Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[sandi2]

But I still stay a little dim right. I only respond and dont initiate contact correct?

Right! You don't contact her. Continue to do like you've been doing, but when she does talk to you....don't come across as the XH who has a bad attitude. That will be your test, I think, b/c you have every right to a bad attitude but if you've made up your mind to try to draw her back, then she's got to see that new man.......not the one she cheated on.

The other test for you will be wanting her to commit to the M, and she probably won't do that until much later down the road. I can't remember verbally telling my H that I would commit to the M again. It came in such tiny baby-steps! But, I've read people's threads that said the WAW did verbally commit.

I used to love it , just think it might be tough to stay in the flirty zone while she is with OM

This is your third test. And, this is what I meant when I suggested that you become the new OM in her life. That creep she's with now will eventually lose his attraction (whatever that was) and you will be shinning bright. But you have to get him out of your focus. He's the stumbling block.

but I guess I have no choice if I want her back.

Yep!

((hugs))

[ninelives]

Its so strange, now that I have decided this new strategy, or is that just a by product, but I feel lousy today and even wept on the way to school as I passed her house.

Im so busy these days and am having trouble keeping up with everything.

young son told me that OM was over for dinner enjoying the fish that he caught. For gods sake woman, where is the class in that.

She knows that he feels uncomfortabl when hes around but actually eats the fish he caught. I know BIL would be severly pissed if he knew that since Bil cleaned the fish and doesnt really like his SIL right now and despises the OM.

Another cross to bear, let it go.

I dont see any reason for me to contact her today or to even see her. i have my drum lesson tonight and will be taking my bike to get fixed there as well.

Im getting on with my life but somehow HAVE To stop focussing on what she is doing. Wish we didnt live in such a small town together.


BTW, thanks Sandi for claffirying further .

9

[islander]

9, remember let her contact you, then be light and friendly, unless it is about the kids. Do whatever you have to do not to think about OM. I can imagine how hard that is when you have to drive by her house. I don't even drive on the side of town that my W is living right now

[Many worries]

"Anybody want a peanut?"

[~ kd ~]

Hang in there, 9.

While I do not recommend it, especially not the way it happened for me, I will tell you that getting out of that small town has been quite helpful.

I'm not sure it's because I had planned this, just the change in scenery, or more. Things have already changed. Both in me, and in W, even with as little contact as I have had with her, and noticeable in her recent email.

One thing I've noticed is, as uncomfortable as it was to be in the same room as W as it had been in the past. Just being within the same small community meant there was always an opportunity to "sneak a peek", as it were. And truth is, it was not just me doing so. I'd noticed that W had certain moments of "curiosity" that led her to drive by my previous place. Even though it was the most natural route out of or into town. I realized that as over time, W would eventually make comments about how "the yard looked clean" or "it looked busy there". She was looking. She was curious. She was snooping...

And it wasn't just her. FIL would make mention to W about things he'd notice or hear. He lived only a couple blocks down from me. Then there was one of her enabling friends who had to drive past on her way into and out of town. Etc, etc...

Anyhow, point is, now that I'm not there, W makes comment on my dark. I'm no more dark now than I have been for the past three weeks. Only now that I'm not there... now W can only satisfy her curiosity by actually contacting me directly. Me... I'm no longer curious... but I also don't have much opportunity to allow for that curiosity.

In your sitch... you don't have that opportunity. Since the only thing you can do is control yourself, you'll have to find some way of distracting yourself from that behaviour.

Sorry... I don't have any suggestions right now...

[ninelives]

Maybe not cut out to DB after all. Major events happened today, that did not go well for my sitch and I am to blame for most of it.

I think I mentioned that on Monday, Youngest Son went fishing with BIL, they caught a whack of fish and BIL cleaned and gave to W. BIL hates OM with a passion and is only being nice to my W( his SIL) to appease his wife.

Son told me that W had OM over for dinner on MOnday and shared in his catch. I know BIL would have been upset to learn this.

I was upset about this because I dont want OM around my youngest son anyway as I believe it is too soon for that. I was being childish and hurt but the turn of events.

