B2BaD, Just some random thoughts and observations from my bleacher seat...I am fortunate in that my W and I have only adult step-children to deal with in our sitch, but since this is impending D#2 for me, I did have to take care of my 2 children through D#1. XW#1 and I made our kids' well-being our top priority, but they still had problems that only now - 10 years later - are finally fading away.
I don't mention that to scare you but to reassure you that you are on the right track by putting them first. The issues that you and your W have with each other need to disappear in front of the kids. It sounds like your W is hyper-sensitive to any comments or suggestions regarding her role as Mom, so take Grace_O's suggestion and let her feel like she can make decisions regarding the kids' welfare. If she falls on her face in taking on that responsibility you then have to decide if you A)let her continue to work through her issues without doing any damage to kids, or B)step in to assist for the good of the kids, and deal with her fallout as it comes.
On a lighter note...4 weeks after my W dropped the bomb I took a motorcycle safety course, got my license and bought a bike. Best mental health therapy ever. Riding is empowering on so many levels. Unless you think it's going to start WWIII, go out and get one now, hop on that bad boy and ride.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
