New and totally confused

[25yearsmlc]

Dear LFG,

You have an interesting, complicated situation. I want to boil it down to a couple things that hit chords in me.

You were a couple that fought a lot, now you aren't. It probably does frighten him to come home, b/c he assumes you two would resume your old negative habits. He may not know what to think or feel right now with what is going on with you two.

So you have to reassure him with ACTION, over time, that you are a different woman and therefore the 2 person marriage will be different too. It has to. You have to contrast the negative images/memories he has, with "new data" & positive images from you, that reveals the new you. Somehow he has to believe it can be better IN the new M, and not only in this semi-married limbo state. My DB coach suggested I "applaud loudly for the 1% of things he does that are positive". That's NOT easy to do at times. But it does help. Especially if he feels guilty, b/c I find that guilt often converts into anger at the person being wronged, ironically.

I read that after the birth of a 2nd child, couples report their lowest marital satisfaction levels. Geez that was SO true for us. Sleep deprivation matters. And a decreased sex life, decreased privacy and no alone time and very little socializing.

For about 3 years, my life was being m to H who was in med school and totally UNavailable most days/nights. I would get up early, (and hope that I had gotten 6 hours of sleep the night before) get dressed for work, then feeding and getting the little ones ready for the day, taking them to daycare, then going to my job and working a full day at a tough job, then getting them back from daycare, going home, doing dinner, cleaning the house and bathing the kids, putting them to bed, and having MAYBE having an hour of awake "free" time most weeknights. I could either work some more for my job, or watch something easy on TV, b/c I was exhausted or wash my hair, or make a phone call to a friend... my h always had work so talking with him in the week, just wasn't an option. I would pick a novel or paper to read and fall asleep within maybe 20 min...
So, been there, done that.
But It does get better, and in time he'll see that. But, will you two be m at that time?? A date night could still happen, correct? Even if you call it something else, (so it won't look like pursuit), it'd be nice to re-establish a R with him that is not solely kid focussed. Can you do that? Can you spend time with him and converse, but NOT about the kids? You need other things in common, and he needs to see those too.

You said that you don't use outside sitters and I understand why. But given the stakes, I must say that hiring some sitters now seems mandatory if you want to keep your m alive. It won't scar the kids to miss you one night a week, certainly not as much as having divorced parents will. Just do your best.

Have you done some 180s? What are they? Also, there are some mc's around who aren't as pro M, or solution based, as others. You can steer a good one that way even if they normally aren't. I told my mc that I wanted to stay m, (no, NOT "at all costs" but if possible, w/ dignity, self respect, etc) and my MC became almost like a DB coach. I also had a DB coach and the two of them together made a huge difference in my sitch.

I would have given us a 10% chance of remaining m, back in 06. But this summer it'll be 30 years so go figure.

I see hope in your situation. But you need an "action plan" based on 180s, solutions and goals that you can measure. For now, drop the R talk and don't assist in any efforts to divorce or "work out details" etc. Let HIM do all of that stuff, if he's interested....and I sense he isn't sure what he wants.'

It will help if you do some 180s and start looking your best and being upbeat around him, with a touch of mystery. I KNOW how hard it is at this time in your life. All I can say is "been there, done that."

As hard as it is now, You have some things going well for you already, like the ML going well is unusual, to say the least. Good for you! That's great! I don't think he's going to want to lose that closeness. And you are getting along better. Keep that up. Figure out why that is...You say he's conflict avoidant but even so, you are working details out without fighting and that's an improvement.

Lose the anger in front of him, or it'll fuel those negatives. (I know you have some things you want and need from him too, but for now, his uncertainty is the issue).The better you two get along, the harder it's going to be for him to keep justifying being gone. But yes, he'll have to see some downside to this living arrangement and I'm not sure he will if it remains this way indefinitely. For now, keep the road home paved and smooth.

It's possible that your old R should be over, and that you two can recreate a new happier and more loving M than before. That's really the big picture over all goal, right?

So come up with the 180's, and please, as hard as it is, do at least ONE GAL thing for you, b/c you have to somehow get your h to see you through a different set of eyes. You have to be more than the mother of his children...

Keep at it, and re-read the DR book (I think it's better than the first one IF you are already sure that you don't want a divorce, BC the first book contains a lot of anti-divorce info that may not be necessary to you now).

Good luck & keep on keeping on...