When you go out tonight, make sure you're looking your "hottest". When you dangle a little carrot in front of him and combine that with a little "no contact", then he will want you more. That's ultimately what you want. You want him to desire you and no one else.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I really appreciate your advice. It means alot to me that you are here giving me insightful advice. I hope you continue to watch my post. I feel that I know what I have to do in my mind. I need to detach. Let go of the rope.
My heart on the other hand wont let me. It is still in love with the old H. But truth of the matter is old H is gone. The only thing left is my idea of him. He isnt the husband that I knew and loved. He isnt the father that S knew and loved.
My head needs to win this battle for the sake of my sanity. I can and will do this. I dont want to be afraid to let him go anymore. I know I will always love him - that will never change. But I wont tolerate anyone treating me like this. I do deserve better. I am beautiful, kind, smart and loving. I deserve to love and be loved.
What a day! Very emotional one for me. Though no one would no it! I look sane but Im an emotional wreck. I dont want to be any longer.
Tonight I am going to work on goals. Im going to really start working on me. For me!
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Lorie dont apologise. Im confused not you. I appreciate your advice but at the end of the day the actions I make are my choices - nobody elses. The thoughts I have are mine to make nobody elses.
I appreciate your advice. Please keep posting to me. Your support is so very much appreciated.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I was so confused today. I felt I had conflicting advises from forums to books, etc etc
but thankfully GOD showed me the truth.
Here's how:
Tonight S and I were meant to go out with H. Normally we go out to play aqua golf. Tonight H asked us to go to dinner instead. So I said yes. As soon as I got in his car OW called - her name showed up on his car radio. H hung up. Then she called again. H hung up again. I was pretty annoyed. Then as soon as we got to the restaurant he started texting her. He was trying to hide it but not well. I said to H can u do me a favour and not text or phone in front of me. H understand what I meant by this and said yes.
But it was from that moment on that I realized what was going on. GOD showed me what was before me. A man that was disrespecting me and S. What was I doing? I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I put this man through two universities. I paid for his accomodation, bought him a car, worked two jobs so that we could go on holiday. Loved him unconditionally even when I felt he didn't love me. And this is how he treats me! He!! no!
No way would GOD want this for me. No way would I sit there any longer and say nothing.
I didn't get mad, if that's what you're thinking. I instead dropped the rope. I set my boundaries.
I told H not to text or phone in front of me. I told H that he needed to stick to a schedule of when he wanted to see S. I wanted to know what day/s he was coming. And if he couldn't make it then we wouldn't postpone it to another day, he would have to wait till the next week. H had previously wanted to see S twice during the week and have him sleep over once during the weekend. But it has always been on his terms. He got to choose the days and times. He was always late or cancelled. No more I said! I said I didn't care how often he wanted to see S. But be consistent and commited. I am not going to raise S hopes up only for them to be let down.
H had excuses like - o but I am playing squash or I need to go to the gym. These were his excuses not to see S. WTF! Where are ur priorities? Obviously not with ur child. And thats why I said the things I said. Don't care what u commit to but whatever it is, stick to it cos the consequences are that u miss spending time with S.
The whole night I was very business like. I wasn't cold. I was friendly. I even asked about his job hunting and was genuinely interested. But I set boundaries tonight. H knew by my tone and demeanor than something had changed. I felt in control the whole time. I chose the topics. I listened to what he said and was genuinely interested. But I wanted him to know that I had a few things to say and I wasn't going to be pushed around.
I said we needed to go cos S was playing up. Ended up having a tantrum. So I got up and started walking out with S. S kept saying I don't want my dad. The whole ride home (only 5 mind mind u) I don't want my dad. I didn't try to shut him up. I'd said what I needed to say.
I got out of the car and asked S to give his dad a kiss. S said no. I said OK. Then said bye to H. I saw that he was upset. He looked like he was going to cry. I wasn't going to console him this time. Old me would have. Old me would have forced S to give dad a kiss but not now. I won't interfere with their relationship. If S is angry at his dad then so be it. That is part of the consequences of Hs actions.
