Affair

[awest1217]

I just read bits of your sitch and just want to add a little to what others have already said.

My H had many EAs throughout our relationship (9 years dating and 3 of those years married with two separated), but when the PA happened I was devistated. I am not one to go off, but the cold part sounds a lot like me. Now my H never, even to this day, will admit to the A even with all the proof I lay out. I will tell you that you started things correctly by being honest. I tried for 18 months to reconcile with H, but he wouldn't have it, but I am going to give you my advice as a woman who has gone through this and what I would want.

First a question, why did OW contact W if the A was over? was she mad that you ended it? Did she want a clear conscience? It is good that W found out, but weird why OW.

I think you need to stay away from any R talk at all for a while. She is going to feel mad and angry for a long time, but at the same time, you need to not be pushy and tell her you love her and ask her to forgive you, but let your actions speak, not in overly large ways like big bouquets of flowers or anything like that because taht would be begging, but maybe by doing what you know is important to her and respecting her. If she needs the dishes done, do them. If she needs space like she did before, let her go and take care of the house while she is away.

Reassure her that this was a huge mistake that you won't make again by being completely transparent. Don't be on the phone when she is around unless it is necessary and she can hear what you are saying. I would say stay away from texting or being on the computer as she may find that suspicious. Let her know where you are going and when you plan to be home. Not in a huge checking in way, but more if you are going out and it is not normal or if you will be home late from work.

Make sure you do work on forgiving yourself. I know part of the problem with my H is that he didn't want to end the A and still hasn't, but also because he never forgave himself. He would tell me when I was trying to work on things that "I will never make you happy again so why bother" and other self-loathing things. In order for W to forgive you, you have to forgive yourself because she will blame you and lash out at you, and as you said honestly I don't blame her, but also she needs to do that to get the anger out. You have to have forgiven yourself to take what she is saying without going into self-pity mode. Nothing is more horrible (as others said about fear) is a husband who admittingly messed up to have self-pity. Forgive yourself so you can admit to your mistakes. Listen to W or have W tell everyone and understand it is her way of getting through the pain and to understand it is a punishment that will end with time, but don't go in your hole, especially with it being this fresh.

With W telling everyone, she is getting her support system. She also lost her best friend and partner, just like you say you missed her. She needs someone to talk to. I understand you do too, but she is the one who is hurt, and for right now you have to put her feelings (not all her wants) first. I know I needed to vent to people and on here so I didn't say things to H I would regret, although that did still happen at times. Find someone you can talk to as well. Someone who will stick up for you, but also tell you like it is. Someone who will see that you are truly sorry, but will also give you good advice as to how to woo your wife back and show her you are worth it.

Finally, DON'T MOVE OUT! I believe the moving out part is the worst in my opinion, others may disagree and I am ok with it. Unless this goes on for a really long time, right now don't move out. If she is upset and needs her space suggest a vacation for her, but don't do anything that is even semi-permanent because that will become permanent very quickly, and will only cause more pain.

I know it is long, but hopefully in the next few weeks after some C sessions it will get better.