wife having affair - please help

[25yearsmlc]

The DB coach is going to be a great asset for you. Anything I say that isn't in alignment, ignore!. But I bet she'll say that your w needs to know you are a new and improved version of you. Details below.

I'm sorry the outing of the OM went as badly as it did. It's one reason I advise against involving 3rd parties at all. I do not tell people to cover for the affair or to lie, but I just never saw outing to third parties, as helpful. I think it always backfires and worsens things. Oh sure, there are LBSers who CLAIM that outing was a good thing, but they're rarely reunited with their spouses so...so, you have to wonder why they still advise that way. They are usually self righteous and angry. And of course we can see why!! But DBing is not about getting even, "scoring a point", "teaching a lesson"...it's about doing what works.

Anyhow, She justified leaving you or she would not have done it. So in her eyes, you either pushed her into OM's arms, or, alternatively, you neglected her and "it just happened." That does NOT mean she doesn't have mixed feelings or 2nd thoughts. You want her to have self doubt, and 2nd thoughts and at those moments, you want her to look your way and wonder if maybe, maybe you could change...So I ask you, what will she see when she looks your way? Are you going to an angry man with a score card? Will your arms be crossed, figuratively and literally? Or will you welcome her with open arms and acceptance...?

Did you understand my comment about that "parental voice"?

My DB coach said that when we use our parental voice we shut down their inner voice.

WAS's have Inner voices questioning their decisions. WAW who are mothers are going to have inner voices that nag at her about what she's doing, and what she is teaching her daughters about marriage, and commitment, and vows and men...Thing is, we hope she doesn't look at this choice as a good teaching point for what to look for in a R, (ie the OM)

The bad news is, no offense, but you do have some flaws that would erode any marriage. The good news and it IS good news, is that you can do something about these flaws and change the equation. So again, when she has those moments when she's not so sure of her choices, you want to control what she sees in you.

Why did she fall in love with you originally? What were you like when you were dating? Can we get back to THAT man?

Also, Have you read the book "the Five Love Languages" by Chapman? It's great. I highly recommend it...very highly.

Anyhow, when we use our parental voice we shut down their inner voice. Some examples of questions that are "parental" in nature, are those that start with "WHY DID YOU...x??" or "HOW CAN YOU DO/SAY...x or y"???

Those questions are NOT questions really seeking information. More like "How can you be so selfish?" I mean, those questions are designed to put the recipient on the defensive, which does NOT help communications.
And they force her to keep defending her choices, and it unites her with OM. Like the outing, you would be reinforcing her position with OM. We don't want that.

You said you have trouble with emotional communications so put a note to self, "avoid questions starting with the words..."why or how", in an emotional situation. (Obviously I'm talking about relationship communicating, which is going to be a delicate matter for you.)

Once you learn what your w's love language is, you may find it necessary to work harder on your verbal communications. Just Note that you have
to contrast those negative images she has, with positives, or at least add no more fuel to her negatives. Unfortunately you have to do some overcoming now...due to the outing, which did in fact unite them.
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It's hard to do this with No contact. You did the no contact, I think, b/c it was easier for you than dealing with her, right? You feared getting to angry?

But How will she know of your changes? She has to believe that marriage to you now, or someday, can be better than it was before. You have to discuss things about the girls, so why not use that as a spring board for bonding, finding common ground?

Have you taken responsibility and or apologized for any of the mistakes you made, or pain you inflicted on her? I know you feel you are the aggrieved party, but NEWSFLASH...she sees herself as the aggrieved party, not you. I am not defending her affair. I'm trying to help you save your m.

What a 180 it would be for you to apologize for being too controlling or critical. Imagine how you'd steal her thunder then...but, if apologizing is just too much for you at the moment, You can say something like "Yes, If I had it to do over, I'd do a lot of things differently." That's a true statement and it suggests changes in you are happening. It's not grovelling to say that.

Here's what my DB coach told me and some of it applies to you. (But you have to choose what applies to you).

1) Help her feel safe to be around you, as in, she's not going to be verbally attacked or condemned every time she drops the kids off.

2) Lose the anger in front of her. It does NOT matter if you think you are "right". Do you want to be "right" or happy?

3) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives she does, meaning compliment her for any and all gestures or acts of kindness or being on time or calling when she said, etc. This is also a 180 for you if you were usually critical. (Yes, I know this is hard. It can be Mother Teresa hard, at times. Trust me, I know...).

4) Do at least 2 180's...and GAL. Your GALs sound good. I think the yoga and the working out are both great for your emotional/physical wellness. Other activities that get you to meet new people and not have any reminders of the old life, or what you are missing are smart and healthy....plus your girls will see you in a new way too. That's not bad. They will say things to your w about your GAL too. Count on it. So be mindful of what you say and do around your girls...it's a good thing.

5) No monitoring for results for several weeks or months at least. Your changes will be noticed by your w SOONER than that. But she will not believe them for a long time, if ever. And she will surely not tell YOU that she's noticed them....So you have to be consistent over time, for her to believe in them.

And once she does believe you have changed, she'll probably say "too little too late" but that WILL NOT BE REAL...b/c down deep, every woman wishes the man who fathered her children, was also the man of her dreams. Who wouldn't?

She'll fear your changes are merely tactics to lull her into returning to a marriage that won't ever fulfill her, and she'll fear that you will hold the OM affair over her head the rest of her life, like the Sword of Damacles...and some of your past actions have suggested exactly that. For nearly every deep hurt you have felt in this situation, you have reacted. So that has to stop now. Do you believe you can ever forgive her? I ask this b/c if you cannot, you may as well save yourself time and energy and just end the m now...no long marriage has endured without forgiveness on both ends. Don't forget your role in this, and that she has had to forgive you for a lot too.

I know that some m's don't end up reconciling b/c the WAS believes the LBSer won't forgive, and often the WAS are correct. Some LBSers don't think the WAS will "earn back" the trust that was lost but they, the LBSer, fails to see that they don't know how to forgive, which is sad. And Some LBSers dont' want to forgive, and those marriages are doomed.

If you want this m to be saved, you will have to forgive her AND she will have to believe you will. This is a big obstacle to reconciliation. Ask yourself when you are going to speak or do something, how it will assist you in showing her this.

You have some work to do, for her to believe in the new you. You have to show her that the road home is paved and smooth. But how can you do this with no contact?

IMO, the "no contact" doesn't do anything EXCEPT keep you from "losing it" in front of her. If you think that you cannot be around her without losing your temper, then you are right to do the no contact...but at some stage, I'd say it's a good idea to start some limited interactions. You can structure them to be short brief interactions. Like the children's drop off...make sure you are upbeat, pleasant, and off to your new cool life interests....to get her to be comfortable and not seem like pursuit or pressure, you be the one to end the conversations, leave the drop off point first, etc. But interact, you must.

How about dressing "up" or differently, wearing new cologne, change or cover the gray in your hair, just LOOK DIFFERENT b/c it's an easy visible thing and it plants seeds of a new you, without hammering her over the head with the "look at me NOW==see how I've changed! Do NOT Expect comment from her and don't invite it. Be brief, not b/c you are rude, but b/c you are busy GAL.

The great news is that the new you is not an "act"; it is real, you "get it " now, you get that she felt uncherished by you. You understand you have some flaws that need repairing. You are working on those problems and a problem being worked on, is no longer a problem... by owning these flaws, you take the thunder out of her storm so then she's left with-- what? She'll be confused, saying "FD is no longer short tempered, and he's kinder, calmer, even keeled....he's not criticizing me! He's better than before, he's a great dad. The d's love being around him and he's NOT how he was when I chose OM...his 'big flaws' are not so big b/c he admits them and he's fixing them...I have no justification for leaving him b/c he has become all I ever wanted him to be, i.e., a man only a fool would leave...."

What you want to feel and project,is that you are happy and upbeat about YOUR FUTURE LIFE, and a bit sad & resigned to her decision... and the reason you are saddened for her, is NOT merely b/c of your loss, but HERS!! She'll be losing a man who "gets her", and she's losing the man you will have grown into, i.e., a great dad and great h, for her or for some OW. She will be losing a man who has learned to see her through God's eyes...

Losing THAT type of man, is indeed a big loss. Be a man only a fool would leave. It's going to take work and time on your end, and even more of that for her to believe in it. But it can be done.
I am rooting for you. You can do this. You are a smart man, with a lot of energy and I think good priorities. You've already learned a lot.