85 Days

[Denver_2010]

I'm having a very difficult day today. W texted me this morning to see if I could 'lend' her some money so that she doesn't overdraw her account. I asked her how much and told her that I would. She was on her way to a funeral and I was getting ready to leave town for work. I told her that I would come by her place on my way out of town and leave her a check.

When I got to her place I snooped. It is not the first time that I've had the opportunity, but it is the first time that I have succumb to the temptation.

There was nothing suggesting that OM is playing any more of a role in my situation than what W has admitted to me... no signs that he has been around or anything like that.

But in her room, I found a couple of cards and a poem that he has given her over the past few months.

One card was from Valentine's Day and the other was a sympathy card regarding her grandmother's death. And then there was the poem.

All of this was on a dresser in her room.

The cards were nothing much... the only thing about them that struck me were that they were signed, 'love, OM' and 'your's always and forever, OM'. I find it disturbing, but also somewhat childish that OM signs the cards that he gives W as if he has had some long R with her. At best, he was 'dating' W for 8 whole weeks. At best.

The poem was like a knife going through my heart. It described how his R with my W went from being friends, to talking on the phone for hours, to having dinner with her, to dancing in the kitchen, to kissing her... and finally to how she ended it with him.

The poem was left with something that must have had some significance bw he and W... it was otherwise insignificant.... and one of SS's toys. A note attached to it said, "sorry that I'm returning this, but it reminds me of you when I see it lying around my house." The poem was in an envelope taped to it.

I'm not sure when this stuff to my W, but I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that it was left at my W's house for her sometime over the past 3-4 weeks. I say this, bc this is when W began to pull back from me significantly.

It disgusts me that this person ever thought it was okay to act the way that he did, the way that my W did, that was described in the poem. There was nothing explicit or anything like that. But the way that it was written was as if this R was bw two single people who found love in a very romantic way... NOT the reality that my W was, is, married...

The poem was well written and was romantic. I will admit that. But the content, the meaning, his intentions... are all such facades... such a fantasy.

It crushes me that my W cannot see the reality of what OM represented... and still represents.

On my drive out of town, something W said in one of our 2 MC sessions struck me. MC asked her how the last few months have felt to her. W said that they felt "like a vacation from my life" ... "like I have been living someone else's life" ...

Those words that my W spoke THAT day are the reality of the situation... And unfortunately, this is the reality of most situations where there is an A occurring. An affair usually represents an escape from reality... or as my W put it, "a vacation" from life.

Finding this poem has crushed my spirit today... at least temporarily. Why? Bc of what it drove home with me and the reality of MY situation... I represent real life for W ... real life that includes stress, bills, debts, responsibilities, hard work.

OM represents a fantasy... a vacation.

OM is dirt poor according to W, I am 'much cuter' than OM according to W, I "feel like home" according to W ... but I represent a much harder road where my W has a choice of 2. That is the bottom line.

It is difficult to compete with this.

So this explains some comments that W has made in the past 2 weeks. Comments that in some ways keep me going, but in some ways cause me to wonder if I should continue on: "I need time to process my feelings",

"Things are not going to happen on your timeline Denver",

"You want things to go back to the way that they were Denver, and I'm not ready for that yet",

"I need you to be patient", ...

"Denver, do you think that it would be a good thing for me to move back into our house when I still have feelings for OM... I don't think that it would"

"I need time... things will SORT THEMSELVES OUT." I still don't know WTF THAT means????

THESE comments represent my W being confused about having to choose between REAL f'ing life and a fantasy world...

It is why W is suddenly reminding me of how bad I was during our R/M... and of the reasons as to why she left... and

I believe, it is why she seems to almost be trying to recapture the feelings of anger and resentment that gave her strength to leave me back in November... It is why she has been snippy with me, rude to me, etc. It is as if she is trying to sabotage any chance that we have of reconciliation.

but... W came to me back in February wanting to talk about the possibility of reconciliations!! I did never pressured her for that. In fact, SHE texted me, at that time, "I don't understand why you haven't tried to fix things... or even brought up a conversation about it, Denver" ... that text message was a few days before we first talked about reconciliation...

NOW 2 months later, the idea of real life is so difficult for her to contemplate that she falls for fantasy b.s. that OM throws at her?

I simply don't understand it. I don't.

I get why she left me in the first place. But I do NOT get this.

------

Between the incident last night involving issues with SS and my snooping this morning, I've gotten myself pretty low today friends. I had an emotional meltdown about all of this on my drive this morning. I'm so tired of the roller coaster... but aren't we all?

I know that what I found today is JUST INFORMATION... it does NOT change anything about my situation... I need to keep reminding myself of this.

Cat... anyone... can someone please remind me that the pullback that i am seeing from my W is normal and is not something that I should be panicking about. Because I am.

I am not a religious man, but a song that I have relied upon today...

"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, ..... "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0714IbwC3HA


This is all I can do.

BITS
Denver