"I feel like giving up theres no hope, when i drop the rope H feels that i dont care and have abandoned him but when i do things for him it feels to me that he doesnt care as he is getting what he wants." This sounds very familiar. The thing about dropping the rope is that you have to really drop it. If you say you are letting go and you are emotionally hanging onto responsibility for his feelings then you haven’t let go. You should really examine why you are letting go and what the consequences are and whether you can live with those consequences. I know I’ve hurt my H’s feelings by walking away. It’s sad that it had to come to that. I worry that he’s going to go even further into isolation than he is now or maybe even do something drastic. In my case, I’m only helping make it possible for him to feel bad about himself and isolate himself further by staying; and he’s dragging me into the mire with him. Though I hope he’ll take the wakeup call and sort things out for himself, I’m not hopeful and I’m absolutely not responsible to how he reacts to my leaving the situation no matter how badly he takes it. I can only hope the best for him and steel myself for the worst. I also know how it feels to put energy and love into the R only to receive nothing in return. It’s very confusing and hurtful. I suppose it could be neglect, but it could be something as awful as manipulation. When I was reading through your report of the convos and texts, I was having a hard time keeping up. I don’t know exactly what words or tone you used in your convo with him, but it seemed like your intentions were right. I also noticed that you did a lot of mental gymnastics to understand his point of view and apologized for your own behavior. Of course, we’re not in his head here, but his words were attacking and hostile even as it was obvious you were apologizing and trying to tone down the level of the confrontation. JMHO, but you may want to cease R talk and avoid confrontations for the time being. That second may be difficult with your H, because from the outside looking in it seems like he’s spoiling for a fight and trying to set up scenarios where you are wrong and he is righteous. I strongly recommend you read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond” by Patricia Evans. It may well give you a reality check on what’s really going on in these convos with your H.
