Keep on getting on Counry. Who knows this might be the catalyst that jump starts her brain in the right direction. But dont put all your eggs in one basket.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Country, I'm not saying get your hopes up, but a traumatic event like this really puts things in perspective as long as the grief is dealt with in a healthy way.
Like 9 said, don't count your chickens (are the egg metaphors working for ya?), but this could bring you closer.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
You know guys, I'd be a liar if I said this hasn't crossed my mind. It also makes me feel kind of dirty though. IDK. Tough to describe.
I will say, my actions have been genuine, so I will not feel I have tried to manipulate the situation in any way.
I'll tell you, it has made me think. He was someone who possessed many of the qualities I am working on for myself. You should see the outpouring of condolences since his death. A full article in the local newspaper with full pages of comments from people in the community commenting on how he had affected their lives.
It goes to show you how doing the right thing does get noticed. It will be remembered.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
You know guys, I'd be a liar if I said this hasn't crossed my mind. It also makes me feel kind of dirty though. IDK. Tough to describe.
Of course thoughts about your M/R are going to cross your mind. This has been your main focus for months. That is still your ultimate goal, but you have put that aside to deal with a significant loss to your W. That says something about you CS.
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
One thing with all of this, I just can't stop thinking about her. Not just about us, just feeling for her. Regardless of how we end up, she will always be someone I care deeply about. I just can't imagine what she is going through, really wish I could be there to help her more....
I think this quote speaks more to where you are at right now. You are not only concerned for Mrs. CS as your wife, but as a human being no matter the outcome. I'd say you have dropped the rope and are in a good place right now.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Met my W this morning to drop off D. We have been meeting at a Starbucks that is between where her apartment is and our house. I was a little early so I went in and got us both a coffee.
She was there when I came out and she thanked me for the coffee. We talked for a bit. It was a somber conversation, but she opened up to me quite a bit. Mentioned how hard work was going to be for her tonight. Talked about her mom and how she is doing. She went into more detail about how her mom found her dad. Her mom had actually told me the story, but I didn’t say anything and just listened. She mentioned how she still feels numb, and is not trying to think about it. Mentioned how hard Saturday is going to be. I told her I planned to call her mom after some time. She told me her mom told her about my offer to come up and help with things, she said how nice it was. She brought up how she had no warning at all. Thought she had at least another 20 years with her dad. Reminded me to spend time with my dad. OK, I am rambling…
I gave D a big kiss, and then just mentioned one more time to W that if there is anything I can do, I’m here.
I did realize about half way through the conversation that I am always wearing my sunglasses when we meet. I took them off. We had some very good eye contact. She would look away at times, but the end, IDK, we just looked at each other for a second.
The next time we see each other should be at the service on Saturday. It will be a tough day.
I think I will send her a pic of D tonight. I have always waited for her to ask before sending one, but IDK, right now, for her, I just think it would be the right thing to do.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Just remembered one more thing that struck me this morning. W mentioned that she forgot to give back one of the photo albums that I had brought her last Friday. It was of our Europe trip. She said she looked through it and it was “fun.” She avoided pictures of us like the plague not too long ago…
As I write about this, it makes me think of a few things.
I am still trying to find answers and hope in the things she says and does.
In some ways, finding hope in what she says and does helps keep me going.
But what happens if I no longer see it? Am I dependant on searching for positives from HER in order to live for ME? If so, I will fail.
This whole ordeal has really set me back as far as detaching. I just can’t stop thinking about her. I guess I should be considering what happened, but it also hurts.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I don't think there's anything wrong in looking into her behaviors for answers. It helps us gage what's going on in a more objective manner. That's what my job is all about. My students do behaviors that no one understands and it's my job to figure out why they do them and how to fix them. Observing and documenting the change is what keeps me focused and tells me if I'm doing the right intervention or not.
While I think you should continue to do things for you, for me, observing my H's behavior is something I do for me to keep me sane and give me a compass. If I just went about doing my thing without taking notice of him, I would never know if I'm inching towards my ultimate goal. Does it suck when I look at undesirable behaviors that I've probably heavily influenced? Yes, but at the same time, it helps me know where to correct the next time I encounter that situation.
It sounds like you're doing a great job. I would reframe your hopefulness. Be proud of how you are shaping this situation rather than hopeful that she is coming around. This helps you take back the control in this scenario. You've put in a lot of hard work and you should give yourself credit.
Thank you both. I do see how it is important to try and gauge our S's behavior, if not, hard to we "know what works."
It is just also hard, feel like I had gotten her out of my mind a lot of the time, and now she is back in full force.
Just read the obituary for FIL. It was really well written. When mentioning his family, all the married people had (spouse) between their first and last names. No mention of me…
God it hurt…
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Just read the obituary for FIL. It was really well written. When mentioning his family, all the married people had (spouse) between their first and last names. No mention of me…
God it hurt…
Sometimes it's the little things like that that hurt the most. I made sure that my W's name was listed in my mom's obit, even though she was the one who left. I wish your ILs had done the same for you out of common courtesy.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
