85 Days

[cat04]

Many Worries,

I am going to agree with Grit. Where is your story?

I will also be curious to know what sort of "consequences" should be dealt to someone who had an affair?

I mean, we could be the kind of people who tell the world about our spouses infitelities, crap, why don't we just hang every skeleton in their closet out for the world to see...

Would that make us better? Would that make them want to come home to someone who is so bitter and miserable that we try to punish them?

They aren't children, but the also aren't God. They make mistakes just like every other human being on earth...

It is up to us to determine what sort of people WE are in how we choose to handle the hurt, anger, and disappointment that WE feel.

Personally, I don't want to be a bitter, vincidtive, vengful person...

Denver,

Your first post of the thread...

I am glad that you are gaining a perspective on the situation.

One that will hopefully allow you to deal with some of your anger...

The truth is, it appears that they choose the EASY road when they leave. We don't know what went through their minds leading up to that point. We don't know what they feel that they did to make things better. To them, they did try. They did do something. It might not have been what WE would try, it might not be what we eventually learn to do, but I don't think very many of them go off without any sort of thought whatsoever...

I also think you did ok with your wife. Not taking all of the responsibility for your SS's behavior.

My S, isn't always so respectful to me. He has learned to treat me, sometimes, in ways that he saw his father treat me.

My fault in that...is that I let him. I, could have done things differently, like I do now, that would had stopped that behavior from him.

Have a good day Denver.

[♪CS♪]

Like I said before, you're in a tough spot Denver. All this time with your W, but not quite piecing. It's a weird dynamic. Overall, you're doing well.

That I feel that I am competing with OM who supposedly is so great to SS

This deserves a 2x4 though. It's right in your rules Denver. DON'T BRING UP OM!

Her comment about OM afterwards is because YOU brought it up. Did you like it? Did it help?

Don't forget your goals.

[Many worries]

True, Denver

Let me explain.

I guess I didn't know you had to post your story in order for you to comment. I have read most everyone's sitch as this is an open forum. I will work on that. I will say I have written my story about 60 times, but I can never submit it because it's really tough and I need to be kind vague for personal reason which I can't get into.

I will.

Before I came here I read a lot of stuff about MWD and this site which is also why I'm hesitant to post. The most disturbing was at least one, if not more, of the mods make up stories to post in an effort to make the site seem more active.

Lastly, when I talk about "stand for your M," I mean is that it's not enough to say "I stand for my M." Standing for your M means really noting in my book, you can say it until the fairies stop farting fairy dust and it won't change anything. Actions, my friend actions.

There is an odd dichotomy with Dbing. One on hand we like to pound our chest and say we stand for marriage and we want to save our marriage. It's at the bottom of every page. But on the other hand, we acknowledge that we are really here to save ourselves. Those ideals aren't always compatible.

Funny though, many of the 'experts' here are people who couldn't save their Ms, even if they followed DB to a T. They try to rationalize the failure by saying "'Well I saved myself.'

Their advice is no more valid or worthless than mine. IMO

[Many worries]

Cat -DB seems to have a direct principles on affairs - i.e. tolerate them, do nothing, wait for them to fizzle on their own.

This is a form of emotional abuse, IMO

What if your S woke up every day and screamed at your for 20 minutes solid, in front of your kids. Told you how worthless you are, told you how ugly you are, swore, stomped ,etc (but didn't get physical) Would you tolerate that? Would you say 'Well I can't control another person, so I just have to wait it out.' Would you still believe "They make mistakes just like every other human being on earth." Would you say, the only thing I can do is chose how I handle the hurt, anger, resentment and disappointment caused by this yelling.

I hope you God you wouldn't but this is what affairs are to our Ms.

[Lotus]

You have my sympathies with an oppositional SS. My oldest was like that until he turned at least 22. Life in our house was completely unpleasant. And nothing but time made it better. Eventually, he grew up and became a decent person.

He says we weren't strict enough with him. But I still don't know how you can be strict with someone who willfully disobeys everything that you say. I remember times he would jump in and out of the car when I was trying to go somewhere. Or stand behind the car when I tried to pull out of the driveway. What could I have done, other than give up? I couldn't run down my own son.

All in all, I'd have to say, that my best advice is to force him to take his consequences. Do not rescue him at school, or with the police. It isn't likely to be either you or your wife who teaches him that he has to respect authority. it will be others. Get out of the way and let them do their jobs.

[LearningPatience]

Denver, I give you a lot of credit for 'putting up' with SS. My S14 is quite difficult and seems to be getting worse, and it's it's hard enough for *me* to be around him. W doesn't know how to deal with my S14 and doesn't seem to want to. She had mentioned more than once that she'd come back except for my kids... So many times I've wanted to tell my W that I put up with SD, now it's her turn

I guess I'm trying to say that you should be proud of yourself for sticking around and dealing with his behaviour like an adult rather than running from it. I wish you luck and especially patience!

[Denver_2010]

Denver, I give you a lot of credit for 'putting up' with SS. My S14 is quite difficult and seems to be getting worse, and it's it's hard enough for *me* to be around him. W doesn't know how to deal with my S14 and doesn't seem to want to. She had mentioned more than once that she'd come back except for my kids... So many times I've wanted to tell my W that I put up with SD, now it's her turn

I guess I'm trying to say that you should be proud of yourself for sticking around and dealing with his behaviour like an adult rather than running from it. I wish you luck and especially patience!

Thank you, Patience.

Denver

[Denver_2010]

You have my sympathies with an oppositional SS. My oldest was like that until he turned at least 22. Life in our house was completely unpleasant. And nothing but time made it better. Eventually, he grew up and became a decent person.

He says we weren't strict enough with him. But I still don't know how you can be strict with someone who willfully disobeys everything that you say. I remember times he would jump in and out of the car when I was trying to go somewhere. Or stand behind the car when I tried to pull out of the driveway. What could I have done, other than give up? I couldn't run down my own son.

All in all, I'd have to say, that my best advice is to force him to take his consequences. Do not rescue him at school, or with the police. It isn't likely to be either you or your wife who teaches him that he has to respect authority. it will be others. Get out of the way and let them do their jobs.

Thanks Lotus. But it is not up to me. The problem is, is that my W has always prevented me from being 100% involved in SS's discipline and/or the decisions regarding that. At the same time, I get blamed when I don't do enough. It really did become a 'no win' situation for me. Since my W left back in November, I've come to realize that W, SS and I definitely need family counseling... But we can't do that until W feels that we ARE a family. In the meantime, I guess she is going to continue to blame me for cr*p like last night. Very frustrating.

Denver

[Denver_2010]

Like I said before, you're in a tough spot Denver. All this time with your W, but not quite piecing. It's a weird dynamic. Overall, you're doing well.

That I feel that I am competing with OM who supposedly is so great to SS

This deserves a 2x4 though. It's right in your rules Denver. DON'T BRING UP OM!

Her comment about OM afterwards is because YOU brought it up. Did you like it? Did it help?

Don't forget your goals.

Absolutely right Country. I realized that I needed a 2x4 right after I brought OM up to W last night. It was an emotional moment and I let it get the better of me.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

One that will hopefully allow you to deal with some of your anger...

The truth is, it appears that they choose the EASY road when they leave. We don't know what went through their minds leading up to that point. We don't know what they feel that they did to make things better. To them, they did try. They did do something. It might not have been what WE would try, it might not be what we eventually learn to do, but I don't think very many of them go off without any sort of thought whatsoever...

Thanks Cat. Truth is, I wish that I could find the anger within me sometimes. It seems that it might make everything easier for me to deal with. I don't know.