I would suggest that when you call the counselor to make the appointment, that you actually ask to speak to the counselor on the phone, or have him/her call you back. Write a list of questions down that you Want to ask, like:
What are your views on marriage
Are you pro marriage
Do you thinknif one spouse wants a D that a M can be saved.
Ask about infidelity
Ask how many years of experience they have.
If they know how many M they have saved ( take it with a grain of salt)
Do they view D as a last resort/what do they think about D. These questions and many more will help you choose a C.
If you just pick one and make an appt, you don't know what you are going to get. From personal experience, I just chose a counselor. After the session, the counselor told my W and I we needed to separate, and in 6 weeksif things weren't better and my W hasn't mad a decision we should get a D. This is a true story, and it made my sitch much worse. Be picky, this is your life, your M, nobody elses.
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
Islander thanks great questions to ask. I am going to call my C thursday since that is her next office day. We had one who told us almost the same thing. But when my W wasnt in the room the C told me to start custody proceedings. When I wasnt in the room she told my wife the same thing. It seemed as if when we were getting along she would pick a fight between us. Probably trying to up her billing hours.
Ok, not much for religion or church going...but feel that I need something like that in my life right now. Something that might help me figure out why I did what I did. My W and children are catholic, I wasnt brought up in a church at all. Maybe thats the problem. My W goes to Mass alot and I tag along from time to time. Maybe I should do more than tag along? I dont know.....any thoughts?
Ok, not much for religion or church going...but feel that I need something like that in my life right now. Something that might help me figure out why I did what I did. My W and children are catholic, I wasnt brought up in a church at all. Maybe thats the problem. My W goes to Mass alot and I tag along from time to time. Maybe I should do more than tag along? I dont know.....any thoughts?
Very typical behavior on here. The old "return to/ finding religion" And you think WAS have a script.
I just read bits of your sitch and just want to add a little to what others have already said.
My H had many EAs throughout our relationship (9 years dating and 3 of those years married with two separated), but when the PA happened I was devistated. I am not one to go off, but the cold part sounds a lot like me. Now my H never, even to this day, will admit to the A even with all the proof I lay out. I will tell you that you started things correctly by being honest. I tried for 18 months to reconcile with H, but he wouldn't have it, but I am going to give you my advice as a woman who has gone through this and what I would want.
First a question, why did OW contact W if the A was over? was she mad that you ended it? Did she want a clear conscience? It is good that W found out, but weird why OW.
I think you need to stay away from any R talk at all for a while. She is going to feel mad and angry for a long time, but at the same time, you need to not be pushy and tell her you love her and ask her to forgive you, but let your actions speak, not in overly large ways like big bouquets of flowers or anything like that because taht would be begging, but maybe by doing what you know is important to her and respecting her. If she needs the dishes done, do them. If she needs space like she did before, let her go and take care of the house while she is away.
Reassure her that this was a huge mistake that you won't make again by being completely transparent. Don't be on the phone when she is around unless it is necessary and she can hear what you are saying. I would say stay away from texting or being on the computer as she may find that suspicious. Let her know where you are going and when you plan to be home. Not in a huge checking in way, but more if you are going out and it is not normal or if you will be home late from work.
Make sure you do work on forgiving yourself. I know part of the problem with my H is that he didn't want to end the A and still hasn't, but also because he never forgave himself. He would tell me when I was trying to work on things that "I will never make you happy again so why bother" and other self-loathing things. In order for W to forgive you, you have to forgive yourself because she will blame you and lash out at you, and as you said honestly I don't blame her, but also she needs to do that to get the anger out. You have to have forgiven yourself to take what she is saying without going into self-pity mode. Nothing is more horrible (as others said about fear) is a husband who admittingly messed up to have self-pity. Forgive yourself so you can admit to your mistakes. Listen to W or have W tell everyone and understand it is her way of getting through the pain and to understand it is a punishment that will end with time, but don't go in your hole, especially with it being this fresh.
With W telling everyone, she is getting her support system. She also lost her best friend and partner, just like you say you missed her. She needs someone to talk to. I understand you do too, but she is the one who is hurt, and for right now you have to put her feelings (not all her wants) first. I know I needed to vent to people and on here so I didn't say things to H I would regret, although that did still happen at times. Find someone you can talk to as well. Someone who will stick up for you, but also tell you like it is. Someone who will see that you are truly sorry, but will also give you good advice as to how to woo your wife back and show her you are worth it.
Finally, DON'T MOVE OUT! I believe the moving out part is the worst in my opinion, others may disagree and I am ok with it. Unless this goes on for a really long time, right now don't move out. If she is upset and needs her space suggest a vacation for her, but don't do anything that is even semi-permanent because that will become permanent very quickly, and will only cause more pain.
I know it is long, but hopefully in the next few weeks after some C sessions it will get better.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Thanks awest1217, I agree that she needs to work through this in her own way. I am trying to stand tall but honestly I feel a ganged up on when her friends are around. They dont say anything but man if looks could kill. I know I am more than deserving of all of this, still it [censored]. I havent really turned to any of my friends, not sure why. Most of my friends are hers as well and I am being shuned right now. (rightly so).....
If I am on the PC I try to position it so she can see the screen with out really looking hard to see it. When I do have to text I mention who I am texting and the subject, in a way that doesnt make it seem so obvious. I dont really achieve that but I work at why I am telling her who I am texting. Of course she has been texting alot and calling people and I havent even asked nor would I.
Not really sure why they OW contacted her, other than to get back at me. I had already stopped answering her text and emails before this happened and dont dare do it now. Not really important why she contacted W I guess.....but she did and now I have my mess to clean up. Hopefully the W allows me to clean it up. I dont want to move out but my wife is due some money from a family passing away which will give her some financial stability . I am afraid when that happens my days will be numbered in the house.
I hope to hear more from you awest, it good to get your view point on the matter since you have been there.
was a good night despite finding out the W has a job interview today that I didn't know about. I am happy for her, but scared also the new job pays a lot more money...which means she will be wanting to move out sooner.
Don't assume what W will do. You said in one of the first posts that her complaint before when you DBed was because she felt you were too controlling. Once again this is fresh so I doubt after finding out about the A that she went, filled out an ap, and got an interview. This was probably in the works before she found out. Be happy for her and give her reasons to not want to leave. Think of it this way, as you stay together, having more money will make her feel more accomplished and will give you both more.
Stop always thinking she is doing this to move out or to kick you out because it is self-loathing. The plan for the worst, but hope for the best is true, but this is still new and if you keep thinking and worrying about her about to kick you out, it will show and it could be your demise.
Be positive. Take your beating, but don't think that everything she does is to kick you out. It might be, but worrying about it is not going to help any.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Oh I am willing to take a beating....I know I have beat myself up enough over it. You are correct about the self loathing. I really hate myself.
Hoping for a positive trip to the MC tomorrow evening. Still nervous and apprehensive about it. Not that I dont know want to go but because she was so adpt to go with me. I am worried that she isnt going to use this as a way to heal out M, but as a way to prepare me for the D. Is this valid or am I just assuming again.
