What the heck!,, just noticed my post didn't even finish.... Here's the rest of it tad,
Anyway he said he knew I was kidding. We walked upstairs and his phone rang. He wouldnt answer it. I asked him why. He stood up after a couple mins and said he wanted a divorce. I said what?....he started crying and said i love you but not in love with u crap. Didn't even want a trial separation. He said he was 80 per cent sure he wanted a divorce. Been unhappy for years. So NO I didn't have a clue. Xh told me a few days before that he could not imagine living his life without me and our son in it. Guess he changed his mind about me overnight huh.
You are still in the 'early hurting stage' and we all have been there. Wanting to talk to the person you always considered your very best friend, and finding they are no longer interested in anything you have to say. You are getting good advice here. I promise.
Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, your children, and your life. Go out and get one. The less you appear to notice the W, the more she will begin to wonder????what's up????
While it is true that will be the case (she will wonder WTF?? and to some degree she is already when you don't pay attention), that is NOT the reason to stay away. It is a side benefit only and may or may not happen. Don't count on seeing it happen Tad.
When you go dark, do it for you and your sanity. Things will look very different when you do.
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But is it normal to try to "figure this crap out?" I know I can't and I shouldn't even try, but I still try to find out why this crap is happening.
Yep. Very normal. Some refer to it as the post-mortem because you are examining the dead "body" of your previous relationship and things you thought you knew. It is very normal and doesn't end quickly enough
You are going through very normal feelings right now Tad. At least from what I can see. And you are doing so with surprising grace and dignity. I would guess this is a low point for you in your life to date. Since it was a surprise, it was a lot like standing next to an IED just before it exploded and left you dazed and confused lying in a bloody hole on the side of the road.
Can you imagine for a minute if you didn't care? Wouldn't that have sucked even more? To know that you wasted all those years and didn't have a feeling about it?
The accusations? They'll drive you bat-sht nutz. Trust me, going dark is for your benefit. She will think what she thinks regardless of what you say and can and will use what you say against you for the foreseeable future. She is looking for ways to help her justify her accusations. To back them up and make herself feel better about her choices. She is in a place where she wants to feel good again and can't except for short durations. She is looking for that next high all the time. Don't be the excuse nor the enabler. Tough love.
You are very much radioactive to her Tad. I'm repeating it to remind you.
Remember that you are the sane one. Believe it or not, you are going through the same stuff but you have the ability to be rational and sane right now and without the guilt.
There will be many more emotions Tad. Don't be afraid to feel them. To face them. To challenge them when they come. Learn to focus on the positives and to look for the facts vs. the feelings.
Things are and will continue to look different to you as you stop focusing on her and begin to focus more on you. A little more each day my friend. A little more each day.
A lot like rehab, eh? Fight Tad. Fight for your self and what you know to be true. Discard those things that are not and leave them on the side of the trail.
Learn and re-learn those things you thought you knew. Approach those things with an empty cup and a child-like curiousity. Not about your wife, but about you. About the people that are truly around you. Study Tad. Take the energy away from the negatives of your past and put them into your future. It truly is as simple as that.
How's the weather out there? Been outside today?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yes, AJ. I have been outside. Took a short walk earlier. Weather is nice here. It's about 90 today and not a cloud in the sky.
I have a question about this crap though. Does it usually happen this fast? Below are some posting she made on FB right before hell began.
Post to me June 20 Happy Father's Day! Thanks for being such a great father to our children! We are blessed to have you in our lives.
Post on wall June 21 My husband and I will be celebrating our 25th Wedding Anniversary in a couple of months. We plan to renew our vows and need some sand from the Monterey Bay area (since we met at Seaside), so if any of my hometown friends could send me some, I would greatly appreciate it! We are going to unite it with Sonoran desert sand.
Post on wall June 27 Sometimes you have to just make decisions based on what's good for yourself, or so I've heard....
On June 29 she tells me that she doesn't want to renew our vows.
