Well I have been working through what you said and have been adjusting my goals 1. GALing more 2. Keep gym going 3 -4 times week 3. Joined hiking club 4. show that I am calm in all communications with wife 5. do yoga class twice a week 6. attend parenting for seperation and daughters classes
The timelines I put in the other goals were merely guides to me, really saying nothing will happen fast in this process, especially considering the next point......
Outing the OM Well it sure had some impact, coz I got a letter from a lawyer today to back off. So I understand what you are saying to me about putting people in a difficult position. I wasnt going to do anymore after your last email. which I didnt. Hard to tell, but it probably has pulled them together more as it is representing both of them. Im sure he feels no guilt or shame as you say, just like my wife they seem angry that their fun is being tarnished by me.I mean who knows what goes on behind the scenes with them and his company. The thing I have learnt is dont assume anything, and certainly not how wife and om are acting/ thinking.
I hear you loud and clear with regard to thinking about OM.It is definately an ego thing for me and I did act in anger over him taking my family away. So no more of that. Calm and Cool from now on with no slip up I hope.
When it comes to my wife, I cant predict how she is thinking or will do as she a completely different person to the one I was married to.
No Contact I have only been doing this for a week, and really I am feeling better for it, as it is stressful dealing with my wife at the moment, and she is v good at hitting my buttons. I will continue with it some more, but will monitor. I have set up a dedicated landing page for my kids with messenger, photos etc. So my objective in a few weeks time is to send that to my wife and say it is a closed environment, has a shared calender so we can plan the kids time and the IM is dedicated to her and the girls. If she wants, then we can message one another and see if we can build from there.
So what am I doing about moi? Another good point 25.
- I am taking classes at night on being a father to girls. I am a good dad, but the more I learn the better - I do IC once a week - I am looking at a mens communication course as well. I think my emotion intelligence is low ( I can be very detached which is what my wife will say ). Again Im good at business communication, but lousy at family communications. So anyway this plays out it is good i do this,as definately my daughters will benefit.
I think the yoga is good just to balance my mind and stop thinking about it. My aim is to only think about this 10% of the time, within a month ( Im now where near that )
Money Yes we all have money, just that my wife is spending like a drunken sailor, so at some point I need to seperate it the accounts. Its about protecting family assets. I will do so without any fanfare.
Yes I will be get a DB coach as well.
Again 25 thank you so much, having a different perspective is great for me and I deeply appreciate your time
Why has all of this happened? I dont know as to my wife hasnt spoken about it to me at all. It was just that the marriage is over, please move out and I am travelling every week for the next two months..
We both had these exec jobs, I covered US, Europe and Asia, so we were always tired ( jetlagged ) and frankly jaded by it. We did well financially , but I looked at it all and said is this it? All we seem to do is have to work work work to pay for all this stuff that needs maintenance and not really enjoy as we are too busy paying for it.
Anyway about 12 months ago we said we would bail out of the rat race and move to the country side - to a place that is like Nappa Valley - a tourist wine growing region. Build a quieter life with the girls, spend time as a family, have some acreage and set up an organic business. Well we planned ( we are good at that ) we did site visits , got the girls involved ( who would look after the chickens, the horses etc ) and looked at property. In the meantime, we sold some of our investment houses, which was stressful to my wife. So by October 2010. we had the main house to sell and looked set to make the move in Feb. So as I would be handling the move / business set up, my wife urges me to resign my Big Fat Corporate Job ( Im no better than the OM ) and so Dec24 I quit the corporate life and green acres it was to be.....BUT Feb hits and wife says its all off, your out.
I think all the pressure of the big change, grinding business travel and responsibilities, her turning 40 in the midst of it, trying to be with her children more ( I know she felt guilt as to that as a mother ), just being tired, a stressed out husband who was judgemental and mean.... all too much, left her exposed. OM joins the company, he is a player, doesnt take long does it to see what happens.
Mothers day So we dont see each other now F2F for several weeks. So I got my girls a card ( they are only 6 and 8 ) they did it all up and they gave it to her. They went to a chinese retaurant the three of them. I didnt do anything from me as I dont want to be pursuing. Normally I do in better years ( This is not turning out to be a good year )
The Marriage It was good, we did a lot of things, we were close ( we lived overseas for a long time so we supported one another ) and we laughed a lot. We always agreed on the parenting approach with the kids, we shared same values as to family, committment etc. So a lot of happy memories, which until Feb she was the first to say. We were never stuck in a rut, as we had dynamic lives and always saw what we could do.
Heres what i think my wife would say is wrong with me ( plus my own analysis )
- controlling - bossy - I was more about the family than doing things with her 1 on 1 - sex life dropped off, we were tired - tempermental - tired, grumpy, curt - Doesnt respect what I have to say - makes mean, derogatory comments. - doesnt meet my needs - can be emotionally deteched. - very judgemental
Facingdivorce Me: 46 W: 40 D8 D6 Seperated feb 2011
