Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

The frustration continues...

H once again sat down with me and asked whether he should move back or not. I tried to not give him an answer but told him that I felt he seemed more challenged to "grow" when he was at the house, but that needed to be weighed against the fact that he has very real anxiety attacks. We also discussed what the setup would be if he DIDN'T move in. Where would he sleep, when would we see him etc. In the end, HE decided he would move back. I asked if he was comfortable with that decision and he said no. I asked if he'd be comfortable with any decision and he said no. So there you are. Given that his lease ends next week, that meant looking at getting him moved out this weekend.

Yesterday, H had to leave for a business trip for a few days and will be gone until Thursday. We had a nice video chat in the evening and then later on, via IM. But the chat during IM got a bit weird. Clearly he seemed bothered by the conversation and seemed to be second guessing everything he was saying. He said he was tired and needed to go to bed at that point and I said good night. I really don't know what happened to kind of flip his switch but it was apparent I had made him very uncomfortable.

This morning I checked his blog. He had made a short entry. In it, it is apparent that yet again, he is rethinking every damn decision he's made. Here's an excerpt.

My second fear is that if moving back is largely fueled by obligation and responsibility for D, then what happens when D leaves? What kind of life is that for Alb at any point? Is there real love and affection there anymore? I don’t know. Sexual attraction - sure. A good conversation over meals - heck yeah! But love? I really don’t know. Neither of us have really “said” it in years. Is it just awkward, or have the feelings shifted to something else? It seems to me, that if I can’t answer those questions, but dive back into a relationship anyway, then I’m being an accommodating slob. Life is too short for that. D will be gone in no time, and then what? If everything is not repaired, then we stand to have a long, loveless relationship like her parents. No thank you. There is no honor or virtue in that.

So that's very frustrating to read. It's kind of like I'm in the same, ILYBNILWY scenario that started this whole thing. It's true I haven't said ILY either, but that's because I get the sense that saying it would not be a good thing. He would feel obligated to say it back and since he's not feeling it, it would either be awkward for him to do so or he would say nothing which would be awkward as well. So I haven't. He's asked me if I love him, and I've said yes. But he's always been one that needs to hear it. Plus, I think his definition of love needs definition. I think he feels it needs to be the ooey gooey love that makes us gaga when we meet someone new. I was tempted to make those few comments on his blog but will wait and see if he writes more. He was not in a good place when he wrote that. Perhaps he'll think through some things overnight.

But this does bring up a lot of questions in my mind. I've never told him he couldn't move back. But I'm starting to think perhaps I should. If this is his state, then he's still a potential future runaway. I don't want that. As much as I want him home, I don't want to go through this again. I've seen several on this board go through it and it's not pretty. I may end up calling a DB coach on this.