Positively moving forward

[mishka422]

It's not that you gave him a choice in the 7pm or 8pm issue, it's that you asked the question in the first place which just opened the door for him to back it up to 7pm, migraine or no migraine.

You aren't being "the bad guy" by standing up for your time and making H be a parent. If he wants the credit hence the CS break, then he has to man up and do his duty!

The more you give in the harder it's going to be for your son to adjust to staying with each of you a set amount of time.

Tell me this, how many times has your H given you extra time when you needed it because you had a headache, were busy, etc.?

Let me tell you a little story.....


My bff was divorced 10 years ago. Her H left her for OW and they divested themselves of their house, cars, etc. They have joint custody (50-50) however I can count on one hand how many times her xh has actually stuck to that. He brings them home when they are inconvenient for him because he has other plans, he is eternally bringing them home early because they want their mom or because it's too difficult for him to drive them here or there to their activities so my bff should do it....blah blah blah. She has put up with this "for the sake of the kids". She also has never once taken him back to court for more CS although the kids are now 15 and 16 years old and cost a HECK of a lot more than they did then, cost of living has skyrocketed, and his salary has doubled. He complains constantly that he pays SO MUCH in CS and tells the kids that "your mom is bleeding me dry" yet he buys new cars, new dirt bikes, boats, etc while she scrapes by trying to keep them clothed and fed on the tiny amount she gets.

She has allowed all of this to happen under the guise of it being better for the kids if she doesn't "make waves" and just gives in to him.

These little things that are happening now are setting you up for a similar fate in the future.

Please nip it in the bud right now before it snowballs into the situation my bff has ended up in. It happens so quickly and without you even realizing it. Your H is a master manipulator and does without any over action whatsoever.

I'm sincerely concerned for you. You have to watch your back!!! No one else is going to!!!

[BeingMe]

I somewhat agree with Mishka. Think about what message you are sending your son ... yes, that you'll always be there for him ... but, this is how men treat women? It's such a weird situation to be in. I do remember telling my H in the early days, that I feel as if I need to protect our children from him, who should be our protector. Not sure if your H is ready to hear that, or if you care to tell him this, but in a way, it's true on a certain level.

Mishka, your friend should be going to court now, and showing her teen kids that she is not a doormat.

[awest1217]

I hear you both. I really do. Now for our arrangement. I have full custody and because H only has S every other weekend for two nights (if that works out because lately we have had birthday parties and other things where S spends the night one night) H gets like $4 off each week. I am getting the max amount of child support I can get. Even if H never saw S, it is still the same amount. I make more money than H so I don't get too much and the amount I will be getting actually is $500 more a year than I am right now so all is good when it comes to child support. I am not getting taken advantage of there.

Now with the time, this is only the 2nd time in 5 months that S has had a meltdown and H brought him to me. I agree he has to learn to deal with H, but when S has been crying for an hour straight there has to be a point where he gets comforted for his sake as well as H's. I understand that I dealt with it and S made it through, but if this happens once in a while I don't see a huge deal, although I do hear you that I can't make a habit out of it. S was colicy as an infant and even as a toddler I have never been able to let him "cry it out" because he won't stop. I think crying for four to five hours at a time for the first 3 months made him immune to crying and wearing down. Not that S gets his way, but I will calm him down then tell him to do what is expected and he does.

For dropping off early, I need to stop asking and just clarify when H asks to have him longer, and say to him as he leaves with S. S will be home at X time tomorrow or Sunday, and leave it as that. If H asks for earlier say I am busy and I am sorry, but I can't because H rarely gives me more time. He did twice this year (first time in two years) take off of work for S. Once to stay home with him all day, and a half a day to take him to the doctor when I couldn't get a later appointment, but otherwise it is all me whether I am tired, sick, happy, etc.

Thanks for the good advice. I will continue to work on it.

On the D front, the property agreement will be sent out today and I found out that although H has S a little more than first expected, the child support is still the same amount so that is awesome! The paralegal said that probably by next week it will be already to sign (must go to H again and back to us before it can be signed) then we can move up the trial date, or not have one at all and it will be finalized. Today I am relieved, but I am sure another day I will be upset.

[awest1217]

Something very sad. In all my years dating H and being married to him we rarely gave each other our colds, but now that I see him for 5 minutes 4 times a month I catch everything. The three times he checked in on S this week he complained of being sick. On Thursday, I started with the same symptoms and now have exactly the same thing as H...only mine is worse because yesterday I was battling a low grade fever. S never got a really bad cough starting last saturday and is now almost gone. Ugh!

In other news, S got his first two wheeler (with training wheels). He had a fisher price tricycle that was way too small. He rides well and even survived his first fall.

Finally, the property settlement is written exactly how H and I discussed so now off to his L to be reviewed and signed and back to me to be signed. Then just waiting for it to be finalized.

[awest1217]

H's L has the property agreement and everything to be signed by H...all that is left is for H to sign, me to sign and hopefully the judge will waive the final hearing so we do have to go to court, which means if it is waived we might be done by the end of the month...

I am still battling this cold, although it is getting better. We have had a major cold spell, waking up to 30s again so S is getting a stuffy nose as well. I hope he doesn't slide backwards.

