Tryin to do what works

[NEmoose43]

I don't know why it's so tough in the mornings...

Days like today, where due to work schedules I wouldn't have seen W even if she was at the house, seem to bother me more than others and I can't figure out why.

Reread Denver's post again, and the main thing I take from it is that I need to calm down. I need to stop trying so hard and just live. I mean, W has already remarked several times on how much I've changed in the 2 months of this fiasco...but I know it will take longer than that to make her see that these changes have actually stuck. And it took that poster 5 months to get some degree of normalcy...I have a feeling it might take us longer. And I know a lot of you that I've been talking with here are even way past that. And I know that my sitch, while bad, is nowhere near as bad as so many others here. We still talk, a lot, and we're still doing things together.

So why can't I can't seem to find any semblance of patience? I'm honestly thinking about trying to get on meds of some kind to help with the anxiety...it's really getting that bad. There are times when my heart races so hard that it worries me. And the thing is, I know that W IS trying. She's coming to terms with a lot of stuff on her side of things like I've talked about, but I know that she's also trying to decide if she's strong enough to work on us. She's made it clear that spending 6 months trying to find the courage to possibly leave was not easy, and I shouldn't assume that she can just come back right away without also finding the strength to do that as well. I need to take solace in that.

I also know that OM may be a factor here, but I have decided that I am not going to bring that up at all right now as it solves nothing. If W is going to swear to me with tears in her eyes that there is nothing going on, I'm going to take her at her word and move past anything that may have happened. If we can eventually get to piecing, I know that I am going to have to set boundaries about it, but that is not something to dwell on now. I also know that I will have to have a sit down with OM at some point and try to talk this out since they will have to work together for at least another year. But not now, because that would end very badly for him if it happened right now.

Til then...detach, detach, detach. Not from the person, but from the R. Just wish it wasn't so damn painful. Really missing her today.