While it is true that will be the case (she will wonder WTF?? and to some degree she is already when you don't pay attention), that is NOT the reason to stay away. It is a side benefit only and may or may not happen. Don't count on seeing it happen Tad.
When you go dark, do it for you and your sanity. Things will look very different when you do.
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But is it normal to try to "figure this crap out?" I know I can't and I shouldn't even try, but I still try to find out why this crap is happening.
Yep. Very normal. Some refer to it as the post-mortem because you are examining the dead "body" of your previous relationship and things you thought you knew. It is very normal and doesn't end quickly enough
You are going through very normal feelings right now Tad. At least from what I can see. And you are doing so with surprising grace and dignity. I would guess this is a low point for you in your life to date. Since it was a surprise, it was a lot like standing next to an IED just before it exploded and left you dazed and confused lying in a bloody hole on the side of the road.
Can you imagine for a minute if you didn't care? Wouldn't that have sucked even more? To know that you wasted all those years and didn't have a feeling about it?
The accusations? They'll drive you bat-sht nutz. Trust me, going dark is for your benefit. She will think what she thinks regardless of what you say and can and will use what you say against you for the foreseeable future. She is looking for ways to help her justify her accusations. To back them up and make herself feel better about her choices. She is in a place where she wants to feel good again and can't except for short durations. She is looking for that next high all the time. Don't be the excuse nor the enabler. Tough love.
You are very much radioactive to her Tad. I'm repeating it to remind you.
Remember that you are the sane one. Believe it or not, you are going through the same stuff but you have the ability to be rational and sane right now and without the guilt.
There will be many more emotions Tad. Don't be afraid to feel them. To face them. To challenge them when they come. Learn to focus on the positives and to look for the facts vs. the feelings.
Things are and will continue to look different to you as you stop focusing on her and begin to focus more on you. A little more each day my friend. A little more each day.
A lot like rehab, eh? Fight Tad. Fight for your self and what you know to be true. Discard those things that are not and leave them on the side of the trail.
Learn and re-learn those things you thought you knew. Approach those things with an empty cup and a child-like curiousity. Not about your wife, but about you. About the people that are truly around you. Study Tad. Take the energy away from the negatives of your past and put them into your future. It truly is as simple as that.
How's the weather out there? Been outside today?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
