OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[~ kd ~]

Quite the weekend, OMW. There it was, eh? The pull back.

One of the things that I have been told and to some degree expect (dare I say "hope"?) is that W would crash soon. Perhaps then W will take the time to work through the "hard stuff" (as opposed to facing reality). Reality is not (just) what we perceive, but what the individual perceives about themselves and the world around them. So our reality is much, much different than our W's reality.

So as I said, I'd hope that my W would crash so that she can face her reality and the reality of the position of our kids and what's "right" for them. The truth is, she may never crash.

Like your W, mine has her core support group. Her OM35 is part of that group. There is definitely an EA there, if not a PA. And that's neither here nor there, nothing I can do about that. But if she continues to be "enabled" by this group and keeps getting her emotions fed, she won't crash (or if she does, they will help her piece her life together in a way that suits them) and eventually that will simply become her new reality. It already is, but I'm talking about something that sticks and becomes permanent.

There's nothing we can do other than continuing to be the new us, GALing, etc. If any of that "better us" gets experienced by our Ws, it will be up to them to have feelings of doubt or denial (leaving us was "right") or have feelings of loss and desire (to have us back).

Keep on keeping on, OMW. You really are doing great!

[AJM80]

Agree, that group of friends and their track record is troubling. Just keep being the more attractive option snf hopefully MIL and other more reasonable people will help her through this too, once she realizes you are who you are keeping company with.

Wow - coincidence, they just said on the news that the US is aggressively trying to get to/talk to Bin Laden's wives....def because of who they've kept company with.

[sparks14]

In our discussion, we discovered the alcoholic analogy fits here, where an alcoholic must hit bottom before they will do anything about it and SMIL feels W is about to hit bottom. I did say there can be no effort at piecing until after that happens and W figures out how to take ownership of much of this, as I am trying to do now.

I have not heard of this analogy, but I like it. You have to let her make her choices and crash. It makes all the sense in the world. As protectors, we want to be there and pick them up after each little fall. It sounds like you have come to grips that she is on her own. That takes balls.

[OnMyWay]

I don't know about that, sparks, with regards to coming to grips and having balls. I think I'm just sick and tired of all this BS. I just don't care anymore. Life is better without this hanging over my head.

My only concern is my D. Unfortunately, that is also the one thing that keeps WAW coming around. There's got to be a better way to live.

[OnMyWay]

Nothing new to report. I've been as dark as possible. However, I'm getting a feeling things have been happening behind the scenes. What will pop up next? I have to admit, my curiosity is beginning to wonder.

Wednesday, I got invited to an office dinner for Friday night. W is now all about forcing herself into the middle of D's life will be around to pick her up from school. So, I tell her I'll be home later. She flies off the handle at how inconsiderate I am for not consulting with her first before making plans. I'm just figuring better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

However, I couldn't help but use the opportunity to push her buttons a little. I apologized for cutting into her ever-so-precious party-time her friends. She told me she has to study. Either way, point taken. I told her I'd just take D with me. She capitulated and said it wasn't a problem.

Yesterday, I decided to step it up a notch. When she came over, she told me she was getting a sitter to cover her parenting last night. I told her, "Great, see if she can cover for me tomorrow night."

She asked, "Are you going to go out after your dinner?"

"Yes, I am." It was the first time I actually saw pain in her, realization setting in, that I'm not sitting around waiting for her to figure it out. She physically removed herself from my presence and walked over to D's dresser and began to reflect under the guise of rearranging things.

I almost feel bad.

However, we sometimes have to sleep in the bed we make. I'm sure she fears I'm going to go out with the "OW," and I'm ok letting her think that.

Her F wants to talk to me this weekend. He had called me on Tues, but i couldn't talk, as W was there. Wonder what tidbits he'll have to offer. I only have the truth: I'm sick and tired of this sh!t.

[AJM80]

Her parents are really pushing hard in the background, huh? My mom said something helpful to me - she said, you don't want him to stay with you because his dad told him too, right? and my Dad said to me, You'd better believe that if push came to shove, they'll be on his side, no matter what they say about wanting the best for you and the kids. Be careful what you do and say to/with them, because he is blood.

Sounds like you're doing some good things, but also are a bit down/frustrated. I think that's a natural part of your situation and letting go. Do what you can to stay positive, get some sun, healthy food, etc. That will help shorten the low days.

[OnMyWay]

That very thought has crossed my mind, yes. No matter what, she'll always be FIL's little girl. I've been thinking about my convo with SMIL. I may call her back to see if W actually told her the things she said, or if it is just wishful thinking on her part.

W may be full of guilt, but that doesn't mean she wants to fix any of this. There's a big difference between being sorry and actually doing something about it.

[OnMyWay]

So, looks like I'm starting over from square one.

That mother's day fight we had and the ensuing week and a half of darkness put both of us in a bad place. Any and all work to move forward has flown out the window and I'm back to the beginning. This time, we are both teetering on the edge of hanging it up.

She's become more disinterested than ever before, is unwilling to "share" in the responsibility for our fight or bare of the blame. I guess that's the burden for being in this situation. This is taking a toll on her, me and our D. Not good.

No matter what I do, it's wrong. I go dark, I don't care. I make effort, I'm pushy. I'm made, she understand, but I'm bad for it.

Back to faking it till we're making it. Gotta be all smiles and happy-go-lucky. I swear, she can't stand any bit of negativity from anywhere, but boy, will she dish it out.

Time to cough up some cash for new coaching sessions, I think.

[Telemark]

W may be full of guilt, but that doesn't mean she wants to fix any of this. There's a big difference between being sorry and actually doing something about it.

Bingo. In the 3 months since our D-Day I've heard "I'm sorry" a lot, but she still continues to sink our marriage piece by piece. My non-DB self wants to say, "You're sorry? No; sorry means you have remorse and regret for what you have done and you will stop what you're doing." But I just nod my head and say, "I know."

[AJM80]

OMW - sounds like a good plan. Get some objective professional help. It seems like she is really struggling and sort of dragging you down too. Stay as positive as you can - maybe look forward and make some fun plans for memorial day and July 4th? Great times for summer get togethers and long weekend getaways.

Remember, she is watching for you to slip into old patterns/negative behaviors so she can justify leaving.