Digging Through Old Email

[AJM]

I personally believe that W got sucked into her way of thinking by all of her single friends. Everyone she works with has either never been married or is divorced. W has always been sucked in easily by people. If someone tells her something that she wants to hear, she'll buy into 100%.

Know what? You should get that hammer out for this one too.

Not to be too harsh Tad, but your wife did what she decided to do. Her choices regardless of "why". If she is like mine, you watched her try to come up with reasons to justify this as well. In my case, many times until she felt it could stick. Even if it didn't, she felt it could and that was enough.

My guess is that if you asked her about it over time, like I did to mine, you'd find many different and conflicting answers? Know why? Because that's not important, Tad. Why is not important in this case. That's thinking you do so you can find a way to fix it and get what you want.

You can't "fix" it Tad.

She will try to reconnect to many people over time. Really. It was her life too.

You were surprised Tad. Rest assured you had no way to see this coming unless you were a trained professional. Did your wife know something was wrong? Most likely. But that doesn't mean she knew what to do with that information or how to handle it.

She still doesn't know how to handle it by the looks of things, right?

I can't emphasize enough that she makes her own decisions, Tad.

The good news is this: You are working through things. Your feelings are very normal from where I sit. I have had the EXACT same feelings and sometimes still do. That's healthy Tad. You need to feel your emotions. You need to work through them without dwelling on them. You will not be very successful at working through your emotions until you can get some distance. I didn't believe that until I lived it.

Keep that hammer handy my friend. The more you are silent, the better. Let her be the one to wonder about you while you work on you. Focus on you and let her take care of herself. It's a catch-22 I konw, but if you do not work on you, you will not be ready for what may (or may not) come next.

I am dead serious when I say this Tad. Focus on you. There is nothing you broke and therefore is nothing you can fix with regards to your wife. You are broken however, and it is up to you to fix you and you alone. Take the focus off the things you cannot change and put them on the ones you can. You.

Be good to you my friend. Work on those positives. See them. The world is a great place and you are missing much of it right now as you start to heal. You are starting. I'm very encouraged by what I see even if you do not see it. I was exactly where you are and I came back to the boards to try and help people in situations similar to mine. Yours is so similar it's scary. Don't make the mistakes I made. Detach now and focus on you. Do it while it still matters (irony - see how ironic and counterintuitive that can be?)

You won't get answers for a very long time if ever. Most likely, if you are like many of the people on this board including me, the truth won't come out for a long time and slowly at that. By the time it does, you may not care. I know I no longer do and I know that some still do.

Why does not matter Tad. You are what matters. Your boys are what matters. Your wife's decisions are hers and hers alone. She will try to hurt you if you get close and you are radioactive to her. She is radioactive to you. Stay at a very safe distance and find the positives. Be that positive man your kids look up to. Be that positive man your kids tell their kids they wish they could be like. You are that man Tad. I see that in your writing and your descriptions.

Look for the positives in your life away from your relationship with your wife. You may look at this later and see it as a good thing Tad. You will certainly see it differently.

Take the focus away from those things you cannot change and put them on the things you can - YOU.

Did I repeat that enough?

AJ