85 Days

[NEmoose43]

Well Denver, like I said, you and I seem to be cut from the same cloth my friend. I totally feel for you, as I'm sure you know after what I ended up doing last week. I can't fault you at all, I probably would have done the same thing. When your best friend stops being open with you about anything, I totally understand the need to get any kind of insight into what she's thinking.

Anyway, I do think that you answered a bunch of your own questions in your post though. Does it really change anything about what you're doing? Read 2Step and Cat and Jack's posts again and again...I know I'm going to do the same thing.

Prayin for you man, hope you're doing okay tonight.

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Moose

[Lotus]

Denver,

I think it was important for you to do what you did today. You don't live in a fantasy world, and you don't want to. So seeing all the things you saw today was helpful in describing the reality that you are dealing with.

Read Jack's story again, carefully. He did something that you are reluctant to do. He showed his wife that he was willing to live without her. It was a risk. But I don't think he did it as a risk. He did it because he believed that he would be fine without her. And he was willing to go it alone.

You are enabling your wife in her fantasy or vacation life. You are giving her money. You are bailing SS out at school. You are helping with his homework. You are there to support her so her new life doesn't turn into the same kind of difficult unpleasant daily drag that her old life did. Why?

I think SS is the real problem. She can't handle him. She's decided you can't handle him. For now, he is responding to OM. So he is a godsend. Until SS gives OM the same trouble he gives both of you, OM will look like that guy on the white horse she is waiting for.

Don't help her. Let her sink or swim in the new life.

[Denver_2010]

Jack - Thank you for sharing your story with me. Seriously... thank you.

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Denver

[Denver_2010]

I think SS is the real problem. She can't handle him. She's decided you can't handle him. For now, he is responding to OM. So he is a godsend. Until SS gives OM the same trouble he gives both of you, OM will look like that guy on the white horse she is waiting for.

Don't help her. Let her sink or swim in the new life.

To your last sentence - I think that it may come to this. Not yet. I need to give my W more time to see the consistent changes in me. And while she is still generally keeping distance from OM, which she is, this is what I believe that I need to do.

The first paragraph quoted above. You are somewhat correct. SS is a huge problem. And my W is having a very difficult time with the problem that he is creating for her. For her, I am an easy target for blame. I was never involved enough... I wasn't a good role model to show SS how to be respectful to W... etc., etc. What I don't agree on his that SS has responded to OM in any way that is very threatening to me. SS has only seen OM one time in the past 2 1/2 months. That was when W had OM over for dinner a week and a half ago. How OM is with SS isn't my biggest concern here. OM just represents a fantasy of a new beginning... or a new life for W... one that does not include all of the old, bad memories. M W's perception of how I was with SS prior to her leaving me IS my concern. As with everything else, I am competing against my old self here.

[Denver_2010]

Thankfully, W has told me she doesn't love OM, but really it doesn't matter as it doesn't change anything I need to do.

W has told me twice that she is NOT in love with OM. I believe that this is true. Otherwise, she would not be spending the majority of her time with me. The problem is that he is still there, lingering. And he represents the idea of something that is not stressful... not real life.

The question is whether or not W will let herself fall for this facade.

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Denver

[Denver_2010]

So what did you learn from it?

You hurt YOU.

I learned nothing from it. Only details of information that I already knew. Even though it hurt like a son of a b!tch, I feel that it is information that may be useful to me. Know your enemy.

But yes, I hurt myself... badly.

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Denver

[Denver_2010]

It's normal.

Thanks Cat. ;

Hopefully, you will be able to put the poem out of your mind.

It will be something that is going to haunt me for a while I'm afraid. My W will not know this though. Never.

Stop snooping. The next time you feel curious, go touch a hot burner on the stove and then go get your hand bandaged. It won't hurt as much.

Right now, you are in a position of your own making.

For that, my sympathy is low.

I don't blame you. I know that my hurt today was of my own doing. I guess that I just needed to know. It was the first time that I have done any snooping and it will be the last.

I thought your plan was to focus on Denver...

Did this fit into that plan at all?

Nope. Not at all.

Denver

[25yearsmlc]

Denver,

OUCH!!...but as bad as it made you feel, I didn't really get that. Seemed to me to be a farewell of sorts. And there's no indication SHE loves him...OTOH,

Of course your w is tempted to be in another world or life. Her SS is a handful and he's not going to get easier as he gets older and stronger and more hormonal. OMG I would dread that and I would be tempted to jump ship too. At some level she knows it's not you though, and btw, where is HIS dad?

It's almost hilarious that she thinks OM is 'great with ss"...really? Based on one evening?? Well good luck with that. (Hopefully they'll all go on a camping trip and if OM is still "great" with SS, pay him to babysit...)


As you get back to your "Denver focussed" plan, you will feel better and she'll see that your changes are real and lasting. This is just a backslide. So, how does the new improved Denver recover from those backslides, today?

[Starsky309]

but... W came to me back in February wanting to talk about the possibility of reconciliations!! I did never pressured her for that. In fact, SHE texted me, at that time, "I don't understand why you haven't tried to fix things... or even brought up a conversation about it, Denver" ... that text message was a few days before we first talked about reconciliation...

NOW 2 months later, the idea of real life is so difficult for her to contemplate that she falls for fantasy b.s. that OM throws at her?

I simply don't understand it. I don't.

Simple (but also MUCH easier to see when you're not in the middle of it, granted):

People tend to value what they don't have, more than what they do. And they tend to respond strongest to threat of loss.


Starsky

[Denver_2010]

but... W came to me back in February wanting to talk about the possibility of reconciliations!! I did never pressured her for that. In fact, SHE texted me, at that time, "I don't understand why you haven't tried to fix things... or even brought up a conversation about it, Denver" ... that text message was a few days before we first talked about reconciliation...

NOW 2 months later, the idea of real life is so difficult for her to contemplate that she falls for fantasy b.s. that OM throws at her?

I simply don't understand it. I don't.

Simple (but also MUCH easier to see when you're not in the middle of it, granted):

People tend to value what they don't have, more than what they do. And they tend to respond strongest to threat of loss.


Starsky

Yeah Starsky, that is a sad thing really. But it is true.

My W, however, cannot rely upon this idea that things will just 'sort themselves out'. It's like Lotus said, she is waiting for a bolt of lightening or some sort of magical sign that is going to help her decide what she wants to do with her life.

It just doesn't work like that. Life is making choices, decision... and working to make them as successful as possible.


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Denver