Wow.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
A month before my XH left for the OW, he got home on a Thursday night from work, went to Lowes, bought everything needed to build a 10 x 10 foot patio, brought it home, and spent that night, Friday night, and then entire weekend in 95 degree heat and humidity building a patio. FOR ME. To make it feel like we were on vacation EVERY DAY we sat there, as we put a fire table and chairs on it so we could have a fire under the stars. For the past 10 years, every vacation we took was out in the mountains of VA where we had a campfire. He busted his butt for 3 days plus making me this patio. I asked him why immediately and he said "to show you how much I love you." Then 3 weeks later, said on that patio in front of our friends, "let's renew our vows." I looked into his eyes. I believed every word.
Why would a man do that? Why would he build a patio for me? Because he already felt guilty I guess about his thoughts. It seems to be a common pattern that they say or do the nicest things right before the bomb. I think they are trying to convince themselves, just like they are doing now in claiming that THIS reality is what's best for them.
They are lost, Tad. Lost. There is no rational explanation.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Oh and incidentally it is a beautiful patio and I had it cleansed/blessed by a spiritual friend and put a greenwoman sculpture on the wall next to it to ward of negative energy. See I was calling it the "sorry, honey, I'm having an affair" patio and I needed to stop that and just call it "MY patio" (ha ha ;-)
The first time my XH left, a few days before, he attempted to begin a MAJOR reconstruction of our bathroom floor. I actually stopped him saying that he didn't have time to get into this before going back to school in the fall. Then 3 days later, he left me. Later he said that had I not stopped him and let him do his project he might have stuck around. I'm thinking he'd have gotten the floor up, seen the damage which I've since paid 3k to repair, and he STILL would have left--in fact probably would have felt MORE compelled to leave.
It's only so sudden because when they are falling apart they hide it so well for so long.
DO NOT start asking yourself "well how long did she hide it for then?" That is a worthless exercise in self-punishment. It's irrelevant. The only thing relevant is you getting through your day and getting stronger and more independent.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I'd have to guess that the reason so many MLCers make a grand gesture/speech showing their love only a short while before walking away, is that, as a result of depression, they feel dead inside. Desperately hoping to feel a sense of connection again, they make the gesture/declaration of love ... only to feel nothing. At this point, they assume it must be their spouse's fault. Intellectually, they want to get back those in-love feelings, but can't figure out how to go about it. So they end up making an emotional decision, unable to understand how their depression has perverted their emotions.
As Antonia says, they are lost, with no sense of where their internal moral/rational compass has gone.
Antonia, that's pretty amazing. Sounds pretty similar to my sitch.
Two weeks before she told me she wanted out she adopted two kittens and made plans to have new sprinklers installed.
Two weeks after W told me that she wanted to leave she planted flowers, started a garden and was making plans to get the house painted.
I've noticed that she really has a problem following through with things as well. (Something she always accused me of.)
Some examples:
My S18 had a concert on February 19th that she videotaped. She told him that she would send it to him the followiing Monday. He is still waiting on it. He's asked her about it several times.
S18's prom was a few weeks ago. She took pictures of him before he left and once again she told him that she would send the pictures the following Monday. He still doesn't have them. She swears that she sent them via email.
She was supposed to get a part time tutoring job. She missed out because she didn't follow through with the paperwork.
When she moved out, she told me that she would have homes for her dogs by the end of January. It is now May and they are still at my house.
She was always dependable. Not so much anymore....
Do you really think the MLCer is so miserable though? If W is really unhappy and hurting, she should be in Hollywood earning Academy Awards because she hides it so well.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Having experienced mild depression--which is NOTHING near what the MLCer feels--yes, it is misery. But the depressed person has no idea they're depressed--it feels as though you've always been that way, that it's other people/things that fail to give you any pleasure any more. The depressed person has no idea she's unhappy and hurting--she just thinks that if she finds new activities/friends/lover (etc), she'll feel fine again. So seeking the trappings of a new life makes her seem enthusiastic, but that won't last.
It's not surprising that your wife couldn't follow through on her promises or decisions. Depression seriously affects the ability to make choices, the energy to accomplish things, the memory, and the ability to really care about anything. Believe me, she is hurting, if only at a level that she can't express to herself yet, and worse is to come.
