I don't think there's anything wrong in looking into her behaviors for answers. It helps us gage what's going on in a more objective manner. That's what my job is all about. My students do behaviors that no one understands and it's my job to figure out why they do them and how to fix them. Observing and documenting the change is what keeps me focused and tells me if I'm doing the right intervention or not.
While I think you should continue to do things for you, for me, observing my H's behavior is something I do for me to keep me sane and give me a compass. If I just went about doing my thing without taking notice of him, I would never know if I'm inching towards my ultimate goal. Does it suck when I look at undesirable behaviors that I've probably heavily influenced? Yes, but at the same time, it helps me know where to correct the next time I encounter that situation.
It sounds like you're doing a great job. I would reframe your hopefulness. Be proud of how you are shaping this situation rather than hopeful that she is coming around. This helps you take back the control in this scenario. You've put in a lot of hard work and you should give yourself credit.
