I hear you. The "valid" thing for some people to claim is that by recalling those painful events, somehow reminding you of them reduces the chance of them happening again. Their concern can be valid in that the real objection SOME of the grudge holders have, is fear that they'll be hurt again. If you don't seem to take it seriously and lump some grievous injury with a list of small infractions, they might think you really don't get it, and therefore she's going to be hurt again...so you have to reassure.
That's only true if you never owned up to it though, and even then I'd argue they're wasting their lives with the list of grievances.
Maybe if one of those opportunities arises again, you can ask your w if she recalls you addressing it before and apologizing for it and thus, you might ask, what else can you do for her now? If you have changed, then that data is no longer relevant and you can't spend the rest of your life stuck in the past when the future is looking so much brighter.
If you wronged her, own that, admit it, apologize for it, tell her what you learned and would do differently and then say, "that's all I can do about that." If she wants to rehash it you have to stop that after it has been explored already. I mean, can you ask her if the thinks you have amnesia? If you recall the event and apologized and won't repeat that mistake, the only thing left is some physical torture or perhaps a scarlet letter on your forehead???? Geez, enough.
If your w thinks you are insincere, there's not much to do about that but be consistent with your changes, over time. Those are the ingredients to success but it's not a a guarantee.
Forgiveness is not about whether someone deserves it. It's about not being trapped by it. Half the time we feel pain abvout something long ago, and we hold onto it, but the "perpetrator" doesn't even know it. They moved on so we gain NOTHING by holding onto our grudges. IT's as if we have given so much power to them they didn't even want and we wallowed in pain that much longer than needed. Self inflicted.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
