For Many Worries

[InAPickle]

There came a time, when I realized that there was nothing I could do to reverse to tide of marital destruction and that W was bound and determined to be free of the M. I could have let the emotional toll propel me to "bittersville" or I could drag myself "outside" of the sitch, sorta like out of darkness and into sunlight.

I had two beautiful children to think about. They deserved none of this. They didn't deserve a broken home. It was going to be my decision and mine alone.

I had seen bittersville first hand personified in my MIL. She ditched her M while W was still in HS. Then like a fool signed papers relinquishing any legal claim to H's military retirement, which she had every right to. Her family history of depression didn't help and coupled with a dose of paranoia (everyone hates me) drove her to a very unhappy and unhealthy twilight. She now lives in a retirement community estranged from her only D.

I could have layed down the so-called "boundaries" regarding W's EA/PA, which is a violation that tore at my very soul (some of you can identify) but to throw the mother of my kids to the curb seemed rash, and intuition/instinct/fear said it was out of the question. Anger and bounderies and such also seemed at the time like a path to self righteousness and bittersville. I knew I contributed to the sitch; I knew I fvcked up. When I thought of my WAW, something inside me said, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Yes, even - fear - played a role in my journey, fear the children would blame me, because I couldn't reveal W's secrets, fear of econimic hardship for them and me, fear of a court battle and that I might be the one to lose the home and have to move away. All these things played havoc with my mind and emotions.

Advice from this board and my atty and many, many hours in the chapel helped dispel the fears. Then one day I did emerge in the sunlight, knowing full well that neither home nor away I had no control over W or her activities, thoughts or desires. I kinda just shrugged her off and slowley but surely she became just a live in nanny. Yes, I've got some huge brick walls built in front of me, but they've saved me from the cycle of emotional dependency: "If neither foes nor living friends can hurt you.." (Kipling)

If she ever comes out of her fog, will I be able to reconcile. It's gonna take long, long time for both of us; much damage has been done; much repair will be required. I sure don't want her the way she is. Actions speak very loudly and her's trumpet: no respect for me or marriage vows or the authority of our church; no hope of saving the M; no vision of a future with yours truly; only bucket lists and the single life.

Maybe ten years from now, we'll sit and have a cup of coffee together, and she'll admit the grass wasn't greener; who knows?

The question about DB'ing is not about seeing immediate results toward saving a floundering marriage. It's about healing: healing people and healing relationships. Every sitch is a different sitch; sometimes there are miracles, and sometimes there aren't. Like I said above: much damage requires much repair. You either have to keep plugging or you move on to something else. DB'ing in the end is your decision.