Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[LearningPatience]

9, I have to say I've said *much* worse things to the wrong people. It's part of being human, screwing up and learning from our mistakes. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to learn and especially *forgive* yourself.

I think you salvaged something out of this. Hopefully you get a good night sleep, dust yourself off in the morning and get back on the DB horse!

[~ kd ~]

At WORST, I'd call it a backslide, 9. But I'll tell you... the recovery was awesome. Probably worth a picture.

You ARE good at this. Now back off a touch. Not because she may pull back, but because you DO need to get back to GAL. I'd say she's noticing... so keep doing what's been making her notice... making her curious...

Remember, she did forgive you in her own way for your faux pas. Accept that as truth and forgive yourself and move forward.

[2stepboogie]

9:

Ok so you had a backslide or put your foot in your mouth. What is DB anyways? What does it mean to you? For me it is the tool and support that help me work through my grief and sadness. It is a way of life and a tool belt you have to better handle situations in ALL aspects of your life.

I think overall you had a very good exchange with your W and you ended it on a positive note. I remember more about the last 15 min of a conversation when I hang up than I do the first 2 hours. If you end on positive note then you have done well. \

Loving your W does not require her to love you back, let me explain. You would like for her to love you back, certainly it is unnatural to love someone who is not showing it to you but to show love through kindness even when it is not being shown to you is a real testament of love.

Be decent, be kind, be gentle because you are. Do not allow your emotions to dictate your actions. I think overall you did a good job just remember there is no timetable and your role is to keep it light and fun because that is who are trying very hard to become.

I have told you before 9, I see a lot of good and positive in your sitch even if you don’t. Your W is very conflicted and anytime you offer kindness as oppose to anger you feed the confusion.

Keep up the good work buddy.

[ninelives]

i do appreciate the support but am so disappointed in myself. Especially for Sandi who i so want to show that I can be grown up about this and follow her great advice. I really want to and make efforts to and then things get away from me and then my cycle continues, I lament, swear I will change my behaviour and then do something stupid and wonder why Im in this state. Thats why I wonder if Im cut for Dbing or just one of the more stupid ones out there. Hows that working for me? Not well.

When my w says things like why dont you get a nice girl that is worthy of your saintly behaviour, she called herself a sinner. I told her that we are all sinners and make mistakes and that I dont want to punish you anymore. She said that is what I was all about and I said, Yes thats what I WAS all about. Im just trying to live my life is what i said to her.

And then she wonders why I stop at the hospital like im picking up some phsio girl. Why does that enter her mind?

What else is there to say now really?

9

[ninelives]

Nice reminder again 2step. Hope things are well for you. Showing love through kindness for myself not for an alterior motive is important. Being there and kind for my kids is important.

My youngest said that OM is nice and I should not let that tear me apart rather, I should be thankful that youngest son is happy or at peace and not dreading going to his mom's. I really NEED to grow up about these things and wish I was more spiritual to get some "outside " help. I have tried and growing up in a Greek orthadox background, we were church goeres but it didnt make much sense to me.

Thanks again board for continued support. Please dont give up on me, Im starting to really see the light.

9

[25yearsmlc]

your son has a point. What if this guy was an abusive drinker or psycho? Instead, he's kind to him...it could be much worse, and for many around here, it is.

You have let your emotions run your behavior so, how about doing that "where the head goes, the heart will follow" behavior from now on? At least try it. It's part of being an adult male. It's "manly" and attractive too.

good luck, I know this is much easier said than done.

[Denver_2010]

My youngest said that OM is nice and I should not let that tear me apart rather, I should be thankful that youngest son is happy or at peace and not dreading going to his mom's. I really NEED to grow up about these things

Hey 9. The advice 2step and 25 are giving you is the right advice for sure. I just want to tell you that I completely relate to these feelings. I go through the same thing when I hear that SS likes OM. Totally understand. But yes, you should try to be thankful that your son is not suffering through this. Keep the focus on you and your W, and just try to make sure that the kids are not put in the middle. That's the best that you can do.