This weekend we have a Mother's Day breakfast Saturday morning at my house with my whole family. Then a parade in teh afternoon with my grandma that has become tradition. Then possibly a grad from college party at night (if we can make it). Sunday we aren't doing anything, but that will be nice since yesterday was the only night I got to spend at home with S.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mothers!

[ClingingToHope]

Ironic. You and I are on a similar timeline. My D may be done by May 31.

I am trying to figure out what I'll do on that day. I may take a day off work and take the train into Chicago and just hang out downtown.

[awest1217]

It was a pretty good weekend. Saturday was a long day. I had a breakfast for my mom at my house with the whole family. Then went to a parade with my grandma, S and nephew. Then to a graduation party and fun. S loved it all. It was a great day.

Sunday we didn't do anything. I think the hard part about being practically D'd is that on holidays like this I don't get anything or get celebrated. It isn't a huge deal, but at the same time kind of disappointing. All of my friends and family talked about what their kids or husbands did for them from their kids and I didn't do anything. At the same time, I spent the day hanging with S and just realizing more and more everyday how awesome he is. He is one amazing kid, and on the same point he did cuddle with me in the afternoon so I could take a nap because after a full week and still fighting a cold and a full Saturday and staying up late with S (he has been having a coughing fit the last two nights around midnight and lasts about 30 minutes to an hour so I am up with him) it was nice to take a nap.

Overall, that is it. I am hoping H has signed the paperwork so this week I can sign and we can find out if the trial will be waived or not. I just want this to be over with so I can move on. I am sad and had a few tears this weekend about H and I, but mostly that person is gone, and I just want to deal with it and move on.

[awest1217]

A little upset last night. H texts me to ask about S (his once a week text) and I asked when he was signing the papers. He is signing them Thursday so next week I should be able to sign and hopefully the judge will waive the trial and we will be done by the end of May. So then H asks me when I will be home so the movers can come to get his stuff. MOVERS?!?!?! He has about half a room of stuff left, but movers? He said he needs them for the piano, which is true, and sad because I hate that S won't have a piano to learn on anymore, but oh well. He said the movers said it would cost the same amount to get just the piano or everything.

This is what made me upset because I feel like H is once again getting off easy. It is bad enough the child support payments only give me $12 more than what I pay in day care and that he already is living with OW and that his parents and other family already accept OW as part of the family and S heroizes H, but on top of it, he doesn't have to actually do anything to move the rest of his stuff, and I am inconvinenced by having to wait for the movers so I can let them in and have strangers walk around my house to get stuff. UGH! I am not really as mad as it is sounding, more trying to sound more mad to get all the frustration out. H is the one who moved out and left me, but I am always the one stuck, and I don't know how to not be in this sitch because I am not letting strangers in the house without me. On top of that, there is stuff that isn't boxed yet because I don't have enough boxes and H said he would box it this Friday. Everything is put together, but there is still a bunch to box so I am supposed to wait again while H boxes stuff? It just annoys me because I only get 36 hours every other week alone to do stuff for me, which usually ends up being stuff for the house like grocery shopping (so much easier without S), trimming the bushes (once again easier because I don't have to worry about S getting hurt because he is trying to help), cleaning the house (a regular weekend thing), etc and now I have to give up more time to wait on H and his movers? I would rather he did it on a weekend where I have S and while his nap time because then I am stuck at home anyway and this way he can come to direct the movers, but he said it depends on when the movers are available.

I think I might take all teh stuff and put it on teh front porch when the day comes so the movers only have to come in the house to get the piano. After that, they can just the rest of H's junk off the front porch and I don't have to worry about them being in the house and if I want, I could leave and do whatever because they would only be on the porch with the rest of the house locked up.

Once again not too mad, but it still floors me on how H can still shrug off doing things. Yes, I understand he has to pay the movers, but ultimately he is doing nothing. He is living in a two person income household with OW, living the high life and he can afford it so once again not a huge hurt to him or even anything to make him think about what he is doing. He is just being as always trying to leave without having to feel. Like leaving every night after S was in bed to go with OW so he didn't have to see him upset or leaving when we were gone and just texting me that he wasn't coming back. Once again he doesn't have to admit to what he has done.

OK I think I have vented enough. Now to focus on teh good things. 3 weeks and 2 days left of school. Then a week off and 5 days of a class to renew my license and it is summer break. Fun things lined up like going to the beach and finishing reorganizing my house without H's stuff in it. Maybe a few dates (nothing serious, but after over 2 years of being separated and over a year of us not even trying I think it is time). All is good

[awest1217]

H signs the papers today. I really wonder what is going through his head. Is he relieved? Is he sad? Is he indifferent?

Tomorrow H is going to box up more of the stuff I haven't yet and take some stuff with him. The stuff he can't have the movers move because it is loose.

Next week I should be able to sign the papers and maybe from there it will just be the judge signing off and it will be over. Right now I am glad, but very mixed feelings. H is not the man I married 5 years ago, or the guy I started dating 12 years ago, but I still love him a lot and it is hard.

[ClingingToHope]

How is today going?

Do you really love him or do you love the guy you thought he was 12 years ago.

I think about that a lot. If I was meeting STBXW for the first time, would I fall for her? I don't think so -- although it's a hypothetical so I'll never know for sure.

I do know getting wasn't a mistake. I still love the person I thought she was 16 years ago.