I got S ready for bed. Didn't take long for him to fall asleep. Then I received a text from H. It read: sorry about tonight! It was a complete disaster.
I didn't reply. Not going to. I've let go. No more games. Concentrate on me and S from now on. Oh and also all those that love me - family and friends. They matter and they deserve my time and energy. Not someone who cheats on me and isn't even sorry he did it or continues to do.
I prayed tonite to GOD and thanked him for showing me the light. I'm not married to the man I love any longer. That man doesn't exist anymore. Elvis has left the building! I don't love the man I saw tonight. I don't know him. I don't want to - he's a real jerk! This is who OW is getting - the jerk. Good luck to both of them.
If H does ever find that man I married - I'd like to speak to him. I'd like to ask him where he's been and why he left? I'm not shutting the door on that man but I am to the jerk I saw tonight!
Feel a great sense of relief. Like a weight has been lifted.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I am glad you found some clear insight. I always take these matters to God. He is the best authority. It sounds like you handled everything very well.
Just remember that your feelings will vacillate between many different emotions. Come here and vent and discuss them, but always pray that God will carry you through them.
God Bless!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Im feeling like chit today. Yes Lorie I can see that my feelings are vacillating - this [censored]!
I was so mad at H last night.I was mad that I felt so disrespected. I cried to GOD and asked why? What did I do? Why did he do this? Why is he still doing this?
I know that I have to be strong. I have to learn patience. I have to learn that time is my friend. I have to learn to work on me. Focus on me and not on H.
My heart is breaking today
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
The way you are feeling is the way we have all felt at the place you are now, i.e.: the beginning. Crying out to God for mercy and asking Why Me? I believe that is the first step towards healing and redemption. Laying it on God to handle, because you can only control what YOU do, not what anyone else does.
With time, the feelings will lessen in intensity, and then flare up again, but more infrequently. Also, everyone has their own voyage to take, and there are many different twists and turns.
What I have learned from this Board over the past year is this: Have no Expectations. Live as if he is Never Coming Back. Distance yourself as much as you can from the craziness, for your own sanity. Take care of yourself, because you have to be well to take care of your son. These are all hard lessons to learn, and learning patience unfortunately takes patience.
But your feelings are normal, and okay. Come hear to rant or cry or whatever. You'll feel better for doing so. ((HUGS))
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
You are a strong woman and learning how to be stronger everyday. Turning to God is so important. Leave your marriage and your husband in God's hands. You can only control you and you can't change the past, you can only change the future. What kind of goals have you set for yourself? You do have to learn patience and live like your H is not coming back. You can stand for your marriage and pray for your marriage and your H, but you can set goals for you and what you need to do to be the best you!
Blessings!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
I will try my very best to think like H is not coming back.
Today has been very hard though. But it will get easier as time goes on. I expect that H wont be contacting me for a while seeing as our last encounter wasnt what he expected. But its actually better for me if he doesnt - gives me a break from his craziness!
I have been working on my goals - Ill post them up in a little bit.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
M: hey H: I owe u an apology for the other night M: why? H: I was disrepectful M: thank you H: I suppose I owe my son an apology too. I'll do that when I see him M: ok. Then he started talking about what day/s he should see S3. M: ur mum asked me for coffee today. She wanted us to discuss visitation with S3 this weekend when I pick him up. R u happy to do that? H: yes M: great. Also do u still want to pick up S3 tomorrow from daycare? H: yes M: ok. But I'm also going to be there because he's having seperation anxiety. S3 has been saying "u promise u won't leave me". I made him I promise I wouldn't so I'm going to keep that promise. I will drop him off and pick him up. H: seperation anxiety with u? M: both of us H: maybe u should just pick him up. M: happy for u to be there. H: ok. I'll meet u there at 4:30 cos I've got an interview at 12pm M: ok. Thanks again for the apology. I appreciate. I'll see u tomorrow.
It felt nice that he apologised. Did he mean it? Don't know. Does it matter? No But for today at least he apologised.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
