Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

The frustration continues...

H once again sat down with me and asked whether he should move back or not. I tried to not give him an answer but told him that I felt he seemed more challenged to "grow" when he was at the house, but that needed to be weighed against the fact that he has very real anxiety attacks. We also discussed what the setup would be if he DIDN'T move in. Where would he sleep, when would we see him etc. In the end, HE decided he would move back. I asked if he was comfortable with that decision and he said no. I asked if he'd be comfortable with any decision and he said no. So there you are. Given that his lease ends next week, that meant looking at getting him moved out this weekend.

Yesterday, H had to leave for a business trip for a few days and will be gone until Thursday. We had a nice video chat in the evening and then later on, via IM. But the chat during IM got a bit weird. Clearly he seemed bothered by the conversation and seemed to be second guessing everything he was saying. He said he was tired and needed to go to bed at that point and I said good night. I really don't know what happened to kind of flip his switch but it was apparent I had made him very uncomfortable.

This morning I checked his blog. He had made a short entry. In it, it is apparent that yet again, he is rethinking every damn decision he's made. Here's an excerpt.

My second fear is that if moving back is largely fueled by obligation and responsibility for D, then what happens when D leaves? What kind of life is that for Alb at any point? Is there real love and affection there anymore? I don’t know. Sexual attraction - sure. A good conversation over meals - heck yeah! But love? I really don’t know. Neither of us have really “said” it in years. Is it just awkward, or have the feelings shifted to something else? It seems to me, that if I can’t answer those questions, but dive back into a relationship anyway, then I’m being an accommodating slob. Life is too short for that. D will be gone in no time, and then what? If everything is not repaired, then we stand to have a long, loveless relationship like her parents. No thank you. There is no honor or virtue in that.

So that's very frustrating to read. It's kind of like I'm in the same, ILYBNILWY scenario that started this whole thing. It's true I haven't said ILY either, but that's because I get the sense that saying it would not be a good thing. He would feel obligated to say it back and since he's not feeling it, it would either be awkward for him to do so or he would say nothing which would be awkward as well. So I haven't. He's asked me if I love him, and I've said yes. But he's always been one that needs to hear it. Plus, I think his definition of love needs definition. I think he feels it needs to be the ooey gooey love that makes us gaga when we meet someone new. I was tempted to make those few comments on his blog but will wait and see if he writes more. He was not in a good place when he wrote that. Perhaps he'll think through some things overnight.

But this does bring up a lot of questions in my mind. I've never told him he couldn't move back. But I'm starting to think perhaps I should. If this is his state, then he's still a potential future runaway. I don't want that. As much as I want him home, I don't want to go through this again. I've seen several on this board go through it and it's not pretty. I may end up calling a DB coach on this.

[punkin]

So sorry you are going through this Alb. It has got to be gut wrenching. I do believe you are on the right track though about not putting yourself through this while he is still riding the fence on your relationship.

((HUGS))

[Albuquerque]

Brief update,

So my decision to wait before responding was a good one. This morning H called me and we had a nice chat. Didn't mention anything about last night. Then later this morning, I noticed he had made another entry in his blog. Here's a snippet.

Wow, middle of the night thoughts are kind of douchey. Sorry about that. I’ll leave my notes as is, because that’s really what I was thinking at the time. In the more functional light of day, my thoughts are somewhat more sane.

I want this to work. I really do. I want the love and affection and crazy sex. I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. These are things that I want. Selfishly.

So which time was H being honest? Sadly I think the answer is both. This is the MLC confusion. They really DON'T know. They really ARE sure about their decision one minute, then really NOT sure the next. One thing I see as a positive is that I see the H who wrote the second post, more often than I see the first. And the few times where he's felt me moving away (even when I didn't mean to give that impression) he's totally flipped out and been the second H big time. So I think it's worth giving him the benefit of the doubt right now. I DO see him trying to work on himself. The blog alone is a big step towards helping himself understand HIMSELF. And I appreciate the fact that he's been willing to allow me to view his thoughts as they come. I knew I was in for a rollercoaster ride. That's why I named this thread what I did. Just wasn't expecting the hills and valleys to come to quickly so often. *sigh* One day at a time!