Be the better man... better than OM, but more importantly, better than the old you.

BITS
Denver

[ninelives]

Yes , points well taken. Petty part of me wishe OM was just a jerk all around but I always want my son to be happy. He deserves to be . I LOVE my boys sooo much and got to put their feelings in the forefront .

UPDATE:

Went to grocery store after work and saw her van in Parking lot.
Curses, small town again. Went in , shopped very slowly hoping not to bump into her. Saw her and went to opposite aisle. I was joking with one of the ladies that works there, very kind woman and she was on her knees putting stuff away. I got down on my knees to talk to her and she had a big laugh about that.

Was in decent spirits. Guess my wife must have seen me because she came into my ailse and bumped into me with her cart in a playful gesture I guess.

M: What up?

W: What did you say to BIL, how did you know that I was having dinner with ( she didnt mention name) but made an implication

M: What are you talking about?

W: YOu know, how did you know, youngest son didnt tell you he sais.

M: I asked him if you and Mom enjoyed the fish and was it a good supper and he told me that it wasnt just you and him.

W: Oh, and you told BIL

M: Yes, and really, I dont think it was that big of a deal.

She just made a face

M: Anyway, I dont want to talk about this anymore, I made a mistake and want to put it behind me.

W: Okay,

M: Did you get my message today.

( I am the soccer coach and had to phone all the parents to tell them about the game today as it is just starting, i went down the list and when I got to my sons name, since my w has him, i called her house and got the answereing maching, I left the following message:

Hello, I just want to inform you that soccer begins tonight with
sons name at Low Island and that he should be there before 7pm.

Btw, my name is 9 and I will be his coach this year.

Basically I treated her like I would any other parent as a joke.

W: Yes, games at 7 right ( I guess she didnt see the humour in it but she often missed subtle jokes like that)

M: Yep

W: Whos on his team

M: List is in my car ( at that point the store manager talks to me about some small talk, actually cuts us off, kinda rude but she was oblivious)

Wife then just walks away and I do a u turn with my cart, I catch her looking back at me for a reaction but I just keep walking.

Got home, made suppper with oldest son and phone rings; Its BIL.

He asks me if Im allright after the tirade from his wife. I say im fine and that I was sorry if I caused him any trouble . He says NO PROBLEM, I dont care he says. I dont think she is living there right now and may have went to her moms house which is practically in his back yard.

We talk small talk and offers me some fish he caught. He is amazing at fishing and fishes almost every day.

I apologize again and he shows no irritation whatsoever. What do I care what she does he says.

I leave well enough alone.

I change, shower and get myself ready to coach practice. Put on nice clothes. She shows up late with son and we do the game and she is talking to a mutual friend. She doesnt come near me.

After the game, I run some drills as that is the format for this league. She watches. Now I am a PHYS ED teacher and a pretty good soccer player. I goof around with youngest son and they try and get the ball from me , he gets playfully frustrated and grabs my arm and swings me around but stiil cant get ball. I notice Wife watching and laughing.

I run some drills and bunch of other volunteer coaches are actually writing my drills down as I go through progessions. I have many faults but I am a good coach in a number of sports so this is my time to shine a little.

After practice is over, i go to my older beat up car, (DID Not bring my new car as to not rub her nose in it) and drive away.

I know she is watching all of this.

Feel pretty decent right now.

9

[♪CS♪]

Confidence. Composure. Humor.

All good things man.

[25yearsmlc]

All sounds good 9...but can you find another grocery store? Geez, how small is your town?? Detaching is going to be a challenge but you have to make it a priority. Way too much drama in that family. I would welcome some distance b/c it's easy to forget how crazy people are, when you're with them so much.

Keep up the good stuff. It's a turn on for a woman to see her kids playing lovingly with their dad. it just is.