SIL and BIL were having marital problems over our Sitch and BIL would not even talk to my W earlier this year and actually wished her dead to his W ( my W's sister)

Since their mother died, BIL has softend his stance on my W to appease his wife as they were headed for Divorce themselves, she even left him for a few days back in Dec and lived with her mother. This is so convuluted. i hope you readers are following along.

My ex Sil came over and asked me to stop getting support from her H because it was affecting their relationship. I promised that i would not confide in him anymore although we are very tight and one of my best friends here despite our age difference.

He is 68 years old.

We were talking today and I did mention that OM had dinner with the fish son caught and BIL cleaned. I dont know why I did it or said it. I was hurt by it and felt that she should not have had him over for dinner on such a perosnel meal. I called my councilor and he agreed I made a mistake by saying that but it was a small error that should not have escalated to what it did.

When i got home from my drum lesson,SIL's car was in my driveway and i knew what was coming next. We have had a rocky relationship at times, I believe that she is nuts. So many examples I could point to over the years including her kicking my wife in the shns in a mall because her daughter found a playboy book of mine which was in a box of my personal things I stored at their house when I was 27 and didnt want to take with me to the mainland. I forgot book was there and it was in a box of my teaching things and tucked away. She called me a degenerate and said my w was crazy for dating me since I had that book. I could go on.

She asked me if I talke to her H about her sister and if I told him that OM had dinner with my W. I said I did , but it was in confidence, I didnt expect it to get back to you.

She said they were on the cusp of divorce because of me and that I want back on my promise not to tell him anything. I apologized and said i havent told him anything for months and that this slipped out because I was upset about the turn of events.

(PLEASE get out the 2x4's , I cannot believe that I did tell him that, he was out in his driveway, we chatted about other things and then I couldnt leave well enough alone, WHY 9, WHY?)

WEll she let me have it with both barrels. HOw I was such a lazy pr!ck and always demeaned her sister and how I was useless and why her sister ever married me in the first place. And it went on and on. She was pointing at me and swearing etc.

This was outside but it went on for what seemed an eternity till I finally had enough and started to respond. I guess I pointed at her too and she said, " What are you going to do , HIT ME"?

I could not believe she said that, I said " NO of course not"

I asked her to calm down but she would not. ( She was drunk btw, something she does a lot for the last few years)

The tirade went on and she called me selfish and that I should move on as my marriage was over and I cant even remember the rest but it was nasty.

I texted my wife when I got inside, ( she is working nights) and told her that her sister was here and that she shares similar views of me being useless, lazy etc.

W texts back saying that she has been doing a lot of thinking lately and sees that I was NEVER lazy or useless that she only said that when angry, which has been alot lately.

Then asks why her sister and I got into it and to leave her out of it.

I come clean with my role in this and tell her that I was sorry that I said that to BIL, that as soon as it came out of my mouth, i regretted it.

She was ofcourse upset with me and also with herself. She should have known better than to invite OM for dinner with the fish that son caught and BIL cleaned etc. But the finger pointing was more at me.

I will continue in a new post.

9

[25yearsmlc]

yi yi yi 9....

I won't hit you with a 2 x4 b/c something tells me YOU KNOW THIS!!

Instead, I'll point out two things. First, end any conversation (tirade) by walking away. You can say, "I'm sorry I involved your h. It won't happen again. But I won't be talked to like this anymore now. Good bye." And then you walk away. Period.

Second, although I'm not sure why you involved your ex w at all, I took her comments as a net positive...

So, back to the new plan...

And as far as your attitude around ex w and her family, you'll be so busy doing some NEW GAL activities, that meeting new people will be nice. (No reminders and no cross talk)

Here's what I put on my voicemail at the peak of my GAL...

"Hello, we're busy going to new, exciting places, meeting fascinating people and doing fun, interesting things...leave a message and we'll call you when we can!"

It eventually became my truth. You know, "fake it til you make it" does work.

Good luck

[ninelives]

W and i talk for awhile and she gets upset when I repeat myself for further clarification. And start throwing eff bombs. I remain calm throughout. She mentions that she is a sinner and should that I should move on and continue my saintly ways as she was never good enough for me. She is upset that I am in her business and she can do whatever she wants now. I agree with her and just ask her to be more considerate of sons feelings and maybe to think the whole thing through. She even sent the leftovers to my house today. That added insult to injury.

