W calls crying. She called to tell me she called into work tonight, just can't do it tonight. She works in the ER, and said it would be too tough to be in that environment. That she can't have a breakdown in front of her patients or co-workers.
Said it comes in waves (don't we know it).
She talked to me for a while. Kept saying how it wasn't fair. How if he would have made it just another 5 minutes, he would have made it inside work and he would have gotten treatment immediately. Everything just worked against him.
She was glad she had gotten to see him before he died.
I just let her go, offering little "I know" and "I understands" along the way. She needed to vent, and I was glad to let her vent to me.
Then unfortunately we dropped the call (I swear, 2 iphones have an almost 100% chance of dropping a call ).
I called right back, and the conversation took a turn. She started talking about her sister who is flying back into town tomorrow and all of her drama. Her oldest sister is a piece of work. I won't go into the details, but I just let her vent about this as well.
We decided to meet again this evening so I could pick up D. I told her she could keep her if she wanted, but we decided to stick with the normal schedule.
The end of the call turned more personal. She started thanking me for everything through this. Thanked me for the Mothers Day gift. Told me how proud she was of my changes and that "they don't go unnoticed." She talked about how happy she was of the things I have been doing with D. How important the father-daughter relationship is.
However, with all of this, she made a comment (can't remember the exact wording) that she was glad D will have a "happy" dad. Just the way she said it, it just came across as a validation that she is doing the right thing. Almost that because she left me, I have improved, and it will be good for D.
At one point, when we were talking about her dropping off D I thought it sounded like she was going to drop her off at the house. I asked if she would like to stay for a while. She said "no, let's just meet."
Overall, it was about a 20 minute call. I was glad she was comfortable venting with me. It was nice to hear her recognize my help and my changes. I just help but can't wish she would take it a step further. She just won't budge, and the truth is she likely never will.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
You might be right denver and you may be wrong. Take out of this some positives.
She noticed the changes in you. She is noticing lots of positve things about you. Just keep them up. Unfortunatlely, and whether we care to admit it or not. WE WANT THIS FIXED NOW! Or at least we want to know that they are working towards fixing it but thats not how this works is it.
It may not work out Country, we all know this as a possible outcome but all we can do at the end is say, I loved my wife, I stood for my marriage, but she didnt want it so I did all I could.
Im not sure how much solace that will be in the end, but it does count for something I think.
Keep your head up buddy. You are doing fine.
BTW, add to the mix all the emotions she is going through and that adds to the confusion.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Sorry country, I called you denver.. HOnest mistake considering all our sitchs are similar and John Denver was a country singer.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
The end of the call turned more personal. She started thanking me for everything through this. Thanked me for the Mothers Day gift. Told me how proud she was of my changes and that "they don't go unnoticed." She talked about how happy she was of the things I have been doing with D. How important the father-daughter relationship is.
However, with all of this, she made a comment (can't remember the exact wording) that she was glad D will have a "happy" dad. Just the way she said it, it just came across as a validation that she is doing the right thing. Almost that because she left me, I have improved, and it will be good for D.
At one point, when we were talking about her dropping off D I thought it sounded like she was going to drop her off at the house. I asked if she would like to stay for a while. She said "no, let's just meet."
Overall, it was about a 20 minute call. I was glad she was comfortable venting with me. It was nice to hear her recognize my help and my changes. I just help but can't wish she would take it a step further. She just won't budge, and the truth is she likely never will.
CS, I have heard something very similar to this from my W. My W's exact words were, "out of all of this, it is good that the kids have their dad back". Really?
I think there are several things that have to play out here. In no particular order:
-The W has to see that the changes are permanent.
-They have to come to terms and take responsibility for their part in the breakdown of the M.
-At some point the WAS has to see the grass isn't greener on the other side.
I feel the same way as you on taking it a step further and if my W will ever want to work on the R/M.
The only thing we can do is be patient until we have no more to give.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
It sounds like she is taking notice Country. That is all that you can hope for or expect from her right now. It definitely shows a baby step in the right direction IMO. Patience, time and consistency.
Hang in there.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I feel myself crawling out of the funk. Focusing on the negatives is a terrible way to live, I did it for many years.
Just thinking, she could have just texted me. “Hey, not going to work tonight, I’ll meet you at X:XX to drop off D.” But she didn’t. She called. And she vented. She wanted to talk. To ME.
I’ll take it for now. I have time. I plan to use it as well as I can…
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I did a little something. W mentioned recently how she missed the dog. So, I stopped by the house real quick and brought her with me.
It was a success. W was very happy and thanked me many times.
Of course, a WAW can't stop there, they need to make sure they get one quick stab in the heart in. She said "hopefully I have a place with a yard soon so she can come visit."
Oh well.... I was in a better place this afternoon so I can shrug it off.
Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do right?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Thats right Country, she may be testing you when she says things like that and almost baiting you. Despite all the turmoil in her life right now, she is still the WAS and has all the senitments that goes along with that dubious title.
You r doing great country.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
).