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Last week was filled with more of H rethinking and rethinking his decision to move back. We had a couple of comments to each other on his blog. He feels like moving back is a "loss of freedom" and "giving up control". I asked him what freedom he's losing and who's got the control then? He didn't have a good answer. He's to the point where I think he feels like he knows that a lot of his feelings are irrational and he's choosing to ignore them and move forward. And while that's good in a way, that doesn't mean the feelings go away. So only time will tell.

This weekend, I helped H moved his furniture into our house. He really didn't take anything with him when he left so everything was something new that he bought. Needless to say, our house is kind of a mess right now while we figure out where to put stuff. Helping him was weird. I didn't feel right going through his drawers and cupboards to help him out even though we're married and he's moving back in with me. Still felt odd. At one point, H said that he was full of anxiousness about the whole thing and was already regretting his decision. He said he knew it was irrational and that he would need my help. I asked what he needed from me but he said he didn't know. So I just tried to stay supportive and relatively upbeat.

Yesterday, he finished cleaning out the small stuff and cleaned carpets and counters. It's officially done. He has no place to run now. However, we did discuss the fact that if he REALLY feels like he needs a place to run, he can stay in a hotel. We may try and set up a "man cave" type of room but that may not be enough solitude when he's feeling really anxious.

This has been a tough week. It's funny your perspective on things. I remember when he moved out last March, I was sure there was a way we'd work it out and he'd move back. I was sure it would be by summer, even though it seemed like a long time. Summer came and I began to truly understand and appreciate the situation I was in. I realized he may never come back. Then in October, he decides he wants to move back. I'm excited. Then he says he has his apartment until March and will keep it until then. I remember how long that sounded. Having to wait so long. Then March came and he still had concerns and extended his lease a bit longer. Now here we are in May. He's been gone for over a year. And I can't help but wonder if he's come back too soon? I considered saying no, but in the end, I decided against it. This is HIS decision to make. I know I will be OK although it will be difficult. But he knows that this decision was entirely his and his alone. Therefore, any consequences of it are squarely on his shoulders. Any attempts on my part to tell him what he should and shouldn't do could be seen as controlling on my part so I opted not to. Time will tell what happens. For now, I'll focus on his birthday tomorrow. He doesn't seem enthused about it but I'll make a cake and either take him to dinner or make him a dinner. I was stumped about what to get him. Something mushy isn't appropriate. Lingerie is a bit extreme. He's a techy and has all the toys imaginable. So I found a 5 year journal where you answer just a simple question every day. Then next year, you answer the same question on the same page and can look back and see how you may have changed. I figure given the tenuous nature of his psyche, it may help him get some perspective. I hope he likes it.

[Lorie1964]

Alb,

What is the name of this Journal?? I would love to get one for me!!

[Albuquerque]

Hi Lorie,

It's called Q and A a Day: 5-Year Journal, and you can find it on Amazon!

[Lorie1964]

Alb,

This is awesome!! I think I might get several for graduation gifts too!!!

Thank you!

[angel61]

That is an awesome journal, my friend. Given the way your H thnks so much about things, I think it is the perfect gift!

Alb, both you and I are entering into a new phase in our lives. We are now looking into once again having our H's back in our lives. Although mine never left, he was gone emotionally and in spirit for a while, and now he has made that conscious decision to stay. Both our H's still have that yearning for "freedom" , have the feeling that they are not in control (and by default we are?).But things have to move on and change, and although we question if its too early, sooner or later we are going to find out.