She started getting angry and I told her that I was not going to stay on the phone if she continued to get angry. We talked some more about it, I did apologize again. She said she couldnt believe I was trying to sabotoge her relationship with BIL and that they are getting along really well now. I asked her if she really believed they had a good relationship and she blew up .

I said, lets talk again when we are in a better frame of mind and that we should just call it a night and she hung up.

She then texted me again asking me to stay away from her family as I eff up her relationship with them. I said that they ( with the exception of her sister) have treated me like a member of the family and truth be told, they consider me more of a family memeber then her and have stood by me through all this. I told her that I would honor that wish although it will hurt me as all my family is 6 hours away and I stayed on this island for her and our family and so she could remain closer to her highly dysfunctional family.

She said' You know my sister is crazy, dont listen to her as she has pulled similar things in the past and always apologized for them later"

I asked her to call me back so we could discuss this better since we were cooling down.

She called me back and we chatted very well. Were nice to each other. Joked about a few things including the speed racer / motor bike thing we had going a little while back. She admitted to me that she didnt want to see me pass her. I told her that I had no intentions of passing her until there was a row of cars going 80km an hour( 3)

I said, when I passed them , what were your thoughts. She said she was going to catch me. Silly on both our parts.

She also admittted that when I was going to a meeting in the city and slowed down in front of the hospital, she thought I was picking up a phsiotherapist that is very pretty and athletic to go away with me for the night. I said, why would yo think that , she just wanted to change the subject but said that she didnt like that girl.

Im sorry im all over the place, I m still beating myself up for letting that slip out today with BIL.

We talked for a good half hour or more and she said she needed to get back to work. I said okey, and I will step back from your family and not be involved. She then did a 180 saying that I should not do that as I am part of the family and our kids only go to some of the functions cause I make them fun. That she was sorry she said that and only said it because she was mad.

We talked a little more, she then told me she quit her other job that she only has had for a two weeks. At an old folks home where it is too much pressure for her and she has too much responsiblity.

I told her that one thing that always bothered me in our marriage is that you never saw yourself as competent and capable of doing things. I asked her why she never believed me when I often told her that she was more than capable of doing whatever she set her mind to. She said that it wasnt that she didnt believe me, its how she felt about herself and still feels that way Very low self esteem.

I told her not to feel bad about it and maybe try and give it some more time if thats what she wants because she will be strapped finacially if she gives that up.

She said she has thought about it alot and I ddint push, i validated.

I also told her that Im not the teacher I once was and am having a little trouble focussing on my teaching. I told her about a site that I am on and that there are wonderful people that give me support about our sitch. Of course she asked what the site was and I laughed and told her I wouldnt tell her because she would creep it. She said she wouldnt and was just curious. I told her that i knew her better than that and she would definitely creep it. She laughed and agreed with me.

She totally softend on my faux paux and said she sometimes says things and regrets them. (Do you think) WE talked some more and I said, well I should let you go back to work, its better to end a convo this way rather than a hang up.

She said, for sure and I told her that you know someone cares when they hang up and call back. She agreed. She seemed reluctant to get off the phone and asked if she could call back later.

I said , sure if you want. I talked to my brothr for about an hour on the phone, dont know if she tried to call.

What a cluster eff this was tonight. Like I said, dont think Im cut out for DBing. Really made a mess of it today.

I should really just move on for real and if she comes back, then cross that bridge IFFFFFFFFFF it ever happens.

I think i need help with my emotions and keeping them in check.

9

[ninelives]

you know i missed alot of things that happened and were said tonight but i am too tired to correct. Its almost 3 am here and i work tomorrow morning.

Wonder if I can get my mouth wired shut. Might improve my teeth and help with so much more.

9

[islander]

I think you are being toooooooo hard on yourself by saying your not cut out fo db. Yousaid something you regretted to your BIL. Had an argument with your SIL. Had a good convo with your W.

We all say things to people that we regret when we are upset. I showed my neighbor the text my W sent me the other day when she asked how things were going with my W. I immediately regretted showing her, but I can't change that. I dint know if anything neg will come from it. My W knows our neighbor k ows a little bit about our sitch, but I don't share many details at all.

Anyway, I hink you did a good job db with your W, and it seems you had a positive interaction with her. I say...good job