Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[ninelives]

W and i talk for awhile and she gets upset when I repeat myself for further clarification. And start throwing eff bombs. I remain calm throughout. She mentions that she is a sinner and should that I should move on and continue my saintly ways as she was never good enough for me. She is upset that I am in her business and she can do whatever she wants now. I agree with her and just ask her to be more considerate of sons feelings and maybe to think the whole thing through. She even sent the leftovers to my house today. That added insult to injury.

She started getting angry and I told her that I was not going to stay on the phone if she continued to get angry. We talked some more about it, I did apologize again. She said she couldnt believe I was trying to sabotoge her relationship with BIL and that they are getting along really well now. I asked her if she really believed they had a good relationship and she blew up .

I said, lets talk again when we are in a better frame of mind and that we should just call it a night and she hung up.

She then texted me again asking me to stay away from her family as I eff up her relationship with them. I said that they ( with the exception of her sister) have treated me like a member of the family and truth be told, they consider me more of a family memeber then her and have stood by me through all this. I told her that I would honor that wish although it will hurt me as all my family is 6 hours away and I stayed on this island for her and our family and so she could remain closer to her highly dysfunctional family.

She said' You know my sister is crazy, dont listen to her as she has pulled similar things in the past and always apologized for them later"

I asked her to call me back so we could discuss this better since we were cooling down.

She called me back and we chatted very well. Were nice to each other. Joked about a few things including the speed racer / motor bike thing we had going a little while back. She admitted to me that she didnt want to see me pass her. I told her that I had no intentions of passing her until there was a row of cars going 80km an hour( 3)

I said, when I passed them , what were your thoughts. She said she was going to catch me. Silly on both our parts.

She also admittted that when I was going to a meeting in the city and slowed down in front of the hospital, she thought I was picking up a phsiotherapist that is very pretty and athletic to go away with me for the night. I said, why would yo think that , she just wanted to change the subject but said that she didnt like that girl.

Im sorry im all over the place, I m still beating myself up for letting that slip out today with BIL.

We talked for a good half hour or more and she said she needed to get back to work. I said okey, and I will step back from your family and not be involved. She then did a 180 saying that I should not do that as I am part of the family and our kids only go to some of the functions cause I make them fun. That she was sorry she said that and only said it because she was mad.

We talked a little more, she then told me she quit her other job that she only has had for a two weeks. At an old folks home where it is too much pressure for her and she has too much responsiblity.

I told her that one thing that always bothered me in our marriage is that you never saw yourself as competent and capable of doing things. I asked her why she never believed me when I often told her that she was more than capable of doing whatever she set her mind to. She said that it wasnt that she didnt believe me, its how she felt about herself and still feels that way Very low self esteem.

I told her not to feel bad about it and maybe try and give it some more time if thats what she wants because she will be strapped finacially if she gives that up.

She said she has thought about it alot and I ddint push, i validated.

I also told her that Im not the teacher I once was and am having a little trouble focussing on my teaching. I told her about a site that I am on and that there are wonderful people that give me support about our sitch. Of course she asked what the site was and I laughed and told her I wouldnt tell her because she would creep it. She said she wouldnt and was just curious. I told her that i knew her better than that and she would definitely creep it. She laughed and agreed with me.

She totally softend on my faux paux and said she sometimes says things and regrets them. (Do you think) WE talked some more and I said, well I should let you go back to work, its better to end a convo this way rather than a hang up.

She said, for sure and I told her that you know someone cares when they hang up and call back. She agreed. She seemed reluctant to get off the phone and asked if she could call back later.

I said , sure if you want. I talked to my brothr for about an hour on the phone, dont know if she tried to call.

What a cluster eff this was tonight. Like I said, dont think Im cut out for DBing. Really made a mess of it today.

I should really just move on for real and if she comes back, then cross that bridge IFFFFFFFFFF it ever happens.

I think i need help with my emotions and keeping them in check.

9