I’m such a mess right i feel i cant right for doing wrong
Last night i ended up verbally attcking H again as he puts it as soon as he gets in. I was trying to explain to him how i still feel uncomfortable with his actions as they still mirror his actions when he was contacting OW. Last night when H got in he came into the bedroom (i was half asleep) and took the laptop to the bathroom with him. I waited 10mins then after getting myself annoyed (i know, i know bad d3) i got up and asked what he was doing to which he replied what am i doing up.
This enraged into an arguement or more me vebally attacking H with my explanations and examples. H then went downstairs to sleep on sofa and i followed him and contuinued my ‘explanations/attacking’ until he pushed me out of the living room (again bad d3 very bad).
I went upstairs to bed and cried all night out of frustartion and anger and did not sleep at all. I sent H a text saying ‘sorry for tonight ddidnt mean to go off the way i did. I can see now that i’m ur biggest problem so i’m letting u go, u say this won’t sort ur problems but i am the problem’
So this morning whilst i’m still in bed too tired to get up and dressed for work Daughter jumps into my bed and we lay and watch cartoons.
H gets ready for work in bathroom (heard him getting ready) then he starts vacuming the hallway and stairs and tidy up the shoes and coats. This is strange for him as he never does this let alone so early in the morning.
As i get Daughter dressed he asks if i am dropping her off at nursery i say yes and ask why were u going to take her (thinking that he is being thoughtful) he replies no look at the time i couldnt take her in now or i’d be late but it doesnt look like ur taking her in, i ask what makes him think that and he replies because i’m still in bed whilst he is doing houeswork, i leave it at that. (just for the record this convo took place @ 8am i have until 10:30am to get into work, i now realise he might have presumed i would leave to go to work and drop off daughter the same time he leaves which is at 8:10am)
H leaves @ 8:10am after giving daughter cuddles and slams the front door, on his way into work and whilst i am getting dressed H texts ‘what the hell is wrong with u last night. Ur going on mad. Now ur saying i’m out with women when i finish work. I can see that u dont believe anything i say anymore. I’m trying but i’m not perfect. Look how ur going on. No way i’m going through last night again. No point living like this. I will just go’
Somtime later on my way into work i text back ‘i understand. Thank you for vacuming stairs and making my sandwich. Try and have a good day’
H texts ‘i don’t think u understand i’m not joking. Life has too much problems. I know i fckd up again, and ur still looking for answers but thats not the way to do it’
I reply ‘ur right i do need answers and this isnt the way to go about it. I also need security knowing where i stand u say ur trying but then say what r u trying for when were going no where for me this is confusing as i dont know where i stand are u trying to fix this M or are u trying to not fix it u just say trying but trying for what is what i am confused about. I understand and believe u when u say that u are not joking, i have never seen this situation as a joke, and ur not the nly one who fcks up again i’m not perfect either take last night as an example’
I hope i was validating his opinons i find it hard to that as i have never validated before so not really sure what i am doing and being in my confused and hazed state does not help either.
I really dont know which way to turn. I feel like giving up theres no hope, when i drop the rope H feels that i dont care and have abandoned him but when i do things for him it feels to me that he doesnt care as he is getting what he wants.
Right now i don’t want H to leave but i don’t want him to stay either i really believe that we need some time apart but H tells me that if he leaves he will never come back and i think i have that over my head.
I feel like going away for a few days if only i could afford to go. I have talked to my doctor and i have a counselling session booked for Thursday (we were ment to be going on a date on Thursday but with this current sitch i dont see that happening so booked counselling instaed so that i will be out of the house)
I have ordered self help books such as After the Affair, She needs Love He needs Respect and a body building book to try and motivate myself back to the gym. I’ve made plans to go drinking with my sister for Saturday don’t even know if H will still be home then.
This is all such a mess i feel the need to SCREAM!!!!! Again, help
