Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[angel61]

I understand that what H is wanting is not a real M. He has finally verbalized it, and confirmed my intuition. The way I see it, there are two things that have made him decide to stay.

a. Our D's condition - her cutting, need for a stable family life
b. His religious beliefes (for a while he seemed to shelf them, but ultimately, he is slowly coming back, praying, telling me that he also cannot just break his vows)

But what do I do? He has told me he has decided to stay but that he still feels the same - in other words, nothing, for me. That he one day may just be able to accept the way things are between us - civil? cordial? friends?. He has not said that we should work on our M.

I did not accept what he said, only listened to it. I did agree though that we have a much better relationship right now. Thoughts of telling him that I wouldn't settle for less, or for just a friendly marriage, did enter my mind, but I am not ready to say those words.

The way I see it, our being together, and trying to work for a workable atmosphere at home may ultimately lead us back to a good R.

But I was just thinking it when I messed up!

The next morning after our talk, H caught me looking through his things. I made excsues, saying it was about the credit cards, our joint acount, yada, yada. He did not buy it. He was livid at me. And for good reason. My self -control had snapped. My demons got me again.

He said that this made him feel that he wanted a legal separation (just for the financial aspect). Because he needs his freedom and space and I could just never let him be. He again brought up his "I hate this life" dialogue. And then he said - don't worry, I will still be married to you for always, but I just don't want you to control my life....

I could have killed myself. The most terrible thing is to feel that you are gaining positives and then do something which at that time makes you feel that it is the straw that may just break this camels' back.

Imagine, we had such a nice mother's day, where he treated me with affection, mussed up my hair in the morning when he greeted me (this always used to be his affectionate manner with me), gave me a nice mothers day gift, took me out to lunch, and we even talked about more personal things like how we expressed our love for people without talking about ourselves.

I felt terrible the whole day. I almost wrote him an email, but good thing a friend at work stopped me. She said that he is just throwing a tantrum, although for good reson, and the bigger I make it, the more it will become real. So i followed her advice.

True enough, in the evening things had settled down. No mention of our fight, and he did seem sad though, but he talked to me, ate out of my plate, and thismorning, was really nice to me again.

So the saga continues.

I hear you all, I do have a lot of work on myself. But at least, not having that sword of D hanging over me makes me feel that I have time and space to work on it. I just have to make sure that my jealousy and feeling of resentment and mistrust at H does not derail me.