Bumping my own thread here. I am really hoping for some thoughts on her actions. My previous post was a lot of work! Now that I am staying dark and essentially at LRT, I would like to understand how we got here.
You are going to drive yourself nuts trying to figure things out. My wife has done sooooo many odd behaviours including the I Love you and even said she was certain she wants to come back.
Look , I KNOW it hurts. It hurts a lot but IMHO, thers is no sense trying to make sense of it. I seriously doubt she knows what she is doing and is flying by the seat of her pants most of the time.
All she probably knows for sure is that she doesnt want you right now and may never feel that for you again. Or she might, there is ONLY ONE THING TO DO.
I know you cant help the way you feel inside, but you have to FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. I mean literally. You have to try and detach, Get on with your life like she is not coming back and IF she sees you in a different light as someone that she would feel love for again, then you cross that BRIDGE only when it is there.
The reason you dont read into her actions or words is because they are so convuluted, just like her.
GOOD LUCK
9
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I know 9. There are times over the least 1 1/2 years and 6 years overall that I thought I was going nuts. I have been faking it for the last 11 days - forcing myself to go dark. I will admit that my mood fluctuates a lot less when there is no contact.
Still....I poseted the list of events to see what others think, because I hate to see STBX as someone so evil she was just playing with my mind for fun.
Women change their minds. Feelings change moment by moment. It falls more into the confused category.
I think you are right - and I wish you had been posting on my thread a long time ago! I think she really is confused and conflicted. More on that in my next post.
I broke the darkness last night and called STBX regarding some financial issues and selling house/divorcing sooner than later.
Somehow, that turned into a 3 hour conversation and not all at my doing. I'm not sure the talk hindered or helped from a busting point of view. But, it was nice to get some things out in the open. I think she was as honest as possible with me.
The talk finally ended with me saying it is up to her when we speak next, since this took a lot out of both of us. Now, I guess it's back to dark again?
I've had a whole day to think about last nights 3 hour phone conversation with STBX. Although we basically agreed to stay with current plan of selling house and divorcing next July, one of the last things she said was "I (or we?) can't continue to live like this, something has to change".
I am trying to see that as a postive thing - in that the change could be in me/us. Yep....I never give up....even after 6 years.
I've been thinking a lot about the 3 hour talk with STBX. I don't think she is happy at all with her life as it is. Only a couple months ago she wanted to run away from everything and even now, says she is "stuck". I think somewhere in her heart and mind, she knows her life before was better in many ways. I know that our second life together, if we had one, could be an amazing one. We both have learned so much over the last year and a half.
So...bottom line....I am thinking about asking her to meet me to talk soon. I don't think waiting too long is a good idea. She just might make another poor decision that will make it tougher to consider my idea. I am thinking about asking her one more time to try to creat a new life together. Something so much better than we had before - based on mutual respect and understanding and a new level of honesty.
If I still get a "no", than it's definitely time to end all my efforts and start living a new life for me. I just can't do that when I think there is a possibility of saving us. At this point, I really think there is only one way to do that. Tell her to ____ or get off the pot - obviously not in those words.
I get your point on actions not words, but I think she is almost at her breaking point (maybe even breakdown) and I am afraid without me talking with her, she won't see all her options and will choose one that will do a lot of damage to her, us and our family.
What has worked is being her friend and not pushing or expecting anything in return. Every time I have backed off, she has come forward. But...has that really worked? It's been a year and a half of separation and in some ways she has never been more gone, and she has never been less happy or more confused - I think.
Honestly, I have not tried LRT full on. I managed to go dark for 10 days and then when I did contact regarding ending things now, it turned into a 3 hour conversation which ended with her agreeing that she would be ok with whatever I decide - but she knows I likely wouldn't decide to end it now.
On one hand, I think if I do go LRT full on, or even just stay 100% dark again, it will bring her to me. On the other hand, I think it could bring more of the same; limbo land. She can live day by day forever and just accept that's what life is. She isn't happy other than surface happy at times, but she can live like that now.
One of her last statements during that 3 hour talk, was "I (or we) can't keep living like this. Something has to change". But, what is her something? I have the gut feeling that we are at do or die time. So..what do I change?
I am considering going dark again until her bday on June 23rd and then calling to wish her a happy one and then speaking to her again before I go on vacation in early July.
I know we are at a crucial point and just don't want to blow it.
