Well I started another thread and I'm hoping I can get some serious help figuring out where to go at this point. My W and I are currently having no contact. Today was the first time I spoke to her in weeks. She has not been checking S5's homework, and he's doing poorly in school. The last time she failed to ensure his homework was complete the teacher sent a note home. I informed her that his work was not complete and asked her to check it. I explained that I understood things get hectic and sometimes things are overlooked. Her response... "You just can't leave me alone, stop lecturing me, move on!"
We have not spoken a word, not an email, nothing in over 3 weeks maybe longer idk. I wasn't discussing anything regarding us or R. I am legitimately concerned about son's progress. I had to say something or she would just continue to not check his homework which will affect him. I don't know what the heck to do sometimes.
Why does she interpret everything I say (even when it's clearly only about our kids) as me holding on to her... Not moving on as she says? Its like narcissistic behavior. I am GAL... motorcycle training going well... Should have my license Monday. Everything else going well. W still involved with the newest OM. I Currently don't know how to proceed at this point been pitch dark for a while... NOTHING!
I had to say something or she would just continue to not check his homework which will affect him.
Does she check his homework now? My guess is, she's going to do what she's going to do.
I used to tell my H things about D's in the spirit of "how do you think we should handle..." At first he responded some. Then at one point he told me he felt like I wanted him to solve everything "right now".
They may see what's happening and just not have the wherewithall to really deal with it.
Would she respond any better (do you think) if the note was given to her? If you've tried and it isn't any better that way, I'm at a loss. You can't make her check his homework. It sounds like she see's your "lecturing" as a controlling thing.
I get it. It's about your son and his academics, this should be seperate from anything between you and her. It isn't always and esp early on.
I have a D that has been in counseling for over a year for some pretty serious stuff. H hasn't asked me or her C about any of it in over 8 months. He does talk to D about it. Given the issues, I am surprised he hasn't at least talked to her C or Dr.
I can tell you that whenever I talked with him about things with D's, I could see the pain and the doors shut behind his eyes (imagine the doors at NORAD).
You kids are much younger and it's going to be a hard row to hoe if you can't at least parent in parallel.
Who knows why she interprets things as your holding on. Too often it feels like your damned if you do and damned if you don't. Have you considered talking with a child C about ways to help your son?
I think Grace is right on, as usual. Maybe ask her what she thinks should be done instead of you offereing suggestions, no matter how good the intent.
If she always felt like her opinion didnt matter, she will react in a negative way no matter what.
This is a tough sitch to be in for sure but the kids need to be at the forefront always.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I guess I could try that approach Grace and see where it leads. Obviously our kids and their well being is the top priority... More important than even reconciling... I can go either way on that at this point.
Well I couldn't help myself on Mother's Day, but I felt it was appropriate to acknowledge the woman who had 4 of my children. The kids each got a small gift for her... Nothing from me... Felt that was best. I did however send her a short email that said, "Just wanted to say Happy Mother's Day... Thank You ;)". Her response, "Thank you and your welcome. :)". Best communication we've had in a very long time. Just kid talk since. We'll see.
On lighter side... At doctor right now waiting for hand to numb up... NO Cancer... THANK YOU LORD! Getting surgery to have growth removed. Also passed my cycle test with flying colors... No have a valid cyle license... Next to get a bike... After divorce final.
From where I sit, you appear to be doing things great.
Of course that email to your W was risky. Fortunately it appears to have been taken well. But I'd say leave it at that. Even though her response appears positive, one cannot read minds so there is no way to know for sure that was her true reaction.
B2BaD, Just some random thoughts and observations from my bleacher seat...I am fortunate in that my W and I have only adult step-children to deal with in our sitch, but since this is impending D#2 for me, I did have to take care of my 2 children through D#1. XW#1 and I made our kids' well-being our top priority, but they still had problems that only now - 10 years later - are finally fading away.
I don't mention that to scare you but to reassure you that you are on the right track by putting them first. The issues that you and your W have with each other need to disappear in front of the kids. It sounds like your W is hyper-sensitive to any comments or suggestions regarding her role as Mom, so take Grace_O's suggestion and let her feel like she can make decisions regarding the kids' welfare. If she falls on her face in taking on that responsibility you then have to decide if you A)let her continue to work through her issues without doing any damage to kids, or B)step in to assist for the good of the kids, and deal with her fallout as it comes.
On a lighter note...4 weeks after my W dropped the bomb I took a motorcycle safety course, got my license and bought a bike. Best mental health therapy ever. Riding is empowering on so many levels. Unless you think it's going to start WWIII, go out and get one now, hop on that bad boy and ride.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
