Well, I hope this works. I have replied a numbers of times and it hasn't posted. So, here goes.
For a little more background. When my wife and I met, we were opposites. She was a rocker girl and I was a budding professional. We were both in the art field, so that is what started the conversation. I think she was attracted to my stability and direction in life, and I was attracted to her outgoing and fun side. Well, we started dating, and a had a hiccup, a big one. She kissed and dated my best friend. We split and I was miserable. Came to be a short time later, she was also. So, we got back together and tried again.
Well, it worked and we ended up getting married a year later. When we got back from our honeymoon, we find out that her parents were divorcing. She was crushed. She ended up going to counseling for that, but now find out it was also to deal with me. I did go for a few visits with her (not knowing that) and felt cornered and quit (find out I never live that one down). Well, we move on and live our lives. I feel we are ok, but we don't really talk about having kids for a while - 6yrs. We finaly do try and it takes us a while. We have our son 8 yrs into the marriage and feel reborn.
Fast forward to today, she says she was holding on having a child because she didn't know where we were going. She eventually gives in because she was getting older. In the meantime, we are having arguments over the years, that she says piled on pain and anger. I never heard her and responded to her concerns. While I think we both did things that could have been better, never realized it was that dire. I viewed it that every couple has arguments and the stories I had actually sounded like what my friends went through with their marriages.
My WAW is very outgoing, and has a lot of friends from different parts of her life. While I know she needs an outlet, I do also miss her companionship and closeness with our family. My comments and "requests" have only made her go further away. My cautiousness with new adventures has also stifled her excitement for things. She views me as controlling, disrectfull, and closed to her ideas.
So, here I am, the last 6 months trying to change and make it work. I have been going to therapy, reading DB books, and seeking advice. I want it to work, but she does not recognize any changes as she is still living off of past experiences.
For the 180 technique, here are the things I have tried: 1. Stop calling / texting her 2. Acted more independant / tried to do my own social items 3. Focused on our son (which seems to upset her) 4. Don't ever ask about her nights out, I let bring it up 5. Try to just listen 6. Don't give her affection (as I don't want to smother her)
So, I struggle with these, as I almost think this is what she actually wants as she has moved on, but I am hoping they do some good. Please offer any other suggestions you may have.
