you'll be at a good place to start.

Good luck

[rysmom]

thank you for taking the time to post your long reply. I text h last week some negative things i know i shouldnt have. How do i forgive and get rid of this anger? I text him pleasant things today and he responded nicely. I should probably leave him alone now right and focus on my life., like volunteering? It just hurts me knowing that h is going away with ow instead of with his family.

[rysmom]

I went away to my sisters in PA for weekend with my son we had a great time. We went our to eat and had lobster my favorite and watched my 1 yr old grandniece. i hated coming back home.

[MrBond]

"How do i forgive and get rid of this anger?"

You've been asking this for three years. You do it by not concentrating on him and concentrating on yourself. Do what you find pleasure in doing. If you're going to volunteer, be sure you do it for you and for helping others. Not because it might get your H back.

"i hated coming back home."
And stop talking in negatives. Quotes like the above just shows all the poison you have in you.

Is it possible to spend more time with your sister? You need time to heal and get all those toxic thoughts out of your system. Re-read glamgirl's post. She let everything go and forgave. Only you can decide how to do that, but YOU have to take a step to WANT to forgive.

You have to want it as much as it hurts to do so. And then stick with it. The pain will lessen when you see the light at the top of the hole that you've buried yourself into. But you have to WANT to get out of the hole.

[25yearsmlc]

I text h last week some negative things i should not have.
[color:#FF0000]Has this EVER produced the results you wanted? What was your real goal in sending those messages?
[/color]
How do i forgive and get rid of this anger?

That's the lesson of this, and a question you need to ask God and pray about, seek help with, thru your counselor or doctor, and read all the books on it. Marianne Williamson has a book on Handling Fear & Anger and another one, Return to Love, which helped me with forgiveness. I literally did not know how to do it. Never had to forgive any big deal before. But realize this: If you cannot forgive, then there is no hope for your m. Do you see why?

I was not raised seeing forgiveness. My parents fought, got louder, sometimes violent, and then they'd retreat. I saw no real apologies or forgiveness until my father was on his death bed, filled with regrets.

It's a learned process and an acquired skill. It's part of being a good person. Finally, after going around and around, wanting reassurance that I was "right" and that h was wrong and needed to come home and blah blah blah wasting my breath!!

I knew my anger & pain was consuming ME, and interfering with my r's with the children. I was so pre-occupied and irritable and moody, for too long.

I then heard someone say that "holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes." Wow...

That's when I realized the meaning of the phrase that "forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself". It's not about them. You've heard this many times I know.

It's about setting ourselves free to live well, happily, not weighed down by the baggage of our chains of pain. This is a holy lesson to model for and teach your son. It is NOT about your h, or his actions or condoning or you being a martyr. It's about you being healthy, and moving forward, NOT being stuck the rest of your life.

Do you ever worry about what will happen when a girl breaks up with your son? No doubt some girl will. I fear he'll either never let a girl into his heart OR he'll be crushed...and or bitter and self righteous. What might you teach him, INSTEAD?

I text him pleasant things today and he responded nicely.

Why are you in so much contact with him? Has it gotten him home?


You didn't answer my earlier questions about why your h returned before, only to leave again. What did he SAY were his reasons for leaving, returning, leaving again? What was different when he came home? What would be different NOW? If nothing would be different (as in, you and the M), then why would he return? These are the DB questions about what works and what does not.

I should probably leave him alone now right and focus on my life., like volunteering? It just hurts me knowing that h is going away with ow instead of with his family.

Yes you must leave him alone. It's holding you back. You are not working on yourself so you are in your own way. I mean, if he wanted to come home but to a new, better m, why would he think that would happen? You seem, to be in the same place you were a few months after he left the first time.
Rysmom, God helps those who help themselves. This experience did bring me closer to Him but I did not confuse "standing" with standing still...I had to DO, not sit. I had to make a brave journey inward to see what "plank" was in my own eye, and only focus on that. It's not my job to judge my h. That's God's.

As for "it just hurts me knowing..." then I ask you, how long has it been going on? How long are you going to let that hurt you? Do you see how this is self inflicted? What if he always lives with her? You'll never be happy again?? Your happiness completely depends on the actions of a man you used to live with?

What if he marries her? Or just never comes home? Will you always feel this way? Will your happiness always be subject to whatever HE does/says/feels/thinks/or lack thereof?

IOW, How long will you let yourself be hurt by the actions of someone else?

Have you tried meds?

When I was "circling the drain" and repeating myself, not eating right or sleeping right and just obsessing, boring people in my life who finally told me to snap out of it and make a move (yeah, RYSMOM, I've been there, done that. But my capacity for suffering like that, thank God, was less than yours.)

After my sisters said all that to me, I just decided I had to fully show up for my life, and my kids...) So I got help! So...

WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR YOU TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE?
WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN INSIDE YOUR HEART FOR YOU TO BRAVELY MOVE FORWARD?
ISN'T BEING IN THIS PAIN FOR 4 YEARS, BAD ENOUGH & LONG ENOUGH?

You can make the changes you need. It is ALL up to you.

[rysmom]

I suffered from major depression and anxiety before h left. i am not looking for sympathy I am just telling it like it is. i feel responsible for h having A too, because i stopped sleeping with him the 6 mos. before. I am having a lot of trouble forgiving myself. I was sleeping in the spare room because i wasn't able to sleep because of peri menopause, and also h wanted to have the tv on when we were sleeping and it interrupted my sleep.
Also the bad therapist i was seeing for depression for 5 yrs from 2001-2006 suggested h and i separate to make our m better, we were only having minor disagreements about $ and doing more things together, and h was very hurt therapist said this but didnt talk about it, he would go and cry in his car, and went and met ow then. i listened to her like a fool and she ruined my m and my life.