wife having affair - please help

[25yearsmlc]

FD.

Some of your goals are wonderful, They are "big picture", over all goals. But aside from the talks without tension or R talk, you are making it about HER changing, HER doing this or that...

What are you working on, in you? What 180s, what inner issues, are you working on to become a better man, better h, and a better father? YOU are the only part of this situation that YOU control...why not put your energy there?

As a mother. I can say that no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children, with their father. It's a turn on. Be the best father you can be now, b/c your children need you more now than ever, and b/c it's right, and b/c your w will notice it someday, regardless of whether she tells you so...but mainly b/c it's right. I CANNOT OVER EMPHASIZE THIS. Your children are watching you and needing you more than you realize.

As for the "outing" of OM... two thoughts come to my mind. First, I very much doubt your goal of shaming him and making him think twice, will be achieved. More likely OM will be angry at you, and not ashamed of himself. He feels justified! As for others, and peer pressure, sorry but you'd be surprised how little it matters to most people that someone at work has had an affair.

They first look at the job performance, and if his numbers are good, many boards look the other way. AND OR they assume the couple in question has tried in their first m's and that there were problems or the Affair wouldn't have happened...of course it's a rationalization, but that's what people do. (You are doing it too, when you defend your choices about outing and "teaching her a lesson" about how hard money and financial issues will be when you are gone. Sounds as if she earned a good salary too, maybe she felt deprived and controlled, but you haven't really said)

I'm sorry but to most of the "aware" co=workers, you'll come off looking like a guy with anger/control issues and they'll think you deserved her leaving. They may look at OM differently, more likely if either party suffers it will be your w, b/c traditionally women get blamed more for these affairs. For the most part, people don't rush to join the side of the LBSer, at least not publicly or at work.

People may even resent you burdening them with your marital problem at their work place, like putting that poor receptionist in the horrible position of hearing that info from you, about the man she works for and must serve. (You want her to lose her job, or just hate it? My guess is it did not cross your mind what effect it would have on the woman answering...Your anger was your priority. Am I wrong??? Use this as a learning trigger...)

I came to the conclusion that if my h had beaten me with a crowbar, my mil would have told him, (her golden boy son) not to do it in front of the kids, or "maybe you should work on that."

It's not that my h ever did that, but that his mother was incapable of criticizing him for anything. Never would she make waves like that and a lot of people are like her. We had friends say to my face "we don't want to take sides" and I would wonder, "what IS HIS side? Leaving his family for a JOB, up north? WTH??"

(My h had an obsession with living in Alaska, again, at any costs to us, our jobs, our finances and our happiness. It was weird. Irrational. Inexplicable and yet, there were folks who said NOTHING to him about it. They would not dream of saying a word to him.

Then there were SOME who did try to argue with him to show him the light but he simply could not be reached. He had to go up there and figure it out for himself. Like a puzzle someone has to do themself before they go on to the next stage, you want to hover over their shoulder to tell them where the piece goes, but you cannot do that. Only they can figure it out and when you hover, it's as if they have to start all over again.

If your no contact decision, (or any other behavioral choice you make) turns out to be a mistake, don't compound it by continuing it. IOW, if you decide that no contact isn't a good idea, don't stick with it just to....to....what? Be "right"? Do what works and stop doing what does not work.

Make a list of goals about your own personal work and couple it with your other list and I think you'll have a good start on your new "program".

I'm a better w and mother, b/c of the experience my h and I had. He saw a forgiving nature in me that neither of us knew I had. It had never been tested before. But I like to think I've left my children a legacy of committment and forgiveness and renewal, so that when their marriages falter and stumble, as they probably will at some point, they'll know that couples CAN get past this...

the more time you spend thinking about OM or what he's doing to your w and how great they have it and how hard you have it....the slower you will heal and the longer it will take for you to make the changes you need to make.

Remember, your w had reasons for being with OM.Right or wrong, She felt justified. So if m to you tomorrow is going to be the same as it was before, you won't reconcile. Why would she?

You have to show her you are a changed man. (HER WORK on her, comes later, if you reconcile.) As for boundaries, are you in a position to be setting boundaries or rules for her at this point...? Really?

True, when you do interact you don't have to accept rudeness, but the affair itself, to her, was not rude or disrespectul. It was about what she was missing in the m. While you may think she was "crazy" to do this, I can assure you that she does not think so and it would NOT help you to say that...Do you have any idea what things were bothering her before the A? How much were you two apart? What did you do for Mother's Day?

Please stop worrying and obsessing about OM, whether he is on your furniture or being with your w, or staring at the ocean view you bought, etc. You don't know what is in his mind/life/heart or family. It is counter productive and again, keeps you focussing on things you have no control over. Get the stop sign out...put it in your mind when you think of OM....Don't speculate so much b/c it takes the focus off of your own work.
Plus the OM has faults that your w has not yet discovered AND which you do not have. You won't lose in each and every comparison unless you play the angry jerk, which you won't do of course, now that you have DB on board...right? As for money issues, sounds as if OM has money of his own so I'm not sure what your specific concern is there.


When you question and challenge her choices, you force her to defend them. You unite them. I'm not sure the no contact thing was a good idea (ask a DB coach-well worth the money) b/c you have been at this for so little time. You have not given DBing or any approach long enough.

If your m was ever good, then some good memories exist and will resurface in her. Don't get in the way of that. Try to keep the road home paved and smooth. And please consider getting a DB coach.

We can't tell which approach you would most likely get help from b/c we don't know what your w would say if she were posting here about her choices...
That info will help us help you. So If you can, tell us what your w would SAY your flaws are. THe things she was not happy about, or missed in your m. It'll be a lot easier to know what approach might help your situation.
Good luck