Already I see you asking what you have to do, how are you going to act. I also have those questions, furthermore, I am already grappling with those feelings of why I am not feeling more excited and happy that my H has made his intentions known. I feel like I have been suppressing my feelings for so long and that maybe I don't know anymore how to love. I am afraid that he has buried his for so long or has romanticizied his feelings for OW too much that he may not recognize love for me.

This weekend we were together by ourselves for 24 hours and I found myself getting tired, wanting to have some alone time! Months ago I kept on imagining different scenarios of how it would be like once we started getting close again, how it would be like not to deal with the level of pain I was experiencing, but it did not turn out to be as I thought. Just like you, I am finding that time changes our perspective so much, and nothing can really prepare you for what you will be feeling at the present time and given a certain situation!

At least I do have more of a feeling of security now, the insecurity of not knowing whether he was going to step out of the door or not anytime has passed, although I am well aware that he still can change his mind anytime.

My take on this is: Just be thankful for having him back, and think of what opportunities for improving the connection you have this situation will bring! I think there are a lot of things going in your favor, most of all the fact that your H is consciously wanting to improve the sitch and also knows that he loves you!

If he can realize that freedom and control are possible even if he is with you, and if you can give him as much of those as possible, then perhaps your coexistence will be smoother.

I am trying to do the same thing, and I struggle with it, although lately, I have realized that for me to be able to go forward I have to take each day as it comes, not think about the past and let resentment and hurt take hold of me again. I can see that what is perceived as control by my H is not that I am controlling him per se, but that I have expectations for the sitch and of his behaviour and he can't help but try to live up to those expectations! he once said that he felt controlled by just the fact that I am around - but I guess that is something we can't really do anything about as long as he chooses to stay within the M, but again, there may be ways of lessening that impact.

ooops, sorry for the hijack.... but we seem to be going through a lot of the same things that I just can't help it....

[Albuquerque]

I think there are a lot of things going in your favor, most of all the fact that your H is consciously wanting to improve the sitch and also knows that he loves you!

Thanks for stopping by Angel. But I think a big part of H's problem is that he DOESN'T know if he loves me. He's flat out said it. *I* think he is mistaking the "infatuation" love that we feel in a new situation with real mature love. I know that in some way, perhaps not romatically, he DOES love me. I can see it in his actions. I saw it in his actions even when he was with x-OW. He's stated that D was his tether to not leaving altogether. But he texted me and IM'd me a hell of a lot more than he did D. But he is so caught up in confusion and despair that I don't think he has room to feel romantic love for me right now (and at least recognize it as such).

The moving in situation has not gone well. He's had anxiety attacks nearly every night. He's initiated sex several times and just as it was about to get good, he said he felt weird and just wanted to snuggle instead. Fortunately I don't take it personally. But I feel bad that he's still struggling so much. Yesterday was his birthday. We kept it low key since he seemed to not want to make a big deal. But at the end of the night it was clear he was majorly anxious. I said goodnight at about 11 and he said he'd be in shortly. I awoke to an empty bed. When I got up, I realized he wasn't home. So I assume he went to a hotel overnight. It's something we've discussed as an alternative, so I wasn't mad or anything, it's just worthy of note.

He came back home in the afternoon and apologized that he was so crazy. He's rethinking his decision to move back yet again. Currently, our house is jam packed full of his furniture. I haven't yet found a space for all of it yet. So this evening, I asked him if I should try to find a space or whether he plans to just find his own place. He had an immediate anxiety attack. I didn't mean to be confrontational, but the house is approaching looking like a hoarder house right now and the stuff needs to get either put away or taken away. He knows this. He asked if we could talk about it this evening after D went to bed.

So that's where we're at. Certainly not the dream homecoming I imagined a year ago. One day at a time.

[RedNailPolish]

Hi Al, just wondering how you are doing? I would love to hear an update regarding your situation.

My sitch has not gotten any better. It feels worse actually. H and I are not communicating much. I dont initiate and neither does he. Im not sure what to do. Any suggestions?