Yesterday I was out the door before W woke up and then in bed at night by the time W got home. Not a word between us the entire day; very difficult to take when we are both still living under 1 roof.
This morning as I am writing this I feel...nothing. If she stood in front of me this very minute and said she was filing for a D and moving out I think I would say, "The sooner the better." Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has hurt me so deeply on so may levels, and lied to me about her feelings since before we were married?
And yet, I also feel like I still need to do all I can to save this M. Somewhere inside the person my W has become is the person I fell in love with and married, and - despite what she has said - the person who fell in love with and married me. She has spent most of her life dealing with abandonment and emotional abuse issues stemming from her miserable parents' behavior. I know that at some point we have to stop blaming others for our issues, but she has never been able to do that; she still feels guilt, shame and resentment from her first M and subsequent D.
In view of that, I am sure she is wrestling with some very strong demons. If I have learned anything from this website, it is that I will not be any good to anyone - wife, kids, friends or future relationships - until I take care of myself.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
